My Dad tapped my shoulder and my eyes fluttered open. He was half sitting on the edge of the bed; I could feel his weight lower the bed and the right side of my body. He looked at me, and I felt his concern rain down. I closed my eyes just to be visually removed from the moment. He told me where I was going and that he’d once been at the same place, but his sympathetic words I heard didn’t feel true.

Listening though, is more than hearing, and if I was looking into his eyes the words might’ve permeated into my 14 year old brain.

I put on clothes. I didn’t bother to wash my hair or my face, but my mom made me brush my teeth. I should be doing a lot of talking in the next couple hours. I didn’t look like I would be doing any changing that day, and the person I’d talk with never smelled much of my fresh, minty breath.

Words the world uses to describe the kid I was are everything but positive. And the older I got, the more I heard them. I embodied them more and more every day.

Ingrate.
Self-centered.
Disappointment.

I was a privileged suburban kid. Teachers called me smart, but lazy. Saying I wasn’t living up to my potential felt like an understatement, even though there is no measurement attached to that term. My parents tried to help me as much as they could, but they couldn’t. I needed to help myself. You truly can’t fix anything that doesn’t want to fixed.

If I had a nickel every time I heard a comeback story, I wouldn’t have needed to change my attitude toward school. I wouldn’t need a college education. However, I didn’t always have a nickel and I only once got the inspiration they’re intended to conjure up. We all hear the comeback stories, but words never truly capture the difficulty of a comeback. I know how difficult a comeback is. Maybe not from an oppressive environment, but toxic thoughts and emotions. It bled into every part of my life. Staining what I enjoyed and taking my passion away. It took 5 years of my teenage life from me. Years I should’ve spent in happiness, but I was too scared to help myself. Now that I’ve faced that fear, my life is lived with tomorrow in mind. I even talked to a professional, something I never thought I would do only 3 years ago.

Things change. We all have the capability to be happy; we just need to help ourselves.