anx·i·e·ty

/aNGˈzīədē/

noun

Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired may occur.

Have you ever experienced an event in your life and asked yourself afterwards...where did that come from? Well...me too.

Sitting on my bed, studying, an ordinary school night. A sudden heaviness in my chest, a burning, tight sensation where my heart should be. A rubber band ball in my chest, wound tighter and tighter with each rubber band added. Starting with my hands, I begin to shudder, it becoming more and more intensified every minute. I freeze, unsure what is occurring in my body, not in control, afraid. All at once, it hits, tears streaming down my face, as if my tear ducts were faucets. Unable to grasp much air, breathing with shorter and shorter breaths. Beginning to question, Will I be okay? Am I going to die? Why is my body doing this?

A panic attack is ‘a state of terror without good reason’, and this was my first one.

Afterwards, I get this extreme feeling of exhaustion and I felt as if I was frozen in time, stuck, thinking; Why now? What suddenly changed? Will it happen again? If so, when?

I’ve always been pretty shy, especially when I was a kid. I didn’t talk much, I was never the one to initiate conversations. Just the way I was born I suppose, I did have friends of course, I just was/am not good with new people, especially when there are a lot of them. But, I have grown, and become better over time.

The stress and anxiety didn’t really become excessive until my freshman year, in highschool, of course. Imagine this, walking in on the first day, a new school, colossal compared to the last one, hallways, congested and swarming with high schoolers, lots and lots of new faces, some stare, you, afraid of being judged by each and every one of them, a greatly differing ambience, overwhelming, right? Well for me, it only got worse, the stress and social pressure intensified greatly, growing apart from friends and getting my first boyfriend...but that’s another story.

Once I told my mom what was going on, which wasn’t easy, let me tell you, she decided to take me to see a psychologist. I was very uncomfortable, I had to share my deepest feelings and thoughts which were all very new to me, with a stranger. Not only a stranger, but one with a ‘cold’ personality, I like to describe her as robotic, or very mechanical. What bothered me the most though was how she would just sit there in silence, made me think, Don’t my parents pay you to talk with me? Shouldn’t you be making suggestions or asking more questions? She insisted that therapy sessions should be led by the patient, which may work for some, but for me caused discomfort and distress.

At the first or second appointment with her, I took this ‘test’ where I had to rank my discomfort in certain situations. I presume that this would place me in a category for what type of anxiety I have, as well as the severity of it. Now, one may believe that this would be a frightening thing to hear the results of, but I think I already had an idea.

Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

This was my official diagnosis, what caused most of my anxiety. I believe that some do not completely understand the ‘concept’ of social anxiety, or anxiety in general. I have heard some parents that say, ‘Well, everyone has some anxiety’ which is pretty false if you ask me, or any psychologist to be honest. Most anxiety is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain/body, the main chemical that is lacking, is serotonin. This is a chemical that is known as the ‘natural mood stabilizer’. So lacking this chemical can cause, mood fluctuations, anxious feeling, emotional unstableness, etc. Apart from the science aspect though, there is a very key word that shows up in most definitions of social anxiety, irrational. Most of my thoughts are just ‘over exaggerated’ or my mind making up ideas of what others think, when it’s just really all in my head. That is what therapy is for though, I gained tools and knowledge for my anxiety and ways to cope and better my way of thinking. It is all really a journey, and not an easy one. Takes hard work and persistence, and of course the right therapist. After a few months with this first therapist, I told my mom I wanted to see if there was one with a better fit for me. Low and behold, I found one, she has a bubbly personality, is very patient, and most importantly, asks questions and guides me through each session smoothly.

From these sessions with the new therapist, I gained many ‘tools’ to deal with my anxiety. These ‘tools’ include things like, writing in a journal, talking about to a friend or trusted adult, looking for evidence for my concerns/worries (to check if they’re irrational), etc. These are the things I always carry with me incase I get overwhelmed or anxious, and I am forever grateful for these tools I have received.