What a freshman year it’s been.

The hectic work. The awkward first hellos. The struggle to keep my grades up. This year’s been crazy. But, all that is nothing...to when I first met you.

I remember exactly what happened in those sacred five minutes. I was in the lunch line, ready to take the less than average “food” they were serving. You were behind me, standing there in a puffy hoodie staring at your phone. I recognized you since we had a few classes together. I thought you were pretty cute, but I never got a chance to talk to you before that moment. I remember my mind screaming at me, telling me “Just talk to her already!” and “Say something idiot!” So, I built up my courage, turned around, and said:

“Hey, aren’t you in my Creative Writing class?”

And just like that, we officially broke the ice. We would usually talk about school and life and stuff like that, and those little chats made me happy. At the time, I didn’t know why. Maybe I was happy to make a new friend? Maybe I was relieved that I was finally able to muster up some courage for myself? No matter what the reason was though, I was glad you became my friend.

Well, I guess it’s not surprising my heart decided to pick you.

I wasn’t really sure of my feelings at first. I just got over a big heartbreak in 8th grade, so my heart didn’t know if it wanted to open up again. But when I started thinking about you, and realized how often I did, I instantly knew.

But what next?

This is where things started to heat up. I knew I wanted to be with you, but I didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t my first love rodeo, but I still was lost. At first, I decided to not go to my friends for advice and use them as a crutch. But I was lost. I really was. So I had to give in. However, I did only want to go to one friend. One I could trust, but one I couldn’t turn to for the 100th time. That’s when I remembered there was this one friend, one who I went to middle school with but never really talked to until this year that I could trust. Let’s call her X. I decided to turn to X for help, and so, my journey began.

The months passed, you and I talked, X and I planned, until the end of January came. I wasn’t ready to make a move, so I was thinking of something I could do for you. That’s when I realized...Valentine’s Day was in a few weeks. I knew at that moment I wanted to get you something. So, I went to a store and bought you a cute Snoopy plushie with angel wings. You wouldn’t believe how nervous I was. I had all sorts of scenarios in my head on how it would go. “Will she like it?” “Will she be creeped out?” “What if she won’t accept it?” Well no matter what I thought in my head, February 14th finally came. X was cheering me on, and I walked into lunch that day ready to roll.

I had this whole idea of how I wanted to give it to you. I wanted to talk about how I was usually goofy but I had something serious to tell you, and I would’ve handed you the Snoopy. Well, I ended up butchering it, unsurprisingly. But you looked happy when I gave it, so I was happy too.

But here’s when things started to get complicated. A few weeks later, I was still wondering what my next move would be...when you then texted me. Remember what that text said?

“Hey, I just want to clarify that we’re just friends right?”

I was crushed. I really was. I didn’t want to cope with the fact that my chances with you crashed and burned before it could even jump. I talked to X, and she told me it’ll be okay. I wasn’t ready to, but I had to move on.

But then I decided to take a leap of faith.

I decided I wanted to tell you how I felt.

But how?

I then remembered my little notebook filled with my corny jokes that you liked. Remember that? I decided to write a letter for you that said everything I wanted it to. And one day, I gave it to you. It was funny because you didn’t know what to do with the book even though I left a very clear marker on what page to turn to. But when you did eventually see it, I was extremely nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. So, you handed the book back to me, and I remember what it said…

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

Yikes.

Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel at that moment. I was obviously sad that I was turned down, but at the same time I was kind of relieved that the stress was lifted. But, my heart was sad. My  heart didn’t want to let you go. So, I had a conflict. I talked with X, and she told me to stay away from you for a bit. But I just couldn’t. I just loved talking with you and having someone to put a smile on my face. There were hard times, sad times, and times where I felt nothing but frustration. X constantly told me to put my mental health first, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. You were my drug.

Weeks passed, and I knew things couldn’t stay like that forever. So I forced myself to move on. I don’t know how I did it, but I was able to move on. Well, now that I think about it, it was more like I only forgot about my feelings. But after you told that really sweet story in Creative Writing, everything came back. I remembered why I fell in love with you. And, X told me I shouldn’t use the word “love”, but it’s the only word I feel fits here. I wanted to be the hand that helps you up, the shoulder you rested on, the person you could depend on. But, I already knew at that point it was pointless to make a move. So, I settled for a role on the sidelines. I was fine with being your friend. I was fine with friendly hugs and casual talk.

So what was the point of all this?

I just want to say...thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for being the girl I fell in love with And thank you for continuing to be my friend to this day. I’ll always be here for you.

As for my feelings...well, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s been a fun few months.