The June sun beat down on my back during my freshman year of high school as I trudged into my therapist’s office for what felt like the millionth time that month. There were so many things I would rather be doing than sitting in the old velvet chair in her dusty office. Don’t get me wrong— I loved my therapist, but talking about my feelings was not my forte. As soon as I stepped foot in her neutral-colored office, I could feel her eyes burning into me. Michelle knew me better than anyone at this point, and I hated that she could read me like an open book. I sat down on the couch and felt the familiar fabric underneath my thighs, and I allowed myself to sink into the worn-down cushions. I felt out of breath from the three-second walk it took from my dad’s car to her office, but I pushed the breathlessness I was feeling from my mind. I had been getting worn down a lot more easily these days, but I chose to ignore it. I crossed my arms and glanced up at her while I waited for her to begin our session because I refused to speak first.
“How are you doing today, Ally?” Michelle questioned, and I scoffed internally. Such a basic question that could be answered in so many ways, I thought. It took everything in me to resist rolling my eyes at the stupidity of her question. The conversation could go multiple ways; do I lie and let her dig to figure out the root cause of my problems, or do I take the easy way out and tell her how I’m truly feeling? Before I could decide, she spoke again.
“It looks like you’ve lost more weight since the last time I saw you,” she said, and something in my head finally clicked. My hands felt clammy and I tried to discreetly wipe them on my jeans shorts. I didn’t know what to say; she’d never made a comment as straight up as that before, especially regarding my weight. I knew there was something wrong and I’d explained that to her in the past, yet her comment made it seem much more serious than I’d thought. I put my hand around my waist, a habit I’ve created over the last few months, though I couldn’t quite put a finger on why I started doing so.
“I don’t think I have,” I replied quietly, not being able to make eye contact. The room suddenly felt much brighter than it was a few seconds ago, and I started to sweat profusely. I knew deep down my therapist wouldn’t lie to me, especially about something so serious. Yet I was in such a state of denial, just as I had been over the course of the last nine months, I didn’t listen. I put her words and advice in a box I had mentally created in the back of my head and kept them locked, so I wouldn’t have to worry.
That was the day I officially got diagnosed with anorexia. Its official term is anorexia nervosa, and it occurs when an individual purposefully starves to lose weight. If left untreated, anorexia is incredibly dangerous, being the leading cause of death regarding both eating disorders and mental health issues. The long-term impacts of anorexia can be difficult to recover from as well; when your body lacks nutrients, you begin to lose your hair, your skin grows extra layers of hair to insulate itself, and your internal organs can suffer severe damage. Many young adolescents, as well as adults, struggle with an eating disorder at some time during their life, and they are becoming significantly more present. There could be many reasons why this is, yet I believe that it is due to the glamorization of eating disorders in the media.
Social media is a large part of every teenager’s life; TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat are widely used apps for entertainment, and within the last few years, many younger generations are gaining access to these types of media. Unfortunately, this access can be dangerous as eating disorders are romanticized heavily on these apps. TikTok is a large platform, featuring many types of videos, from DIY crafts to memes to news that isn’t covered in the media. While it is supposed to be a fun, easy-going app, TikTok makes it easy to compare yourself to others, especially regarding your body. For young adolescent girls, though boys can be affected also, this can greatly erode self-esteem. Some famous influencers post “body-checks”. Body-checking is posting something to gain feedback in the comment section regarding your weight. This creates a toxic environment for those on social media, especially young girls. Everybody is beautiful, yet it’s difficult for young girls to believe that when the beauty standard is skinny with a flat stomach. While this may be healthy for some, it is not for all because not all body types are the same. It sets an unrealistic beauty standard that leads to issues with self-esteem and self-love. Setting unrealistic beauty standards for young girls is detrimental to both their mental and physical health. Eating disorders impact you physically and they are also mentally draining.
Fighting my eating disorder was like flailing against a riptide. A riptide is incredibly hard to remove yourself from as the current has a chokehold grip on the individual captured in it. Having anorexia felt exactly like this. Some days, my head was above the water; I could breathe just fine, and I was able to force down more than just a few hundred calories a day. I let myself run less than the 1.5 miles I normally would force myself to run, and I wouldn’t count my calories. These days were blissful; it would seem as if I was getting better. When the disorder sucked me back down under the waves, it felt worse each time. Under the waves and the water, calorie counting was the first thing on my mind when I woke up, went to school, and before I went to bed. I would exercise until failure. I looked at food with disgust and believed that whatever I consumed would harm me. Every night I would go to bed with my stomach growling and my body begging me for food, yet the waves kept me trapped and I only would feel relief once my head was out from under the water.
Healing fully from anorexia and having the riptide loosen its grip on me felt liberating. However, I was not the same person I was before my eating disorder. I was put on an exercise restriction, which was difficult for me as exercise was my outlet and one of my favorite hobbies. It was difficult to eat the same few foods that I ate when I had anorexia because doing so reminded me of that terrible period of my life. Being caught in a riptide is physically and mentally draining, yet it is an amazing feat to escape it. That’s exactly how I felt in recovery.
Some may argue that TikTok and other apps do not directly promote eating disorders and that individuals should be allowed to post whatever they want. However, girls actively body-checking themselves and calling themselves fat when they are clearly beautiful is incredibly harmful to young girls, especially those who are developing and still going through puberty, a crucial growing period in a young girl’s life. Photoshop and other photo editing apps are becoming increasingly popular, which is just another way for girls to make themselves look unrealistic. Many photos and videos on social media are heavily edited, yet it’s still easy for young girls to not understand that. Social media can be a dangerous place as it’s a breeding ground for young girls to compare themselves to others and ultimately destroy themselves to fit in.
Releasing myself from the riptide improved every aspect of my life. I got the help I needed from a nutritionist, and I surrounded myself with my family and friends who showed me unconditional love and support. I stopped worrying about how many calories were in my food, and now, I eat until I’m full. My body having energy is an amazing feeling; I’m able to exercise and do all the activities I love. Social media can be a toxic place, but now I look at it in a new light. I don’t need to look like every other girl on TikTok or Instagram because I love who I am, and I don’t want to take that away from myself again.