I had a best friend once. We did everything together. We were together every weekend, we were always together at school, we went to Peru together, people called us the "inseperables." She was the sister that I never had. Then one day, I befriended the girl I'd been best friends with in kindergarten. She was in my photography class and we sat together. We grew incredibly close. I started drifting away from my best friend. I didn't realize that my new "best friend" was poisoning my thoughts. She would tell me that my best friend wasn't really a friend to me and that I should just stop being friends with her. I listened to her. It was the very beginning of summer vacation when I ended mine and my best friend's friendship. I spent the rest of the summer hanging out with my new best friend. We longboarded and hung out outside until the hot summer days faded into warm, sparkling nights. I laughed and smiled all summer. Whenever someone said something bad about my now ex-best friend I enthusiastically agreed with them. Everyone thought I was happy now that our friendship was over. They were wrong. They only saw what I let them see. Nobody knew that I missed the girl who was like a sister to me more than I'd ever missed anything in my life. They didn't see the tears that I cried every single night. I broke my own heart the night I let my best friend go. When school started again after that summer, it became clear that my new best friend was not who she claimed to be. She wasn't a friend to me. She found a new friend and ditched me at lunch day after day just to hang out with him. She spent all of her time with him on weekends instead of me. When he drifted away from her, she came back to me. She got me arrested as an accomplice to her shoplifting. A real friend wouldn't do that. I missed my ex-best friend more than ever. She never did things that would get us both into trouble. She didn't self-harm and leave me to worry that I would wake up and find out my best friend had committed suicide. She didn't force me to deal with my problems alone yet expect me to be there for her late at night when she needed someone to talk to. She was the exact opposite of my new best friend. I didn't have anyone else, though, so I remained best friends with this horrible girl. She sent me spiraling into depression. I firmly believe she's the reason my bipolar suddenly came to life. Mental disorders run in my family and it was only a matter of time before I was diagnosed with one. My new best friend was the reason I needed to be put on medication. She eventually found a new best friend and left me. It became quite clear to me at that point that she had just been using me. This new girl she had befriended would get her weed and alcohol- something that I absolutely would not do. Of course, she would never admit that she had only used me so she blamed me for our lost friendship. She gave me all of my clothes back and that was that. The door on that friendship had closed and I never looked back. Once she was out of my life, I was able to put things in perspective. I realized that my first best friend had been a true best friend to me. It was so stupid of me to walk away from her. I began writing her a letter trying to explain everything to her. It took me weeks and several attempts, but I finally wrote something decent. I found her on Facebook and sent her what I had written. It was the hardest, most terrifying thing I've ever done. Things ended well enough, though. We reconciled and became friends again. Of course, we're not best friends again. No, she has a new best friend. It's my fault. I walked away and allowed someone else to take my place. Our rekindled friendship is awkward. Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. I now know nothing about the girl who once told everything to me. It hurts. Every time I see posts about her and her best friend my heart physically aches. That should be me standing by her side through everything. If I'd never walked away, I wonder what we would be like today. Would we do everything in the world together? Would people still call us the inseperables? Would I be genuinely happy? I'll never know the answers to any of these questions and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I want nothing more than to have my best friend in the entire world back. I messed up and I know that nothing will ever be the same between us again. I have to grit my teeth through the pain as memories of how close we used to be drift through my mind every time I see her and her best friend. Maybe one day far in the future we'll be super close again. For now, though, I simply just have to fake a smile and be grateful for whatever friendship we have.