I'm sure you think I'm crazy, why would anyone love me? When it turns out you're not even talking about me; I'll be crushed but theres only so much I can do. You cause most of my smiles and a lot of my tears. My mom already loves you... but what lies ahead is a mystery, grab it while you can. I hate being this way; lovestruck shouldn't be a thing. What if I wrote about butterflies, not the bug but the feeling you give me. It happens to all of us.

It's a sad thing whem I wish I was always with him; not because I'm in love with him or anything, but because he brightens each and every day. I'm thinking way too much. But he gives me no choice, he brings her up a lot... unknowingly killing the little confidence I have. He probably doesnt even like me; welcome to my life. Which is funny to say because I am so excited for this year!

He definitely isn't making anything easy for me, I like you, I have made it obvious. For goodness sakes I held your hand on my birthday. And no high school drama is complete without a psycho ex-girlfriend, this girl is practically ruining everything; he doesn't like you anymore (get over it). I care about him, so much its scary. I can't analyze each and every thing he says to me, even though I want too. Driving me crazy, practically stealing my sanity. Out of ideas and my boy drama is at an all time high, I don't want to talk about it... I want to cry about it. I don't understand his thought process, what is he waiting for?

"Your always on my mind, I think about you all the time" (Lynch, Not a love Song). I wish he would tell me whether or not he likes me, everyone else is catching on though. It drives me crazy that a girl whos in love with him favorites and retweets all my tweets, twitter is a big deal now a days and i wish she would stop, and leave me alone.

I was friends with his sister first and he said "who cares, I have you now" so true. She told his mom we were dating, and his Mom's boyfriend questioned him about me. He was like so I heard you have a new girlfriend... I wish. I hope we date, I am filled with hope, seems to be useless hope. Luckily he said I could be his escort for Mr. Bengal and I am holding him to those words.

I drove all the way to Ocean County Park to cheer for him at a Cross Country Meet, Guess what I did.... I missed him run. Yes I like him, I know I like him, and he should know too.

Our friends have started betting on us, Someone said that at Homecoming we will get together and stay together until senior prom, like stop that would be perfect. His best friend said he was scared of breaking my heart, but he's breaking my heart right now.

We were talking about homecoming today and he said "What you really think I'm not going to ask you"? I have been writing about a boy who doesn't even have the nerve to ask me out. A girl thats in love with him is convinced he's not going to homecoming. Don't be silly, he's just not going with you. He has yet to ask me though, maybe he'll ask me on Saturday when we go to Six Flags.

He asked me to homecoming on Saturday (I must be psychic), my friends helped him make this gigantic plan to ask me on the top of the ferris wheel, but the plans fell through when we never rode the ferris wheel. But when we were alone I said "I can't do this anymore, I need to know how you feel" and he didn't anwser... Later on when we were alone again he said "Jess, I do like you" and then he asked me to homecoming. There was a lot of mumbles and extra words too but they weren't needed. He did say that he thinks I like him more than he likes me. What does that even mean? On the way home he played the song This is Me by Demi Lovato and grabbed my hand, it was perfect. "This is real This is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now" (This is me, Demi Lovato). We held hands the whole way home, while I fell asleep on his shoulder.

I feel like I'm not good enough, and he truly deserves the world. Whenever we are walking together he always runs ahead and opens the door for me, because he is such a gentlemen.

Last night my mom thought it was smart to tell me he would have asked me out by now if he really liked me. As if I wasn't emotional enough. Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe PDA isn't his thing but I'm convinced he just doesn't like me.

My heart is broken this four day weekend has mentally killed me. So much has happened I don't even know if I can elaborate without crying. I have cried so many tears for him and he doesn't even deserve them. The way this weekend turned out is bizzarre. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. "I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me" (Lola, LOL). We were never anything, maybe thats why it hurts so bad. He filled me with hope and took me down piece by piece. There was a party Thursday and we were both invited, like every other day I had to work. I didn't know if I wanted to go to the party after work or not because I didn't want to go if he wasn't going to know who I was; and he promised he would know who I was.

I can't express the pain I'm in. I want to talk to him so bad... without crying would be nice. I am so sad, not only did I potentially lose a friend but he was my best friend. I want to move on but I want him in my life, which is pathetic. I feel pathetic! My heart is broken, how can you break my heart? we didn't even date. I dislike him drunk and I hope I never meet drunk him again. A week ago I thought he was the best boy ever and now all I see are shattered pieces, replaying the party and him making out with girls. This is bringing me so much stress and I can't take it anymore. I have it stuck in my head that I need him in my life; but the reality is that I want him in my life. My absolute favorite was when Sam H told me I deserved better and he deserved to be eaten by a shark. (Awkward moment when Sam's best friend is the girl who made out with him). Everytime we talked that weekend he only said two words, "I'm Sorry" over and over. He asked me if I hated him any less and I said I don't hate you! I can't even look at him and smile; I wish I was over it. My misery is at an all time high.

And I was right, so much time has been wasted and the boy I like doesn't like me; I'd say I'm a mess. He told me, and it breaks my heart. Luckily his biggest concern was me, he doesn't want to hurt me. He has feelings for me, but they're not as strong as mine. Our friendship is more important to him; and I have to understand this. Like any other crush I will cry and get over it, because he is my best friend.

I like being able to tell that one person everything, and he's that person.

Every little thing is about him... I make everything relate to him. No wonder why everyones sick of me. What if he's just using me?
Life is a bumpy ride
causing comotion or
simply riding the tide

With too much emotion
and several
Broken Hearts

Hurting the ones he loves
In hope of rising above

Honestly I am over my life. I have a fear of ruining our friendship because I have feelings for him. I truly fell in love with our friendship but it breaks my heart knowing that he doesn't feel the same was about me. Lets be real, who can blame him? Look at me. Thinking about the party just makes me sad. People are actully judging me because I am still talking to him. I know I know he hurt me. I want to finish this journal very very very soon so I can forget about him. When I carry this book around I feel like I'm carrying all the words I was too scared to say. The words on these pages they are my fears, obsessions, heart breaks, love life, awkward moments, and everything in between. I am tired of all the girls that love him. Leave me alone.... he doesnt like me either.

I love how things are. I love having a guy best friend and I love calling him, I love talking for hours, and I love having someone I can tell everything too! Even after he let me down, I still want to be his friend. Im not sure if his feelings have grown, and honestly I wish mine didn't exist. I have cried so many tears and none of them were neccessary they felt needed at the time but looking back I feel ridiculous for all the teasrs I cried over him.Why am I so emotional?

If someone were to read this it'd be so embarrasing (especially since I didn't get the boy). He asked me to read my journal... Awkward. I told him he can't, but maybe he can one day. shhhhhh. I hate being friend zoned, I friend zone boys not the other way around!!I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all.

This weekend was bizarre, a girl I have never talked to trashed me on the internet. All because of him.... He called her sticking up for me, and asked her to stop saying things on the internet. I am so happy he stuck up for me! And I am so proud of him for being accepted to his dream school Ohio State.

I feel hopeless and useless and worthless, unloved, underappreciated, and broken. Why? The only person I want to talk to isn't anwsering the phone. So many good things have happened to me and he wouldn't know because he hasn't called back. He has no idea my average is a 197 or that I bowled a 257 in my tournament yesterday or that a college coach from New Hampshire came to Ocean Lanes trying to recruit me to Franklin Pierce. So many things I wish he knew, all the walls I wasn't able to break through..

I want to talk about my betrayal on the outside I have been fine but I am tired of putting on an act, he is dating one of my best friends. I haven't talked to him in so long and honestly I miss him. I miss our friendship! This is the suckiest situation I have ever been in because theres nothing I can do. I didn't just lose one friend, I lost two. This sucks everythings completely different, but luckily I finally have closure. He doesn't like me and I'm so happy all of my hope is gone; I can finally move one. Speaking of moving on there is a new boy in my life.

It hurts me to say I can't talk to him anymore, daily rituals transition to meaningless memories of the past. As I triedto talk to him today but it was so awkward; I wish it didn't have to be this way. I now know what betrayal feels like, it's like staring your best friends in the face.

You know whats annoying.... realizing he isn't worth it now. Have I mentioned the fact that I can't stand them together, it makes me so sad. I am a big kid living in the real world suffering from a pathetic heart break. This isn't your average heartbreak considering we never dated but he did fill me with hope to yultimately crush me.

"I used to be love drunk but now I'm hung over, nothings lasts forever- now its over" (Boys Like Girls, Love Drunk).