We’ve all experienced unrequited love. We all know how painful it is. We’ve all argued with ourselves about our feelings, and felt them anyway, but tinged with sorrow. When the feeling isn’t mutual, it stings. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. It’s embarrassing.

And we never consider it from the perspective of the one who didn’t like us back. Our friends label them as stupid or blind or not good enough for us anyway. We pretend those remarks don’t jab as much as the rejection itself. I never considered how it was for the other side. Until I was the other side.

I always assumed that the crushee had the easy job. They lived life in all their glory, basking in the affection of others, unconcerned with anyone else’s feelings. They didn’t deal with the emotion, they just doled out judgment. Harsh. Uncaring. Villainous. I wish that I could be so heartless. I wish this had been as easy. Turns out, unrequited love is messy and painful, on both sides of the coin.

I’ve known Louis* for a few years now. We became friends over the past summer. He’s great. Louis is sweet, and caring, and interesting, and a million other amazing things. He’s artistic, too. A total package.

He finally asked me out on a date a few weeks ago. He caught me totally off guard. I mean, yeah, I’d wanted him to ask me out. I wasn’t crushing on him, but who wouldn’t want to go on a date with a guy like Louis? He was everything I should want in a boyfriend. He asked me in person, too, which surprised me. I agreed to go out with him. We’ve gone on a couple of dates now, I have no idea how to tell him that I don’t feel any chemistry at all between us. Sure, we have a good time. But no butterflies, no nerves, no heart flutters; just a whole bunch of nothing.

All of our friends are involved. Everyone knows. Everyone is rooting for us. Everyone except me.

Yeah, I feel horrible. I feel harsh and uncaring and villainous. I feel awful. I feel like just giving him a shot was leading him on. I’m blaming myself, even though I can’t help how I feel. If I could will feelings into existence, I would be half in love with Louis already.

I’m no expert in love. I’m figuring all this out as I go along. Being on this side of love sucks just as much as the other. Ending a relationship before it even starts feels wrong, but letting this relationship develop one-sided feels even worse.

I think that next time me or a friend gets rejected, I’ll be more understanding of the other person. I won’t label them blind or stupid, I’ll label them human. I’ll understand what they sacrificed to spare a heart. I’ll understand the pain on both sided of unrequited love. 

*Name’s changed for the sake of privacy.