Growing up, I had never been told that I should attend college after graduating high school. In fact, I had never even thought of college being a reality until two years ago. I grew up in a very small church environment, and as a child it was natural for me to tune out during services. Once I was older and began to really listen to what was going on, I was surprised to find that college was a pretty popular topic in Bible Study. According to the pastor and most church members, higher education was quite acceptable and strongly encouraged- for boys. The general consensus was that a female’s place was living in her father’s home until marriage, then cooking, cleaning, and bearing children for her husband. While they didn’t ban girls from going to college, they strongly advised against it. They assured the congregation that females were intelligent but believed that men and women weren’t made to be equal. They assumed that if attending college, young ladies would easily be swayed away from Jesus. Something sparked within me then, and hardly anyone knew that a match had just been lit inside of my spirit.

I wanted to go to college, but I didn’t know how hard I was going to have to struggle to get there. Although my school brought in several university representatives to speak with the upperclassmen, we didn’t have academic counselors, and I didn’t have anyone to discuss college with. Each time I tried to bring it up with my mother, I was quickly shut down. Therefore, on my own, I selected the three schools to which I would apply. After a lot of hassling between my principal and my parents, I finally was able to take the SAT. Thankfully, CollegeBoard supplied me with application fee waivers, making it possible for me to apply to schools without the support of my parental unit.
 

Only after I began to get accepted to colleges did my parents- or my mother, and my father speaking through her-  want to get involved. Alas, all the things I’d heard in church were true. If I attended school in Boston, I would not have a home to return to. If I attended school in Savannah, I would not have a home to return to. I could not attend a school in Manhattan because I would not be permitted to ride the train there. Devastated, I concluded that I would not be attending college for a while. At that point, I had let my spirit get damaged. I had let my flame get watered on. Then, there was a soft buzzing sound- a text message coming in. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but this is what it sounded like: “Hey, Munchkin, so what’s the plan? Are you going to go out there and show the world how much potential you have? Are you going to go out there and make me proud?” My big brother, with his can of oil, would not let my fire go out.

It took longer than expected. Even after I had found a school that my parents couldn’t complain about- I would be taking classes online, I would not be taking the train, I would not be in a situation where I could be swayed any farther away from Jesus than I already am- they still took their slow, sweet time with providing me the information needed to apply for financial aid. I’m certain my father enjoyed causing me to start classes a few months later than I’d wanted to, but I guess he doesn’t realize that he can’t make me behind when I’m already ahead. It gives me great happiness to know that despite my previous struggles, my fire is burning brighter than ever before. 

The first thing that motivated me to actually start college was my big brother. Though I’d wanted to attend, I allowed obstacles and seemingly insurmountable obstructions to stop my drive. My brother has always been my supporter, and his belief in me, and my desire to make him proud, were very powerful motivators. Recently, I’ve been keeping secrets from him so that I can give him great surprises in the end. Throughout my senior year, he would constantly ask me how many books I had left to complete. “Ugh, so much Physics,” I would moan, “I’m never going to finish!” Then, a couple of weeks later, I was calling him on my birthday, saying, “Hey, guess what! I’m done.” His shock makes me laugh hard, and I love to hear the pride swelling in his voice. I’m never going to forget the day of my high school graduation when he found out that I was the valedictorian. Now that was a secret worth keeping! The goal of making my eldest brother proud is a constant motivator, and it was the first thing that motivated me to begin college.

My second motivation to begin college may seem negative to some, but produced positive results for me. I want to be able to wave a college degree in my father’s face and say, “I told you I could do it.” This most likely will not happen because I don’t feel that great of a need to prove him wrong him anymore, but it will make me happy to know I did something he said I couldn’t. When I was a little girl, my father tried to show me how to fix a computer. No, I couldn’t do it, and he told me that my brains were fried. When I was twelve, I said that I wanted to be an artist, and he laughed and told me I would be a starving artist. Whenever I have tried to do anything big, he told me plainly that I could not do it. In time, I will do everything he said I could not. College is just one of those things. Thanks, ‘Dad’, for motivating me.

My third initial motivation may seem funny but is quite serious. When I grow up, I want to be a well-known author like Sarah Dessen or Jodi Picoult. My mother says that I do not need to attend college to be a great writer, but I don’t want to be a great writer. I want to be one of the best writers. I want to be taught in English classes right along with Laurie Halse Andersen (Speak) and Lois Lowry (The Giver). I know that is a great feat to accomplish, but I like setting high goals. If I want to be one of the best, I have to know my subject. I have to learn how to write like the best. I don’t want to be average or mediocre, and that’s where college comes in. I love to learn, and I can’t wait to learn more about my very favorite subject.

I realize that as I get older, my motivations may change. Although I am certain the motivation to make my brother proud will not change, I also will have other motivations to keep me going and to graduate. One motivation I have is to make myself proud. I’ve been called an ‘overachiever’ and a ‘perfectionist’. Actually, on my graduation day, my brother stood on the podium and embarrassed me. He said, “She reaches beyond the stars. If she’s aiming for a 100%, and she scores a 97%, she will sit down and cry. I tell her, ‘Look, look how far you’ve come’, and she’ll say, ‘No, I didn’t get a 100. I didn’t do good enough’.” Maybe I am a little hard on myself, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I strive to reach my goals, and making myself proud is a motivator that will keep me going to graduate.

A second motivator for me is the fact that I have so many people following me. It’s a little unnerving, but mostly I feel proud that my little siblings like to follow me. I always knew that they liked to be annoying and copy everything I did, but I didn’t realize they would follow the things I do on a regular basis. Too often I hear, “Tali said...” or “Tali did...” Knowing I am someone they look up to gives me a greater sense of responsibility. A teacher at my little brother’s school- my former school- informed me that he’s telling everyone, “I’m going to be the next Talitha.” It shocked me to hear that, and I know I need to set a good example for him by staying in school until the end. I’ll bet my little brothers and sisters have no clue that they are motivating me to move onward.

My independence is something else that will motivate me to keep going through college and to graduate. As soon as I possibly can, I will be moving out of my parents’ house and into my own place. I need to be in a position where I am fully capable of taking care of myself- physically, mentally, financially- and finishing college will empower me to do so. I’m sure I can find employment without having a college degree, but in order to obtain a good job, one that isn’t beneath my capabilities, I believe it is critical for me to have my degree. I never want to be a burden or to have to depend excessively on anyone else. It’s okay to need help, but I want to make sure that I have done all I can to help myself first. Just thinking about the seriousness of my future- and the need for independence- will propel me to keep going and to graduate college.

My plan to stay motivated is simple. At times when I am feeling discouraged, or when I feel like giving up, I will reread this paper. While it doesn’t contain all of my motivations, this paper holds the motivations that are most important to me. Feelings of doubt and discouragement are inevitable, but I will be prepared to battle them. All I need to do is remind myself of where I came from. I will force myself to stop and think of the struggles I’ve been through in my life, the struggles I’ve faced before beginning college, and the struggles I face on a daily basis. It’s okay to take a break, but it’s not okay to give up. I have to remember that I want to make my big brother proud. I have to remember that I want to make myself proud. I have to remember that my little brothers and sisters are watching my footsteps. I have to remember that I am a warrior, and I do not give up. All I have to do is take one assignment at a time. I will stay motivated because, in the end, it will be worth it.