The view is beautiful. The sunset colors warm up your shivering body. The wind is wild, the sun blinding. My tears are frozen from the cold, so are my thoughts for the moment. I just want to dive right in those colors, feel the wind stronger in my forehead and the tears flying away. I tried it before; it didn’t feel good, but this time it’s beautiful.

My mind starts spinning again like a record. Every picture saved in my memory followed by the sound of the wind, moving them around. I see my dad’s face, the wind stronger, wild full of anger. So is my heartbeat, faster, beat after beat. My face changes expression. My eyebrows curve making my head hurt, my jaw clenches and the pupils of my eyes widen. I’m shivering more. I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or the fear of my father’s face and the memories that face is present. I hear screaming; a woman’s voice. I see a child at a dark corner of the room. He’s keeping his ear and his mouth shut with his hands, while his knees are pressing the old teddy bear to his chest. The bear’s head is wet with tears, so are the boy’s cheeks. A heavy smell of metal and alcohol fills the boy’s lungs. He gets out of his hiding place and goes to the kitchen. A man standing in front of him. His mouth open, letting the fear get inside his body. His nose filled with odour. His eyes see red.

For a moment everything goes silent.

I see a boy. Probably my age. He’s very handsome and I’m there with him. He is holding my hand and we’re walking together to my favourite place. We reach the flower park quickly. As soon as I see the rainbow laid in front of me, my heart fills with happiness. We admire the colors and listen to the sweet songs of tiny birds. Some people from school join us. He lets go of my hand. Mine is left open in the air where he left it hanging. It’s empty, seeking for something, just like my being. As he is meeting his friends, I see his body fading. He is disappearing.

The wind is silent now. But the beautiful colors aren’t there anymore. The sun is hiding under the fluffy clouds. Now the pool I wanted to dive in is grey, foggy, plain, dead. You can see the deep dark end like a black hole, calling you to be its guest.

I shake my head. I might get sick. The wind dried my wet hair from the rain and now it is cold like ice. My leather jacket is still wet, my shoes too. I move my feet in place and I can hear a squelch. I close my eyes, focusing in warming up my body.

A near memory. I ran from home, took my bike and headed to the beach. The last sound I heard from home was the weather girl saying there was a thunderstorm coming. The rain had started when I got out of the house. My legs were burning from pedaling fast and the cold wind that hit my body like needles. The waves at the beach were tall, like a mouth wanting to swallow anybody that dared to go in. The splash of the waves hitting the rocks like a water explosion. I could see the sun at the very top of the Devil’s Cliff. I started climbing, the rain drops trying to stop me from going forward. My stomach aches; I’m a very thin boy with no physical strength. My arms feel like they are going to detach from my shoulders, my neck is numb from looking up. With every pull of my body forward, the sun gets brighter, hurting my eyes. The rain eventually stopped. I reached the top. I can’t describe how beautiful it was. Up there was quiet, I was alone. Why hadn’t I discovered this before? I felt calm, relaxed, complete, not lost anymore.

The record in my head starts playing a new memory. It’s her. She is wearing her wavy blond hair down, the wind moving parts of it in front of her face. She is standing barefoot. The white dress she has on is stained with blood. The stain is spread from her chest, down to her stomach. She takes a step forward. So do I. Then I start running towards her. She is one step from falling back. Her scent fills my whole body. I missed it a lot, for 15 years. From this I realise it’s not a memory I’m having, it’s actually her, standing, looking at her son. She opens her arms and I go straight to her, like children when their parents come from work. Her body is cold and bony. Her long, silky long hair smelled fresh, just like the sea. We’re both standing at the edge of the cliff, under the hiding sun.

Suddenly her body got cold, very light. I felt like I was holding a skeleton. Her image was blurry in my eyes. No! She can’t go, she can’t leave me. I need her. I’m tired and I want her comfort, I want to stay with her.

And she disappears. My adrenaline goes up. I wipe my tears. My brain is silent. And then… I take a step forward.