I feel tears prickle the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks. I try my best to smile, but my face immediately droops back down.

“Um, think I’m just going to go grab some water,” I stutter and the turn and flee from my friends.

I can feel their eyes on my retreating back, but I refuse to turn around. I push through the double doors, trying to ignore my swimming vision. I can feel my heart thumping against my soft linen shirt, beating to the speed of my quick breaths.

Taking a deep breaths, I try to calm myself, come up with a reasonable explanation for what I just heard. Yet deep down I know what she said is true. She wouldn't lie to me.

I feel something tight began to expand inside my chest, leaving room for nothing else. For once I almost welcome the pain, let myself disappear into it’s depths. A single tear slides down my face, but I make no move to wipe it away. For a second I resist, then I give over to tears, sobs silently shaking my body.

I let my head drop, all the anger, and determination leaving me. I sit there with my back pressed against the rough stone on the wall of our school.

I want to blame someone, make them feel my hurt. But inside I know it’s not anyone's fault, but mine.

Why do I bring this one myself? Why does this story keep repeating? Why do I push the people who love me most away?

I close my wet eyes and for a second I’m transported back into my memories. Images flash by my eyes. I watch my younger self talk, and laugh with her best friend. Watch as she slowly grows closer to him. As I see the happiness, the innocent joy I take in life; I feel a stab of jealousy shoot through me. I know what happens next in this story, yet even so I can’t help but wonder why I did it? Why I pushed him away, ignored him?

I shake my head trying to clear it, see the right way to go. But something stands in front of me, blocking the rest of the road from my sight. My fear, my anger, and the sadness I feel has trapped me, leaving me weak and broken.

As I slowly try my best to regain control, a vivid memory flashes in front of my eyes.

I see him walk slowly into the classroom his eyes red and swollen. I watch as I do nothing, let him go to his friends without a word. Turn my back slowly on him, my face expressionless.

As I once again come back to present I feel a new emotion slowly take over. I can’t believe I sit here grieving when I did the same thing to him. It was my fault he was like that. But never once did I apologize, even mention the incident to him.

I push myself to my feet, dusting gravel of my jeans. I wipe hot, salty tears of my face, and shake out my messy hair. I turn and cross to the heavy metal doors, and push through them a small smile on my face. It’s time to face the consequences.