I am not a TV watcher. I’m not one that turns on the TV and says:

“What’s on?”

My little brother is, however, a TV watcher. He watches MeTV, a nice channel that features old shows. Like “The Brady Bunch”, “Gilligan’s Island”, “M*A*S*H”, and “Emergency!” He will watch this channel for hours straight.

However, the commercials are not catered to seven-year-olds, but instead to old people. So, we get Pat Boone in a walk-in tub, cafeteria ladies convincing other cafeteria ladies to get life insurance, and of course the drug commercials.

“Nowalkia will prevent pain in your left forearm!” the cheery commercial voice says. These commercials feature senior citizens running through meadows with dogs, going on fishing trips, or wandering alone through the Redwood Forest with no water bottle. (not a good idea.) Then, the senior citizen will continue wandering as a fast-talking lawyer comes on and says something like:

“NowalkiaIsNotRightForEveryone.Don’tTakeIfProneToHeartDiseaseLiverDiseaseAppendicitisToothDiseaseBrainTumorsOrIfYouHaveANYKindOfAllergy.NowalkiaIsAvailableInAllFiftyStatesExceptForCaliforniaWhichIsARealShameBecauseThatIsWhereTheRedwoodForestActuallyIs.WhichMeansYouHaveToBuyItInAnotherStateAndThenGoFrolicInTheRedwoodForest.OurManBillHereWhoIsTheGuyYouAreWatchingWalkThroughTheRedwoodForestBoughtHisNowalkiaInNorthCarolinaAndFlewToCaliforniaBecauseHeMadeSoMuchMoneyDoingThisCommercialSpot.ButHeSeemsToHaveForgottenAWaterBottle.OhDear.PoorBill.RestrictionsMayApply.SeeYourDoctorIfYouStartToHaveSymptomsSuchAsTheDesireToShoveAHotdogUpYourNoseAfterYouTakeNowalkia.”

Now my sister on the other hand, is a Phillies fan. So our TV is on most evenings in the summer. The commercials on the sports stations are mainly for one thing: cars.

A most well-known type of car commercial is usually run by any car company that sells trucks. A deep male voice narrates this commercial, explaining how TOUGH and STRONG it is. The commercial involves burly men in plaid shirts, and occasionally a son or a dog of their’s. These characters drive though the woods recklessly, occasionally through the river. In one commercial I saw, a burly man and his son jumped in the river. They didn’t even change out of their plaid shirts. Luckily, they had a trusty pick-up truck to drive through the woods in, while heaving tree trunks or large boulders. The commercials seem to convey that you use this truck on the job, but unless you are a lumberjack, I highly doubt you will be heaving tree trunks about. In fact, most people who buy this truck will only heave around one kind of tree: their Christmas tree. Unless they don’t celebrate Christmas. In which case they could heave around a tree on Arbor Day, which is a nice holiday, celebrating trees and all. I like trees. Trees provide paper, and air, and prettiness. So in my opinion Arbor Day is awesome. (Except no one, including me, knows when it is.)

Another car commercial takes place in a dealership. People come in to look at cars, while an actor (who is most probably not actually a cars salesperson) explains how great the car is. This polite actor lets the couple (also actors) sit in the car while they say things like:
“It’s so comfy!” and “I love it, I really do!” and then the polite actor says,
“Great! We’re having a sale! But hurry, this offer ends soon. Then, we’ll have ANOTHER sale!”
One time one of the potential buyers in a commercial opened the trunk and found fairies inside. She looked at the polite actor beside her and asked something like:
“What a beautiful fairy garden. Can I keep them?”
Psh. (Pretend you know how to pronounce that.) Everyone knows fairies aren’t free, Miss Idiot. But the polite actor just laughed an airheaded giggle. She is probably trying to figure out how the fairies got in there.

Okay, one more type of commercial I’d like to highlight. They call them “Paid Programming” on your TV guide, but everyone knows the definition of that is INFOMERCIAL.

“Hi, I’d like to tell you about the SnugglyBlender. This revolutionary machine is a technical breakthrough. Did I mention it’s revolutionary? Do you like to blend things? Do your children have bad dreams? Well, the SnugglyBlender can help with BOTH! First of all, it’s Snuggly! Your child will sleep with the blender every night! Call it a Teddy-Blender if you will, because blenders are more revolutionary than bears. Plus, you can blend things with it! Fruit! Veggies! Shoelaces! Tennis Balls! And the best part is, YOU can own this revolutionary breakthrough in technology for $19.99! A measly 19 dollars and 99 cents! Plus shipping and handling of course. That’s right! If you call in the next ten minutes we’ll double your offer! That’s right! Call in the next ten minutes and you can own TWO revolutionary SnugglyBlenders! But wait! There’s more! If you call now, we’ll include a pair of Snuggly-Oven-Mitts! For FREE! And of you call in the next ten minutes, we’ll TRIPLE your already doubled offer! SIX SnugglyBlenders and THREE free Snuggly-Oven-Mitts! FOR $19.99! But WAIT! It gets better! We’ll throw in Partridge in a Pear Tree for NO EXTRA CHARGE! If you call in the next ten minutes we’ll QUADRUPLE your previously tripled offer which used to be doubled and give you EIGHTEEN SnugglyBlenders, TWELVE Snuggly-Oven-Mitts, and FOUR partridges in pear trees! And it’s all revolutionary! But WAIT! There’s more!...”

So now you are banging your head on your keyboard groaning…

“MAKE IT END! MAKE THE MISERY END!”

Which I will of course. Thank you for reading my article. Good bye.

But WAIT! There’s more!

(Note: Nowalkia, the SnugglyBlenders, and the Snuggly-Oven-Mitts are made up names, so if there is a product named any of these things, it is purely a coincidence and not a copyright infringement.)