The only reason I’m writing this is because I don’t want to forget the days like this where it’s 11:39 pm on a Thursday and I’m sitting here because I don’t particularly want o go to sleep because so much is happening. And by so much I don’t really mean that much but really just that I love Kim Martino and I talked to my mom today and I don’t particularly like her that much. So that’s all I mean. I’m only writing this because I never want to forget what it feels like to sit cross-legged in bed, knowing that I’m not pregnant even though I skipped two periods, but I’m not because I’m still a virgin and anyway I got my period three days ago. And I don’t want to forget what it feels like to have Happiness from You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown stuck in my head and to be wondering what would make me happy right now, and then not being able to decide and ending up typing a word document. I never wanna forget what it’s like to spend an entire evening on Facebook waiting for nothing in particular and not doing homework because I have a field trip tomorrow. I never want to forget what it feels like when I want to talk to someone, but there’s no one awake worth talking to. 11:42.

Pause.

Think.

I guess I don’t really know what happiness is for me, I like rehearsals and music and singing badly without trying to sing badly but singing badly anyway because I just naturally have a bad voice. And I like not practicing piano, even though I know I’m gonna regret it soon. Like soon soon, like in four days.

Pause.

Kim Martino is cool, you know I’ll never end up telling anyone this but I kind of have been spending the last day or two imagining what it would be like if I reacted to everything the same way she would, and I guess I’ve been kind of trying to do that without really trying trying. She just seems so perfect. I bet she could get into Harvard if she really wanted to. She probably doesn’t think she can, though.

Pause.

I’d like to go to Harvard.

Pause. 11:46.

I don’t want to forget what it feels like when you know you should go to sleep but you just don’t want to. And also, simultaneously, the feeling that in a few years this will be going to bed early for you, because 3 am will be normal. It’s like feeling young and old at the same time. Or maybe it will be.

I don’t really want to grow up. I kind of like being fifteen. Halfway to thirty, I guess. 11:48.