March 2020, Friday the 13th. Generally a lot of things come to mind when I think of that day, all bad for the most part. But this day was different. I woke up early, around 6:30, it was cold and dark in my room, I could feel the cold nipping at my toes and nose. After much debating in bed, I easily got up and ready for school. Funny, when I looked in the mirror my hair was a horrendous mess, it looked like it could rival a bird's nest-but that soon changed. I searched for a nice outfit, and ended up throwing on a cute pink top, my favorite light blue skinny jeans, and white vans with painted cartoon characters-that I painted on myself-- to match. I was feeling great about myself, it was going good, my mom even said, “You look nice today.” As time went by, the sun peeked through the clouds and it was getting warmer. When I finally got to school, I soon heard rumors of us going to be out of school for a week longer than spring break initially was. I could see everyone whispering about it, eager and excited to get an extra long break from school. I am excited, you may not be able to see it now, but I was jumping with joy. I’m going to be able to go out with friends more, get ready and get all ‘pretty’ and maybe meet new people, maybe crush on that random guy that we walk by and end up talking about. I’m in a great place, I was happy and it felt amazing, it was like digging your feet into the sand at the bank of the ocean on a nice warm sunny day at the beach-that type of nice feeling. But my dreams and hopes were crushed when the news of never going back to school and having a lockdown changed that all for me.

It's now been about 5 months since the announcement of the lockdown and worldwide pandemic. I still see my friends as often as I can, trying to make the most of the worst. Even as time goes by and things seemingly get worse around me, I’m feeling more happiness than I could’ve thought. I’ve learned to use my time by working out. The little happiness working as a paradise for a moment, working to make me feel better than I ever had. Not counting the little inconvenience of not being able to hang out with my friends like before, doing activities we no longer can do. School has started back up again--it's the end of August, we would’ve been in our Junior year with a normal start, working in our small but cozy classrooms alongside our classmates and teachers. But of course that is not the case to my dismay. 

We're now 9 months away from the last day of school. It is now December. As the days get colder, my spirit gets lower. I’ve lost all motivation. If you see me now, I’d look like the crazed abominable snowman-and not the cute one from the animated movie. I’ve stopped taking care of myself and putting real effort into my schoolwork. Even as I have my friends that really support me and help me through it all, not being able to see them everyday like before has taken a greater toll on me than I ever imagined. I can feel rocks dragging behind me everywhere I go, slowing me down, the lightness of freedom is gone and hard to see. I find myself crying to sleep more often than I’d like, trying to feel what I felt before. As time goes, I feel what little confidence I have left slipping from my grasp, barely reachable. One person in particular is keeping me from losing it. I just wonder how much longer I have until it's gone. 

It has now been over a year. We are now in 2021, back in March once again. At some point I felt myself feeling good about me again, I was happy, happier than I had been in almost a year. But that has soon ran away from me as quickly as it came. I now sit in my room in silence, and yet it is anything but. My head, filled with negative thoughts, contact with friends is being held by a thread, tears have come daily falling quicker and harder than the heaviest of storms. Even as I fail to believe in myself, that same one person who's stuck with me since before December continues to stay, and support me through it all. They are the reason I know everythings going to be okay, they’re why I know I am going to be okay again.

Even as another person spends their nights talking with me, keeping us from becoming hermits in our homes, I have another friend that keeps me going too. Many are convinced that me and her are sisters, both with similar body shapes, almost the same height too. People used to mix us up all the time. But even as we have our similarities, I thought my and her lives would be very different in how this pandemic has affected us, oh I was very wrong. She explains to me, saying “I’ve never had the best mental health. But this pandemic has made it worse. But I slowly got used to it, and now I’m doing okay. I’m used to crying at least once a night.” I used to question myself, wondering if crying was the best answer. But as she explained how crying is a release, how crying may hurt for the moment, you’ll always feel better after, I realized that crying that often wasn’t as bad as I thought and is one step closer to showing that we are still human and hurting was fine. Maybe our lives weren’t so different after all.

This pandemic has been hard for everyone, some more than others. Some of us weren’t very social in the first place, and we are thriving in these conditions. But then there's the others who relied on outside socialization away from family to keep them going, to give them their get away. I was one of those people. We are the ones that this pandemic has taken the biggest toll on. But we know that it will get better, and that our friends, the ones that stayed through it all, will support us just as we will support them. Things will get better. We will get better. It is then that we will be at our best, thriving just as before, or even more than imagined.