I never thought the first funeral I’d ever go to would be one of my best friends. The walk inside at the front of the church felt endless. My legs were weak, the sound of my heart thumping was in my head. I turned to see familiar faces. My friends. Her friends. They were gathered around her casket, getting one last look at her. It seemed weird not to see her smiling, like it wasn’t her. I thought I would cry, looking at all the notes and gifts sprawled across her, but there was nothing. I was dry and had no energy to try and find an ounce of emotion. Then there it was. The picture we took back when we were nine. I was still chubby faced and had hair down to my waist. She looked average and healthy like any other third grader. Little did we know the fate that would await her.

It feels like it was just yesterday when it was the first day of third grade and I was the new kid, scared out of my mind of what people would think of me. Then as the attendance was being taken, I suddenly didn’t have to worry because I wasn’t alone. I had Alyssa. She was the new kid too. So mutually we decided that we’d stick together. She was more outgoing, not as quiet as I was. I swear by the second week of school you wouldn’t have ever known she was the new kid on the block the way she got on with people. I remember her and my other friends begged me to do the school’s lip sync with them that year. I was never one to do things that I could possibly make a fool out of myself for, but eventually I came around with their persuasion. I used to look back on the pictures and videos laughing because of how ridiculous we looked, now I just stare because she’s not here to laugh at them hysterically with me. Alyssa helped me break out of my shell that year. Talk more, laugh a little, have fun. I can’t ever repay her for that.

I felt out of place sitting there in my seat wearing a black dress surrounded by a sea of others wearing her favorite colors green and purple for support. She would scream if she ever saw me wearing this. She’d never seen me dress up, but then again no one has. The service had begun while I was sitting next to my friends listening to her uncle play the trumpet. The sound traveled all across the room leaving people to just sit there and cry or listen. I looked over to see her parents. They were teary eyed, hand in hand. How do you move on as a parent when one of your kids have died? I didn’t want to think about about it. Instead I just watched person after person walk up there to talk about their memories and what an impact she had on them. Some of them I didn’t even know. Many talked about summer. I wish last summer could come back.

It was the summer before high school, her last one. We had a bonfire in the back of my other friend’s house and we sat there, listening. She was cancer free, her hair was growing back, and she was content, but she had a different sense about her. She was still smiling, but you could tell that there was more behind it. We sat there, looking at each other’s faces, red from the heat. The only thing that could be heard was the crackle of the fire and sizzle of the occasional throwing of candy into the flames. It felt right. That same night when we went in to sleep, we stayed up talking about how things have changed, how people have changed, and we wish they hadn’t.

The memory left my mind as people started standing up and heading for the doors. I walked out with my friends hand in hand and was given a green balloon. I turned to grab my jacket and saw the large picture of her staring up and smiling. Looking at it made me think of the last time I saw her. It was always after fifth hour that I saw Alyssa after she was re-diagnosed. She always greeted me with a smile and talked to me at my locker. The last time I saw her was after fifth hour. She was wearing a black sweater with bright sunflowers in the pattern and her usual Neff beanie. She looked at me and smiled and like that she was headed off to her next class. Now I stand outside in the bitter cold and wind waiting to let my balloon get carried away. I almost don’t want to let it go, but I had to, I have to let go, I have to move on. But as I move on she’ll always be a part of me no matter where I go.