Semper Fidelis, usually shortened to semper fi, is Latin for always faithful. This is commonly used and known for the motto of the U.S. Marine Corps. I remember the first time I heard that phrase. I was 15 years old and my family was throwing a big christmas party, as we do every year, and for any and everything we could think of. The way my family is with parties is every chance they get they’ll crack open a cold one. My house probably had about 60 people in it. My mom’s side in the dining room and my dad’s side in the basement at the bar. They always talk about the past. About family members whom I’ve never met, about things I wasn’t there to experience. Anyway, I was hanging out with my cousins, all 9 of us, all around the same age. We were sitting in the kitchen eating and talking about life when my other cousin, the 10th one and the oldest, walked through my front door. First off, he was much bigger than he was when he left. His chest stuck out more, his arms were larger, and his shoulders were broader. He was wearing a light brown dress jacket, navy blue pants. Much quieter than he was before, more humble and respectful. I liked the image. I liked what the marines had done to him. Let me tell you a little bit about him. Before enlisting, he left home at 18, barely finishing high school. Ended up a college dropout. Mooched off friends and family for a few years. No job, no home, no education, nothing. Long story short, he was a f*** up. Ryan was going nowhere, fast. So unlike me he didnt have a choice. The military was his only option. So he talked to his parents and after a long talk, his parents agreed and he enlisted. Why he chose the marines i never knew. I don’t think it really matters.

When he came home for christmas he told me about what happens and what its like and the opportunities they offer there i knew, right then and there, I was going to the marines.

Its been a couple years now and I’ve watched what he does in the marines. I’m still 100% sure thats what I’m doing. I want to be the one that wears the pants and the jacket. I want to be the one that lives by semper fi. I want to be someone my sisters and younger cousins can look up to. I want to be somebody my family is proud of, and I want to do something with my life, to prove to myself that I can accomplish great things. What a better way to do that then defend the country that everything I want and love and respect come from. Thats only some of the reason I want to join.

You turn on the TV to the news and you can see how many people die in war. I just have a bad feeling that I would get sent over there. Its not so much that I’m scared. Its more of the fact that I don’t know if I would be able to live with whatever happens over there. I mean in the moment, if there was somebody pointing a gun at me, I would be the one to pull the trigger first. No hesitation.

My cousin got deployed in Afghanistan. When he came back he was different. you could see it. In his eyes, they way he acted, in his speech, you could tell something was off. When you looked into his eyes they looked dazed. Cold and glossy. Since then it hasn’t changed. After a month or so after he got back, he told me some of the stuff that happened there. He’s seen some stuff. This is one of the stories he told me. Its all true and its really messed up. Him and his unit were doing a search on a small village where insurgents were said to be operating from. During the search a firefight erupted when they were ambushed by insurgents. This is the messed up part. He busts down a door and a man is waiting there with an AK-47 in his hands. Without blinking, Ryan puts 2 bullets in his chest. Screaming, the guy’s wife picks up the gun and points it at him and his buddy drops her with one round. You won’t believe this. The guy’s son picks up the gun. He was only a boy of about 15 or so. Ryan was yelling at him to drop the weapon. The boy and Ryan lock eyes for a split second. When the boy began to raise the gun he pulls the trigger one time and sent a bullet flying into his head. Red mist sprays on the wall behind him as the back of his head explodes from the bullet. He dropped.

My cousin says it still haunts him. That he can still see his face right before he took his life. Thats just one of the stories he told me.

To be honest I don’t know if I could handle that. In the moment I would have no other choice but after, when the boys face would run through my head, when his head exploded, when he drops like a rock. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that. Even though I might be faced with that same situation in the future. I don’t know if theres any getting used to that. Thats still a chance I’m willing to take. I don’t base what war looks like by what I see in movies or video games. I base it on what people who have been there and experienced it tell me. I can’t say I know what its like because I don’t. I haven’t been there. But if i get there I might have an idea of what to expect.

The night I told my parents, my dad didn’t seem to care. Not in a bad way, just like he didn’t care as long as I was doing something with my life. My mom on the other hand, was pissed off. I mean furious. She kept asking me why and saying that she doesn’t want me to go. After I explained why she gave in. Not like she had a choice. I would’ve done it anyway. My little sister was confused. I don’t think she fully understood what was going on. She was only 6 at the time. She’ll get it one day.

The responses I get from people are all the same. Its either “What the hell, why would you do that?” or its “I hope it works out for you.” Once and awhile somebody will tell me I’m crazy. Honestly, I don’t care whether agree and support my decision or not. Its my life not theirs. I’m going to do what i feel is best for me to do. Regardless of what people think. I just want them to understand why I’m doing it. That there is a reason behind doing this. To make them understand. And if they don’t, I don’t really care.