I don’t remember much of what happened.
I just remember crossing the street.
I know the green light was meant for me to cross.
They must not have seen it.
That’s when it all went dark.
There was no pain, not even for a minute.

It all went dark for a while., it felt like forever.
But between one moment and another, I could see.
It wasn’t the same as living, I just felt empty.
But I could see people surrounding me and bright flashing lights coming to carry me away.

Except it wasn’t really me anymore was it?
It was my face.
My body.
But it just wasn’t me.
I wasn’t the one laying on the ground.
I was the one watching from above, wondering why they were carrying away the old me.I remember when my family showed up.

I’ve never seen a group of people look so distraught.
I thought it was my fault they were like that.
I could see them all surrounding the bed.
Planning what to do with the old me.
I tried to tell them I was sorry.
But they wouldn’t listen.

A few days later was the funeral.
I watched friends and family surround the old me.
They seemed so sad.
I know it was my fault.
But why are they the ones saying sorry?
I didn’t want to make them suffer like this.
But they wouldn’t hear my apologies.

I used to think weddings were so similar to funerals.
People dress up.
They cry.
Prayers are said.
Vows are made.

But watching them made me realize how different it truly is.
The people dress differently.
They cry different tears.
Different prayers are said.
Different vows are made.

I remember being amazed at how much black there was.
There was now a single splash of color amongst the crowd.
It was all so dark.
And they all seemed so sad.

I remember watching everyone cry.
But these weren’t the tears of joy you see at a wedding.
They were the tears of sadness.
The tears of grief.
I have never seen a crowd of people look so sad.

I remember watching everyone bow their heads.
I couldn’t believe it was all for me.
I watched as person by person choked through a prayer.
As if they couldn’t finish fast enough.

I remember when everyone came up to the box the old me was inside, one by one.
They each seemed to say something different, except for one thing.
They were all sorry.
Sorry I had to go.
Sorry it had to end like it did.
Sorry they didn’t tell me they loved me often.
Then it was my brother’s turn.
I remember he tried to hide his tears.
But when he talked to me he couldn’t stop them.
They poured down his face as he made promises to me.
He promised to do better.
He promised to take the advice I had always given him.
He promised to live for me.
He promised to find who had done it.
And most of all.
He promised he had always loved me.

I remember everyone leaving after they buried me.
They left in groups.
Some were still crying.
Some acted like it had never happened.
But they all left, changed in some way.

My family was the last to leave.
They stayed for hours.
Talking to me.
Giving me flowers.
Apologizing.

I still didn’t know why they were so sorry.
I tried to ask.
Tried to tell them I didn’t mean for it to happen.
But after a while they left me., leaving the old me alone.

That was when it all went dark again.
Almost as if I had seen all I needed to see.
Soon the darkness turned into a road.
I had nothing else to do so I walked it.
It reminded me of something.
But I couldn’t place it at the time.

I remember stopping when I saw the road split.
One side was bright.
One side was dark.
One side seemed peaceful.
One side seemed like a never-ending war.
In the middle of these two roads sat a bench.

I remember first seeing the bench.
I was so confused when I saw the figure sitting on it.
I didn’t recognize them.
And they didn’t have any clear features.
But the figure turned to me and invited me to sit.

I remember Death greeted me like an old friend.
He told me he had watched me like he had watched nobody else.
I was special.

I remember Death looked sad, like everyone at the funeral had.
I told him I was sorry, wishing I could say the same to the others.
Death told me I had come to him too early.
He told me that it was the saddest thing.
He told me I had had a life ahead of me.
He told me I had missed out on a lot.
He told me I should miss my life, that it was a shame I didn’t get to finish it.

I remember trying to explain it to him.
You couldn’t miss something you never truly had.
You couldn’t miss a life you were never happy in.
You couldn’t miss a life that you never really wanted.

I remember Death looked sad when I told him this.
He told me I should get a second chance.
He told me I deserved better.
But he didn't get it.
You can’t truly get a second chance.
There is only one true chance.
Once you get past the first chance it will always be there.
Whatever happened that messed it up will always be there.
It still happened, even if you got a second chance.

I remember Death seemed to have a tear in his eye when he finally looked me in the eye.
He said he wouldn’t argue with me.
He gave me a choice.
He told me I could go see the others I knew who he had already talked to.
The ones who chose to exist blissfully in a bright and colorful land.
Or.
I could join him, in a darker land.
I could meet with others like me.
Others who deserved better than what they were given.
Others who didn’t believe in second chances.

I remember thinking about my choice for a long moment.
I didn’t know what to choose.
I knew my family wanted me to be with them in a bright and happy land.
But I also knew they’d want me to be with others like me.
I thought for a long time.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I finally chose.
It could have been an eternity.

I remember looking at Death, a smile on my face.
I told him I wanted neither.
I told him I wanted an eternal friend.
I wanted someone who understood.
I wanted to stay with Death.
I wanted company Death.

I remember Death looked surprised.
He said he had never been asked to be someone’s friend before.
He said he’d never had help with his dreadful job.

I remember looking up at Death with hope in my eyes.
I remember when Death finally said yes.
I remember the first time I was truly happy.