Something’s not right. Why is it, when I’m with him, that I feel like I’m cheating on you? Why is it that I want to hide the simple, superficial friendship I have with him as though it’s somehow bad? I have a desperate need to make our nightly good-byes secret, our conversations hushed, our greetings whispered.
But there is nothing for me to hide - from you, him, or anyone.
When he hugs me goodnight, I only shiver because I’m cold - not because he gives me goosebumps. When he does the whole “whisper-her-name-til-she-looks-&-then-pretend-it-wasn’t-me” thing, it has nothing to do with his supposedly good friend being right there. I know he likes teasing her, but I was just closer to him in the set (wait, was I?). And it’s not flirting; it’s teasing. When I’m freezing cold at the football game, and he hugs me - he wasn’t holding me per se, just hugging for an extended period of time - the tingling feeling is just warmth, not me feeling dizzy from the strength of his powerful arms holding me oh-so-tightly.
Are your arms that strong? I find myself comparing the two of you in my head; and inevitably, he comes out on top. Why is it that I want band to end so quickly - and yet I wish it would go on forever? Will the ending of band cure me of this sidetrack, this distracting infatuation? It’s you that I’ve admired & respected & loved for a year now. It’s you that used to give me goosebumps & you that made my heart beat fast & you that always brightened my day.
But the way he makes me tingle at my fingertips, the way he makes me feel faint and somehow strong at the same time, the way his even existing in my life makes every moment that much more worthwhile-
Things are going so, horribly wrong.