Two weeks, no word from him. No word from the man I thought cared- the man that I thought actually didn't see me for my body size and bad habits, nothing, it didn't help that I was sicker than a cancer patient. Coughing my lungs out and not being able to sleep isn't quite the best mix; first it was just the start of Covid- body aches, trouble breathing, plus making the mistake of showing up to classes to deal with loud teenagers that are probably gonna end up drunks or worse. Some say I was moody. 

But who wouldn't be? You're in physical pain plus classmates slamming books down which made the migraines worse mixed with being unable to inhale nor exhale, of course I’m gonna be a bit of a female dog. 

The one day I showed up to school sick was when I tested positive for Covid-19, a world wide pandemic that very quickly swept over the earth in a matter of a month. I was a freshman in highschool when everyone thought the world was gonna end- but enough about that. It was Jr year- not even a month into the semester. This would be the school year I would start to love myself, all thanks to a guy I found by accident. 

I had been “on the market” for roughly a week, and my mental health instantly bounced from a two year depression to being the happiest person in the world- getting out of a relationship that was drug out, every day was numbing and all I felt was trapped. All day, every day. But I'll get to that stuff another time.

At first me and the dude were just friends, until we started asking each other random questions like who our type was and our ideal dates. Questions I was genuinely curious about, in a way it’s my way of getting to know new people, then he started describing me as his ideal type. Since I’m not used to people liking me in general I was shocked, but hey, the dudes a really sweet person- why not give him a chance. It was then that I started to fall for him; a guy I’ve never met in person. We had mostly texted each other and occasionally sent stupid pictures of our faces, as the weeks went by my heart raced more- I couldnt help but respond instantly from time to time. 

As the days progressed we started calling each other “cute”, “adorable”, even at one point he called me “perfect”. With each praise my cheeks would get redder, with each little comment of how “freaking amazing” I was it made my days brighter, like I wasn't a burden. Someone actually liked me, and I started to feel like I wasn't some freak of nature just because my way of expressing myself is not like most people. It was the first of October when it happened, coming back to classes after being so severely ill for two weeks. Everything felt off, finally I would leave my empty room that used to be full of laughter and squeals of excitement. Two weeks of no word from the guy I called a man, two weeks of worrying, two long weeks of throwing up water from being stressed beyond belief. The last text he sent was asking how I was, and I was truthful- 

“I just got done spending time with my mom, Hbu?” 

“Not so good, covid has been kicking my ass and I’ve been stressed about school, how about you cutie?”

And since then I’ve heard nothing from him, at first my thoughts were on how sweet and kind the guy is. Then a few days later I still heard nothing. I figured- “It's no big deal, maybe he's busy with work or school.” Since my best friend was also quarantined I told her everything that was happening. She found it really suspicious, yet didn't tell me due to wanting to wait it out. My mother expressed the idea of him being grounded- but a tiny part of me thought he was dead. Every day the thoughts darkened. Every day waking up at nine in the morning only to see no new messages from the guy I fell for. Memories of my past relationships flooding in after trying so hard to shut them out. 

From being in an abusive relationship from grade six till seventh- going home with bruises all over my shoulders and legs, to being used only to get back at other people’s ex, all I knew when it came to any form of relationship with people was getting hurt and still being stupid enough to come back.I even told him about how one of my best friends left my life out of the blue. He promised that would never happen with him, that he would never stop talking to me out of the blue. And my stupid self belived it. I believe another lie. For years in my past relationships I’ve always felt like crap, feeling like nothing but a nuisance in their lives, nothing but a fly around their head, like the person I was with was never happy. 

He reassured me that he was happy and I believed him, I freaking believed another lie, I guess that's what I get for trusting people again. Then those two weeks proved to my subconscious that maybe love isn't real. 

Two weeks, pure hell from the constant panic attacks and very little sleep, once I arrived back at school, a friend mentioned my boyfriend- telling her how the guy went off the radar, one of my new friends- Alana being the sweetheart she is- she texted him. Not even five minutes after the message was sent he replied, a part of me was angry, when classes ended for the day all I could think about was the possibility of him getting tired of me. By the time late afternoon rolled around my snapchat went off, it was Alana. Our conversation was a bit tense at first but quickly it went to screenshots of their conversation. 

“I made it seem like we weren't close so he wouldn't catch on” She was smart, which is rare from most detective work when it comes to the best friend code, what was sent was a conversation of the guy I believed would never leave me- calling me “intense”. I knew for a fact that my friends could back me up with evidence of our conversations, when he said he wanted to take the relationship slow I understood and respected his choice. During the short time we were together my texts were mainly asking how his day was or if he's doing ok. When news got out to some of my closest friends they started spamming me saying they were gonna fly to canada to beat him, and attempt to put him in a grave. 

I always knew I wasn't worth it, but in a way it felt nice, one of my long time friends Izzy had to lay the smack down of how I’ve been there for her for so long that she will always return the favor. Izzy’s term of “returning the favor” was going off on him for doing what he did. For the past few days when I found out I was ghosted everyone bombarded me with questions. “Are you ok?” “What happened?” All those questions made me a tad bit upset. Overhearing my mother saying how I was so much happier when I was with him, comments like thoes=- made me more than angry. Nicole, my sister, who I’ve known since I was four years old, gave out the idea of writing him a letter and burning it. So in a way this is what this is what my memoir is, a letter to the guy I was willing to wait for. 

To kyler, the man I fell for- 

A part of my self hatred says “I don't blame you for ghosting me, putting me through all the stress and worry”, that I deserve it. You hurt me, made me worry for two weeks straight, I thought you were dead. I told my closest friends and even my teachers about you, my own teachers who I consider parental figures, I supported you in everything. Even some decisions that go against my morals. You, Kyler, I daydreamed every day of little dates we could go on, or seeing you in person for the first time. I fell for you, and I fell hard. There's no telling if I’ll forgive you easily. If there is anything that I’ve learned from my very long road to self love it’s that- I need to let go. 

And I am more than willing to let go of you, you’ve helped me realize how I should be treated in a relationship. Yes my way of showing people that I like them is odd- sending cute memes and flirting with you at random times. You, Kyler, have helped me learn how to love myself. And if anything I thank you for helping me with that. 

A while back I saw a video that has made me realize that grudges can't be held forever, “If someone close has left your life, thank them 

for being in your life may have changed everything for a season, an episode, for the entire show. Thank those who have left”. 

And to you, Kyler, the man I fell hard for, the man I was willing to wait for. The man who made me feel like I’m not some disgusting blob of emotional and mental trauma, The man who made my heart race just from a single text, from just reacting to my messages, the man who I imagined I could actually be with. You- kyler- the man who made me happy again, who made me blush so red that I couldn't stop; The guy who made my days brighter, made my heart flutter, made the idea of true love sound possible. But you are also the man that broke those beliefs of happiness, and I am not sure if I can forgive you. But I will thank you for making me realize how I, Emerson, deserve to be loved. Thanks to you, I realized the people who truly love me are my closest friends. Izzy, Amanda, Emily, Dylan, Kiley, Alana, Karista, Oliva, and so many more. 

Those people have stuck by my side through the dark times, and who helped me find light in any situation. Thanks to you Kyler, I now realize who will never leave my side. But most importantly- thank you to my closest friends for always being there, for letting me listen to your problems, for letting me know what it feels like to have true friends, you all are my family. And I love you all for that.