I can stare at the wall for god knows how long, I can stare and stare with blank thoughts, I can’t see myself 10 years from now. I don’t even know myself at the moment either. I don’t know anything, at all.  

One day in 7th grade we were doing an essay. My teacher said “What do you like to do?What don’t you like?.” But there was an option to do a self story or make up a story, Guess what I picked?. I decided I wanted to do a story because I didn’t know me nor what I liked or disliked, But one thing I discovered and knew from the bottom of my heart was that I HATED people all over me, and not giving me my space. But if you think about it, I enjoyed myself more when I was around people who actually cared, Who tried to understand me even if it wasn’t easy. I figured that I liked being around people who TRIED. It made me feel enough to put effort into things too. 

Sigh, Welcome to another phrase of my thoughts. When I’m near those who I care about I feel myself invincible as if nothing can hurt me.  I say to myself in the bathroom sometimes “it isn’t me who needs saving, it's this society.” I say.  The only reason I don’t like being around people these days is because having real friendships with people who care for you truly is impossible. Everything is so confusing for a little kid. 

One day in 5th grade recess I had this group of friends who I thought were gonna last forever but forever is never forever… “Hi Dd! She smiled , HI Lilly! She waved , Hi Malak! She rolled her eyes.” little me says to my three “forever best friends.” While all having three different reactions. “Hi”, They reply while giving me a hug. I thought they were acting weird but thought nothing of it so I just went on with my day.  Hours passed when we were all in the park hanging out and I heard Brandon say “I thought you were all done being her friend?.” he says. 

I reply with “Huh?.” I say, swearing I heard my heart crack into multiple pisces. 

They all stay quiet but Brandon had a smirk on his face, that’s what he does he makes fun of people. “Look lui, It isn’t like that” Lilly says.

 Sigh, “Ok.” I say. I don’t even look at her, I just walk away with my heart bleeding from betrayal. After that I just kept walking. I don’t remember how I got home, I was just there. I sat in my bed, and quickly put my headphones on not wanting tears to escape then and just kept thinking “Why am I around these people, Do I deserve this?.”                                                                             

Until this day I promise myself not to leave anyone out nor treat someone as I was treated. I rather be alone than be around people who don’t care about me nor put themselves in my shoes.