I’ve heard it said that when we look back on what was accomplished in our lives we regret what we didn’t do more than what we did. I was standing right next to her, and I did nothing. I was fearful of what could be done to me if I had stood up to the harassment. I now know that I would feel better if I had at spoken my mind that day and had the fear turn to truth than live with the regret I have now. It kills to know that I can’t do anything now; my chance to do something is over.
My last year of elementary school was spent with my lifelong friends and a girl named Carrie. Carrie came to my school the year before and we never talked even though we were in the same class. I had heard that she was a drama queen and was only nice to a few choice people so I tried to keep my distance. On the first day of sixth grade I found that she’d be in my class again that year. I wasn’t excited about it at the time, because of the rumors, but I decided that if I kept my distance the year wouldn’t be so bad. In every class I went to I sat next to my good friends and away from Carrie until I got to my final class. The teacher assigned me the seat right next to her. After the weeks of sitting near Carrie in my Social Studies class, doing projects together and asking each other what we got for answers, I began to like sitting next to her; she turned out to be a nice and loyal friend. The gossip couldn’t have been any more wrong. This new friendship between Carrie and I started to make me wonder why I hadn’t tried to talk to her the year before instead of just believing the rumors. I began to invite her to sit next to me at lunch. Carrie's friends from the year before began to think that if she didn’t talk to them, and only them, 24/7 then they shouldn’t be friends at all. By November, I was Carrie's only, true friend. They would gossip about her behind her back and then laugh at any of her flaws whenever she’d walk by them. Sadly, the laughter of once trusted friends was just the beginning of Carrie's bullying experience. Everyone who she had, in the past year, befriended or had been friendly to was turning on her and talking about her behind her back. I will never know why they felt that this was even OK to do. All I knew was that I did, with my many opportunities, absolutely nothing to stop the bullying.
The hallways were like a game of Frogger, always trying to avoid certain people and attempt to run in to class quickly at the same time. Once we weren’t as lucky as we usually were. A boy, Dan, saw us and for some deranged reason thought it was a good idea to ruin our day. The only difference about this time, compared to his normal approach, was that he was targeting me.
I saw the clouds cover the sun through the glass doors and windows, making everything a eerie shade, in the same manner that my brain was fogging up with uncontrollable fear. I felt the hall get darker and darker every step he took toward us. My insides were beginning to turn over and I was started to feel sick. Carrie's face turned down toward the tiled floors, not wanting anyone to see her look vulnerable. “Hey Beth, How do you even look at this thing? I can’t see how you can bear to be friends with her,” He said with a smirk on his face and his black hair covering his eyes so that I couldn’t read them. I had to say something. It was my turn to show everyone that I was done with them giving crap to Carrie over nothing and that if they thought they were being cool or funny they couldn’t be any more wrong. But I didn’t say that. The entire hall was silent waiting for me to lash back at Dan. Nothing was spoken. I could tell that I looked like a deer in the headlights of a truck with the terror overtaking me, and the blush on my cheeks spreading throughout the rest of my face. While my emotions fought each other, deciding between fight and flight, I looked over to Carrie. She was next to me with her eyes casted down taking in deep breaths, dreading what was coming next. We both wanted to just run out of the hall, out of the school; anywhere away from this situation
The smirk on Dan’s face crawled up his cheeks, forming a sinister smile that reached both of his ears. Finally, Dan slowly turned around and walked toward the door across from us, entering the science room, and thinking that his job was done. I was glad the hours of silence were finally over. The remainder of the day I tried forgetting about the incident before, but no matter the effort I couldn’t. I knew I’d made a mistake the moment Dan smiled. The fear had just taken over me. What if I’d start to be bullied? What if I did say something back and get in trouble? What if… The “what if’s” kept me silent when I should’ve said something.
Besides my horrible mistake, Carrie and I continued to be friends. I was so happy that she hadn’t turned away from me because shortly after that incident my old friends began to despise Carrie. One told me that she and two others didn’t want to be around me because I’d been spending too much time with Carrie and not enough time with them. I began feeling so alone and helpless. The same way Carrie had felt in the hallway. After the split between my three close friends and me, Carrie was there. She knew what I was going through and how it felt to lose supposed friends. She was there for me when it seemed I was alone. I will always be thankful for that. That caused me to wish that I had stood up for Carrie after what she did for me.
I’ll always have more regrets for not standing up for Carrie than if I had stood up for her and had become the victim. I just wish I had proven to Carrie how much I cared for her by standing up for her instead of being silent and just letting my own selfish fears silence me. Every day I will regret not saying anything in Carrie's defense. I really wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to let fear choke me up and do something. The fear can choke up anyone and keep him or her from achieving his or her goals or, in my case, from protecting a friend. The fear in bullying is not only in the one being targeted, but also the bystanders. I wish I wasn’t terrified then, that I hadn’t thought about the consequences, but I did. And there’s nothing I can do about it now.