As a human being in modern society, more likely than not, you will have a job. With it, you will probably be working many hours a week. People say that a “normal” workweek is supposed to be forty hours. Nowadays, people are easily surpassing that number, frequently by double. Working more than eight hours a day is horrific. The forty-hour workweek seems to be long gone. Let’s be real; work sucks. After years of research and testing, I have developed the perfect guide to help you stop working—in just one week!

Monday

So you wake up at six in the morning. You pick up your phone, and proceed to browse email and check Facebook statuses for the next thirty minutes. You’re frustrated because it’s Monday, which means you have to go to work. You wiggle out of bed and get ready–but wait! You don’t need to work today. Just go back to bed and nothing can go wrong. After all, nothing really matters. One day of skipping work won’t hurt. Easy, right?

Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. Will I tell you to skip another day of work? Nah, we have bigger plans today. You go to work because you signed a contract. Let’s change that. Go to work today, but make sure to take cyanide with you to poison people’s coffee. Get into the manager’s office and put some of that beautiful chemical into his or her drink too. It’s a foolproof plan. You know what’ll happen after you do this? You’ll get a couple days off as the police try to figure out what’s happened.

Wednesday

You’re frustrated because you realize the plan you’ve executed won’t have lasting effects. You’ll get a couple days off work, but as soon as they replace that dreaded manager and clean that workplace up, you will go right back, assuming that the police haven’t arrested you (no way that would happen; you executed the plan perfectly… I hope). It’s time to galvanize others to do the same. There are many people around the world fed up with long work hours, just like you. You need to show them that change is possible if we are willing to make it happen. I know it seems like more work, but it will pay off. I promise. Start a social media campaign and convince people to take action against their own workplaces. Watch what happens.

Thursday

The speed of the internet enabled you to see the change that you hoped for in less than twenty-four hours. Phenomenal! Running a successful social media campaign is tough, but with you, anything is possible. With the momentum you’ve gained, it’s time to push for more change. Want less work? Why not get rid of work altogether! It’s time for the next stage in your plan to end work around the world. Nuke the planet. Build yourself a couple of nukes and launch them around the world. That campaign you created yesterday? Convince others to do the same. You didn’t even need to start World War III because the world as you know it has already been destroyed. So much for work. There is none left for you since most of human civilization has been demolished.

Friday

With a couple survivors remaining, you realize that getting rid of work has trashed the planet. The animals are dying, the sun is clouded, and the people are disappearing. But this is what you’ve always been looking for. A life without work. A life of happiness. It’s the best feeling in the world. Savor it. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your last moments of glory before the radiation poisoning kills you. In just one week, you’ve solved the world’s problems by eliminating them, and have removed all work from your life.

Congratulations!