Somehow I always thought it would be easier than this. As a person of faith, you’re always taught that it’s black or white, and how to handle it. It is not, however, always black or white. Sometimes it’s grey, and then what do you do? You do what you know to do, the way you know to do it, because there is no other way.

You’re taught to do what your parents say, unless it goes against God. They say that if it does, then don’t do it. That’s where the grey comes in. Sometimes it goes against him, but not doing what they say also goes against him. Then what do you do? When you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do you do?

I thought it would be easy to say no. Make a big scene, declare my flaming passion for Christ, and that would be that. But then life set in. I was asked to do something by my parents that was both illegal and against Christ. I couldn’t do it, because that’s wrong. But if I didn’t do it, my younger brother would be asked. It felt much worse to let my protection down on him like that and allow him to do such a thing. And then there was the other part: not doing it could jeopardize my mom’s health. All I could do was pray.

I didn’t know what to do, who to ask for advice. All I could do is pray. I couldn’t openly talk about it, because it was illegal. I was afraid. And my parents were counting on me to do what they asked. I was stuck behind a rock and a hard place. I finally decided that the only way to go was to do it. To do what my parents asked. Otherwise my baby brother was going to be asked, my young brother. He didn’t need to know how easy it is. I felt disgusting. My spirit felt gross, and I felt like a fake. A huge fake. Nothing felt right and I didn’t know how I was going to face my church, face my pastor, or even my youth group. Here I was, a youth leader who spoke words of wisdom, who trusted in God all of the time, and explained to my peers what God was saying in the Bible. And now I was completely unsure of what to do and I was out going against God’s word. How could I even face myself? I was a temporary mess.

I still don’t know how to face this. I don’t know how to face myself. And I’m scared. I admit it to anyone reading this. I am afraid. Law breaking is one thing; Ignoring God’s words is a whole other thing. It’s rough, and someday I hope that other people have more luck with the grey area than I have.