In 2017, my family and I took a trip to Bali, Vietnam and Cambodia. It is a trip that my sister frequently brings up, with the sole  purpose of embarrassing me. But instead of my sister retelling the story of my unfortunate incident, I will push through red cheeks to recount my experience. Many things can go awry when you travel to the east. If you accidentally drink a drip of the water,  you can catch a stomach bug or parasite and you will eventually come to the happy result of diarrhea. If you eat the wrong food one, your body’s defense system will come into action and the result will be diarrhea. I bet you can guess the outcome even if you don’t know the cause. Either I shouldn’t have brushed my teeth with tap water or the food the day before wasn’t the best. The endless evacuation of my systems began that night. Luckily, I do not normally practice the art of puking, but after the next few days I was all too familiar with the task at hand. Not only did food, and bodily fluids evacuate through the mouth but also the other way. There was a kind Vietnamese woman who attempted to solve my problems by giving me bread and ginger tea but nothing seemed to help my constant nausea, heaviness, and all around fever. Between my two daily functions I was in the bathroom at least once an hour. It was almost time to hop into the bathroom again after a hard day of stomach emptying, when it happened. When you are constantly shitting you forget that flatulence are a thing. I probably hadn’t tooted since the beginning of my wonderful sickness. I thought, oh it just a toot what’s the harm. Little did I know. I tooted and it was like a bullet hurling out of a shotgun, but in my pants. My heart sunk. Oh no! What have I done. I got up out of bed as fast as someone who just shit their pants. Oh shit! Literally. I even got poop on the t shirt I was wearing. I sat on the toilet and it kept coming. I didn’t leave the hotel room for the next few days. Now, I cannot get away from this story. Any chance my sister gets she brings it up. “My fifteen year old sister pooped her pants.” My only response: shit happens.

30-70% of traveler’s experience Travelers Diarrhea. In Bali, it is known as bali belly.

I’ll Never Live It Down

As young children we all follow a schedule. Go to elementary school. Learn about dinosaurs and 1+1. Munch fruit roll-ups and cheese sticks for lunch. Take the bus home. Rewrite vocab three times per word. Play outside until the modern dinner bell of your mom or dad screaming out of the front door. Scarf down dinner. Watch TV and play more. Get ready for bed. Take a bath. Brush teeth. Floss. And bed. I was particularly fond of flossing. I loved the way the floss tasted so as only a kid can. What if I ate it? I made an incredible decision. I ate some floss not knowing how it would affect me later. The next day as I was going number 2, it became clear that something was not digested correctly. I called my mom in and I can only assume she had the same look of horror as I do when I think I might have to help my dog shit on a neighbors yard. As the boss bitch she is, she rolled up her sleeves and was forced to pull the floss out of my mortified butt. With my siblings cackling at the door, there was no way that this embarrassing moment would be forgotten. For a month she called me flossy butt. I think it’s safe to say I have never looked at floss the same way.

According to a buzzfeed article titled, “23 ‘WTF, Are You Crazy?!’ Things People Actually Ate As Kids,” people have eaten paper napkins, lotion, leaves, dog bones, and glue. I wouldn’t want to be their parents.

I Fixed IT!

Last semester I went on a field trip for a club called first amendment first vote. A weekend trip to Seneca Falls to learn about women’s rights and running for office. After this weekend I would say I became more qualified to become a plumber. I’m not sure if my body backfired on my because I was away from home or if I had eaten too much dairy the day before but I had a particularly hard time pooping one day. I might have spent 30+ minutes just trying to poop. By the way, now is not the time to lecture my terrible eating habits. Please don’t blame the victim. Finally after an hour of praying that no one would come in mid turd and hoping no one was thinking about what I was doing, I wiped my bum, got up and tried to flush the toilet. Nothing happened. It was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn’t leave it there like a hit and run or dine and dash. I waited a little while to try to let the water soften my stool but nothing worked. I decided to do something. I had to. If this is already too gross do not read on. I repeat DO NOT READ ON. I pulled up my sleeves grabbed a bag that is supposed to be used for pads and tampons. I stuck my hand in the bag like a glove and broke up my poop. Yes it was gross but the pride I felt of having fixed the situation was worth it. I felt like an adult finishing their taxes. I did IT!

29.3% of people say they experience constipation once a month.

We Need to Leave Now

I love Mexican food. The chips, refried beans and rice have me salivating. There is nothing better than a warm chip overflowing with salsa directly above my mouth about to be consumed. Mexican restaurants also pose as a sort of laxative. But every once in a while I get a craving for fajitas that needs to be filled nearly as much as a life-saving drug at the pharmacy. My favorite Mexican restaurant is El Palenque on the corner of Eggert and Niagara Falls Boulevard. When you walk in you are welcomed by a moderately hygienic atmosphere and the wafting smells from the kitchen. As soon as you sit down you are fed chips and salsa and are waited on in the first 15 minutes. You will get your food in the next 10 minutes and then be forced by your bowels to leave five seconds after you finish eating. This happens to me every time I go there without fail. Sometimes I have to interrupt my mother while she is eating because I have to shit so bad that I don’t want to ruin the restaurant bathroom. Thanks mom for letting me poop when I need to.

35.8% of people say they experience diarrhea once a month.

You Can Avoid It

If you are trying to change your life and want to start with the number 2 item on the list or if you want to shy away from being one of the statistics, there are many things you can do. These include  buying various fruits, medicine and amazing products. Prunes are a fruit with lots of fiber to keep your system flowing like the Niagara falls. When I was younger, my parents used to ask me if I had pooped and if I hadn’t I had to eat a dried prune from the fridge. More than once, I ate 4 instead of 1. Those days it only took an hour or two to correct my system. Another way to combat constipation is to use a squatty potty. It turns out that indoor plumbing may not have been the best thing for furthering the society. Many of our pooping issues can be solved with a squatty potty because it puts us in the most natural position for going number 2.  This comes highly recommended by my friend who claims that the squatty potty is the best thing she has ever used and she can’t poop without it. She loves her squatty potty. She even said that her poop slides right out. I know it’s gross but if you made it through the other stories this should be tame. Now get out there and poop your hearts out!

HAPPY POOPING!!