I can’t really remember when they came along, one day I woke up and they were just there beside my bed. Ever since then they’ve been like a shadow of sorts, following me everywhere. At first I tried to make them leave me alone, but they wouldn’t budge. Eventually they rooted into my life and made themselves at home. After a while I named them Flicker, they became kind of like a friend, but the worst one you could imagine. They’re full of happiness when I’m empty. When I’m having fun they ruin it. When they see I’m trying to make friends, when I’m building up relationships they knock them down. 

Me and Flicker are complicated, I hate them, if I could tear them apart with my bare hands I would. But then again, it almost feels like I wouldn’t be me anymore without Flicker, like I would miss them in the morning. Like I said, we’re complicated. 

One of the worst parts about them is that nobody else can see them. Nobody else knows why my shoulder sag a little more, why I talk a little less. Everybody assumes I’m just moody, that I have a bad attitude. That’s not it, I don’t try to act off, but Flicker is like a wall between me and everybody else. They scare people away, my family, my friends, they even scare me sometimes. Whenever they’re around things are cold and dark, and it rubs off on others. So I have to stay away, otherwise the people I’m around would get they’re own Flickers, and I can’t put anybody through that. 

Some days it’s not too bad, they’ll leave me by myself for a while, maybe a week or two. I think people like me better then, when I’m not covered in the same dark fog as Flicker. But it never lasts, they always come back and run they’re big mouth. They tell me I’m not good enough, that I’m weak and needy, that I’m spoiled and have no reason to feel the way I do. But afterwards Flicker will hold me, tell me it’s okay. They’re embrace is cold and suffocating, but it’s the only option I have. 

Flicker’s like a soft cushion, warm and inviting, absolutely normal. But once you sit down and get comfy there’s a harsh reminder of all the sharp needles hidden inside. But even with the needles and painful words, Flicker’s a constant. They’ll always be there, no matter what. I’ll never get rid of them, because the only way to do that is to tell somebody about flicker, and they’ll never let that happen. Flicker won’t let anybody else see them, because then they would have to go, and I would be free.