So just recently I saw my preschool teacher and he was so happy, as usual.  Because I felt so far from that emotion of joy on his face somehow broke me down. As the conversation continues he mentions his children which are both girls, and they went through their versions of hard times. See, growing into being the right type of woman is very essential for me. Not really knowing what a woman is suppose to be is the hard part. I hope that you can see the trouble I’m having here. His “babies” are 32 and 33 years old, doing just fine and he stressed to me how once I just take a big deep breath I’ll be fine too. I just had to fathom focusing on me. Myself you know? But how do you push everything else out the way, and not worry about it. Worrying is something I became very good at in the last couple of years. So breaking a bad habit will be a struggle. But right now in life, I’m more than ready to try. All of what I just said is happening in my head while the conversation continues; I’m constantly inside my own head. Tears start rolling down my face. He looks at me still smiling. As if he played a role in “The Grinch Stole Christmas” and he was a member of WhooVile. Just gazing a pond me like the tears were not there, he saw passed that. Not in a creepy way, I should add. But still he said nothing. The feeling I absorbed from this was that it was going to get better; things were going to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but soon. Such an uplifting feeling for someone as myself at a downing time like this. After coming to that satisfaction, I met another challenge. This was to pry myself from caring too much about people\things that did not care as for me. I’ve always been a “hard on myself type of person. So I thought that being hard on myself and caring so much for others was the perfect replacement for people caring for me. In all actuality it made it worst. Neglecting myself to protect others back fired on me a million times. But “how many burns are it going to take for me to get it”, I ask myself.  It’s insane that in those very short somber moments I got all of that. But I did. He goes on to mention seeing my aunt a couple weeks prior to seeing me today. Just finding out that my grandmother died, and this past October made two years she’s been gone. Being that I don’t speak about it on the day to day, it just brought me all the way back to when I first found out. Making my heart drop to floor and bounce right back up giving me a bit of shock. A few moments passed, and the only words that I could speak out were that I missed her so much. Bringing me right back to the point of sorrow I’ve worked two years to pass. Comprehension notary for those who are reading this. When I first lost my angel, I thought that saying, thinking, breathing, and living how much I really missed her would somehow bring her back. Although I know in reality it would never happen, I still had hope. You have to understand that I have never before lost someone as close to me as my grandmother. Yes, people have died that I’ve known but not my caretaker, not my guardian, not my other half, not my mom. She took a part of me with her when she passed. And all this time I spent being sad. I knew that it was my inner happiness that went with her to heaven that day.  See that’s the selfishness . i do not believe my happiness is gone forever form this point on. But i do believe that i do have to find it within myself regaurdless