We were supposed to have a conversation about everything ever that had happened between us over the last four years. It was a good idea, one of his few when it came to us. I had written up an itinerary for our conversation to make sure everything was covered. It was scheduled for Noon, but I had a feeling he would forget so at 11:53 I messaged him on Facebook “Do you want me to make coffee for our talk?”

I was going to make coffee regardless because I needed some for what was going to be a very long and emotional meeting for me. He read the message at 12:03 and replied. “Sorry! Completely forgot! Give me 10 minutes, and coffee would be great!” I wasn’t pleased that he had forgotten as I had been anticipating this all week so I could finally be done with it. I poured him a cup of coffee, added the amount of cream I knew he liked, and sat down, making sure the itinerary was in exactly the right order. When he arrived, he was wearing a pair of loose fit jeans, a brown shirt, and a lot of cologne.

“You smell very nice,” I said, pressing the coffee into his hand.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“So, I have our itinerary all written up,” I said, trying to break the ice.

“Of course you do. May I read it?” He asked.

“No, it’s for me, not you,” I said as I sat back down on my green couch, loving the feeling of finally being in control.

“Alright, well, shall we just get right into it?” I asked.

“Sounds good,” he replied.

“So, a couple of ground rules. This conversation isn’t going to be easy for me. I put up a lot of walls when I’m around you so that I don’t get hurt, and I’m about to try and tear a lot of them down, so I need you to pretend that you have emotions for like 45 minutes so that we can actually accomplish something…okay?” I said.

“Sounds good to me,” he replied.

“So, lets start at the beginning. We were really good friends, in fact you were the first real friend I had and that was nice,” I said.

“Yeah, I remember that, why did that stop?” He asked.

“Are you being serious?” I replied.

“Yes, when did it go to s***?” He responded.

“Well, it probably had something to do with that kiss,” I said.

“Oh, that’s right,” he said.

There was a flat line in the conversation for a moment.

“So yes, I kissed you while you were sleeping, but I was on very strong sleeping pills, and we’ve been over this. I think I have apologized a lot for this, but one final time. I’m sorry, and I still haven’t forgiven myself,” I said.

“Well I forgave you a long time ago,” he said.

“That would have been a good thing to tell me,” I replied.

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that,” he said laughing.

“Ok so then we tried to be friends for a while, and it was kind of a rollercoaster. The next big thing probably happened when I told you that I loved you,” I said.

“Yeah, over email,” he finished the sentence for me.

“Would it have made a difference if I had done it in person?” I said.

“No probably not,” he said.

“Alright, so that sucked,” I told him.

“Ok, so where are we on that now?” He asked me.

“Well, have I explained the difference between in love and love yet?” I asked him.

“No, I don’t think so,” he replied.

“Well, I love you, like I care about you a lot and you are very important to me, but I am no longer in love with you,” I said.

“I think I can deal with that,” he replied.

“Ok, well I guess that’s a lot of the past taken care of, do you have anything you want to say about it?” I asked.

“Uhm, I guess I really just want to say that I know you loved me, and that it’s not that you aren’t a cool person, I’m just not into guys,” he said.

“Thank you, that’s good to know,” I replied.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not you it’s…” I cut him off.

“You’re not allowed to say what you are about to say,” I told him.

“What was I about to say?” He asked me.

“It’s not you it’s me,” I finished for him.

“Okay, but it’s true,” he said.

“I don’t care, you’re still not allowed to say it,” I said.

“Okay,” he said.

“Alright, I guess all there is left to decide is what do we want to do next?” I said.

“Well, because of all of this stuff that has happened, we really don’t know each other very well anymore,” he said.

“Yeah, I would really like to get to know you before we graduate in a month and a half,” I replied.

“And we are about to go on this month long service trip to Bolivia and everything,” he said.

“Well then why don’t we let that be the plan?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?” He said.

“Why don’t we spend the next couple weeks trying to get to know each other,” I explained.

“Sounds good to me,” he said.

We sat there for another hour and just talked about our lives, and for the first time I felt like things were actually resolved. Before we left, I gave him a hug, and even when I tried to pull away, he held me there for a few more seconds. The conversation ended up being painless and something we should have done years earlier, but we left that day with a plan that we both felt comfortable with, and I was so happy for that.