Alter Ego

My alter ego is when I’m at work. I turn into a completely different person, I have to. I am quick and think faster, I’m nicer and pay more attention to detail. There is the obvious mixing of my personality and my alter ego all the time during school too. For instance, I am uncomfortably similar in school to how I am at work. I often have one thing pinpointed, just like at work. I tend to be quiet and observe before I talk, especially in situations I’m not familiar with. 

When I was in middle school, I struggled with social anxiety. I found it difficult to make friends, while only wanting to be the outgoing, confident version of myself. That's when my alter ego formed. My alter ego was everything I am not. I began to use my alter ego as a way to interact with others more easily. When I was at a social event, I would imagine myself as my alter ego, guiding me through conversation and connections. My alter ego didn’t experience anxiety, it didn’t even know what it was. “Do that, don’t do that”. 

A realization hit me one day; my alter ego wasn’t a person, nonetheless who I am. It was simply a projection of my own desires and insecurities. I realized I needed to learn how to be confident without the use of my alter ego taking the fall. It was not easy, but I started to slowly work on building my confidence and social skills. I made numerous efforts to put myself out into the world, and defy my social anxiety. 

Over time, I found out that I was able to interact with others more easily. I obviously still felt nervous and anxious at times, but I no longer felt the need for my alter ego, I had learned how to be confident and outgoing as Laney, not my alter ego. Looking back on my experience with my alter ego I realized that it was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me cope with social anxiety and gave me the unwarranted confidence to interact with others far more easily than before. However, it also acted as a crutch and prevented me from learning how to be confident as myself and only myself. Regardless, I am grateful for the experience. I don’t know where I would be without my alter ego. Would I still be that shy little girl who would eat lunch in the corner of the room separated from others? Or would I have eventually learned to interact with others without my alter ego. In the end, I wouldn’t trade my alter ego for the world.