Dear Society,

Beads of sweat slowly drip down my face. My body curled up into a tiny ball, knees against my chest, my body losing all control. My breathing quickens, my heart is pounding, everything around me is gone. I can’t see anything, I can't hear anything, I can't feel anything; all my senses are dulled and the only thing I sense is myself. Tear stream down my face, I scream for help to escape, I scratch my neck to try to snap out of this attack. This is all I know, this is all I am, this is what society has done to me.

This attack happens to me everyday once those heavy doors of hell slam behind me, cutting me off from the world with no escape. Up and down the hallway there are tall, short, skinny, fat, young, old, loud, and quiet kids. They all talk to a friend of some sort; not worrying about much except maybe a math test or some forgotten homework. I slowly crawl my feet forward across the floor from the doorway into the stream of kids that are like a herd of cows being rounded up to slaughter. Shoulder to shoulder with strangers I squeeze my way through the crowd to enter the rambunctious lunchroom till the time of my demise arrives. The shrieking bell signals for me to leave the cafeteria and wander towards my first class. As i walk through the hallway i feel the walls closing in on me. I know there is no escape from this prison now. My heartbeat rises as i realize i am going to be chewed up and spit out and tortured and killed till the next day comes. The smell of burning rubber floods my nostrils as i sprint through C hall. I round the corner and see the long walk to my classroom as if I’m walking to my grave. The kids laughing and snickering as if they know today might be my last day.

It was officially confirmed I had anxiety in April of 10th grade. I sit on the examination table, the sound of paper crinkling under my body as i adjust myself into a semi comfortable position, and my mom sits on the hard black plastic chair across the room from me. The tense air all around us swirl though the room like a silent tornado waiting to strike major destruction. Finally the doctor walking in with the clicking of her black pumps across the linoleum tile floor. The white doctor lab coat loosely hangs on her shoulders, the silver and black stethoscope sways back and forth as she moves, she speaks as if this is a light matter but yet walks solemnly. The bombarding of questions between how i eat and sleep to how i feel in school and at home, but all i hear is mumbling and clicking of computer keys. After a while she finally confirms that i have mild to major anxiety and mild depression. My mothers should sink and her voice quivers for a second as the tornado strikes her in the heart. The doctor scribbles illegibly onto prescription paper some type of medication, wishes us luck, and leaves us in the room. My mother ushers me out of the office to the car and we drive home in silence.

I carry this anxiety on me like the bricks of books on my back in school. It weighs on my back and fills me chest. It enters my head and staples my feet to the ground. Some days I feel dead and some days I feel like I am surviving but one day I will live. Sometimes it swallows me but other days I swallow it. Without it I am nothing but with it I hate myself. I am empty and a drone without it but with it I am stressed and hateful. I will forever have to live with this anxiety but I will control it. This anxiety is me but I am not this anxiety.