Chapter Two-Trapped

Chocolate brown eyes, they were hollow, they were bleak, they were lifeless as they stared into my hazel ones; fresh crimson blood dripped down his discolored face, creating a small puddle on the dashboard. The smell of burning chemicals and coolant filled the closed space of my brother's sedan as I struggled to breath, the intoxicating smells filling my nostrils as I tried to force myself to look away from his chocolate brown eyes. I kept waiting for him to blink, for him to be okay even though his head was through a windshield. Finding the courage to break away from his dead gaze I turned my attention towards my brother, his head leaning against the cracked window; dark crimson blood covered his ear as well as some of his hair, giving it a dark red tint.

“Reed?”  Struggling to unbuckle my seatbelt I felt the blood drip down my forehead, the red liquid mixing in with my tears as they rolled down my chin; after giving up with the seatbelt I reached out to Reed, my crimson stained hand roughly pushing his shoulder in an attempt to move him.Reed's head slumped against his chest lazily rolling onto his shoulder, his silver gray eye boring into my hazel ones; life still in them.

"We're going to die aren't we Jo?" His words frightened me because they might be true, we might die but then again we might not; I hope we don't. After many failed attempts I stopped trying to unbuckle my seatbelt, instead I reached for Reed's hand squeezing it tightly and not letting go.

"No..we're going to be okay." I could see the life draining from his silver gray eye, that's when I noticed his wound; a large shard of metal was stuck in his left eye and it was bleeding heavily, the dark crimson blood gushing down his face. Tears and blood dripped down my chin as I felt his grip loosening, gripping Reed's hand tighter the sirens drowning out my sobs as I felt myself going deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. When I slowly regained consciousness as well as my vision I let out a loud scream, I was in Reed’s sedan still the smell of burning chemicals filling my nostrils. ‘Hey Jo calm down everything is okay.’  Reed spoke as I struggled to unbuckle my seatbelt, sobs escaping my lips as heard her voice again; anger dripping from her words as she spoke. ‘Reed no, she is not okay I’m asking you to give me complete access to her conscious again. You’re not helping her.’  

“Can both of you please get out of my head?! Reed just please take me back. Please.” I practically begged as Reed let out a sigh, his body abnormally jumped and shook as his silver gray eye bore into my hazel ones; tears rolled down my cheeks and chin as I concentrated on the gunmetal blue specks floating around his iris. ‘Are you happy now Mira?’ I didn’t realize she had a name I never even considered asking her if she even had a name, when she first started speaking to me I was terrified I hated her for years; now I consider her a best friend.

“Jocelyn?!” Micah’s voice brought me back to reality as I started to panic, my breathing getting heavier as warm tears stained my cheeks Micah quickly pulled me against his chest I sobbed into his scrubs as I inhaled his scent; he smelled of cigarettes and expensive cologne.

“I...I smelt the chemicals…I still do...” My words struggled to leave my lips as I continued to sob profusely,

“Shhh it’s okay calm down Jocelyn.” He spoke while soothingly rubbing my back, running his fingers through my hair with his other hand in an attempt to calm me down; my breathing slowly returned back to normal as Micah still held onto me.

“You had a flashback people get them all the time it’s normal, I promise.” His words comforted me as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, staring into my hazel eyes as he flashed me a toothy and lopsided smile; reminding me of Reed. ‘Jocelyn no, stop it you’re not catching feelings for anyone remotely similar to me.’  Reed yelled at me I saw his angry face through my eyelids as I blinked, his face was red and his brows furrowed out of irritation. ‘Reed please shut up before I kick you out of her conscious, just please shut up.’ Mira snapped as my father walked into the room, a cup holder and a bag of food in his other hand; I rolled my eyes as the both of them bickered. ‘Why was this an option again?’ I questioned as Micah quickly moved away from me, running a hand through his hair as I felt him staring at me.

“Hey kiddo, I’m surprised you didn’t end up falling asleep you’ve had a rough day.” My father spoke as he turned around to face me a smile stretching onto his lips once he saw me, they formed into a straight line as he noticed Micah.

“I didn’t know you were joining us, I got enough food for me and Jo I’m sorry.” Micah shrugged as he crossed his arms over his chest, a grin stretching onto his lips.

“It’s alright Mr. Moore you can go home if you’d like I’m monitoring Jocelyn tonight, Perkins wanted to admit her to psych but I persuaded him not to.” Micah explained as he glanced at my father who simply nodded in response, the smell of the Chinese food making my stomach growl which caused us all to laugh.

“Will you be okay without me Jo?” My Dad asked as he opened one of the bags and handed me a black bowl full of orange chicken and fried rice along with a pair of chopsticks.

“I have another babysitter but I’ll be fine.” I said through a mouth full of food as I stared at my father, a soft chuckle leaving his lips.

“Will you be okay at home?” The question hung in the air as my father scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, I regret asking it as soon as I finished my sentence tension quickly filling the room; the air getting thicker every minute. My father awkwardly cleared his throat as he grabbed his coat quickly slipping it on, his lips quivering as he tried to speak yet quickly stopped himself, Micah cleared his throat as well as he glanced at me.

“I’ll be back tomorrow okay?” My father softly spoke as he took a few strides towards my bedside and kissed my forehead gently.

“Love you Dad.” I softly spoke as I smiled slightly making my father force a smile onto his lips as well, it was shaky and only lasted for a few seconds as his lips formed back into a straight line.

“I love you too kiddo.” He spoke his voice sounding broken as the words slowly left his lips, he’s afraid to lose me I know he is but that won’t happen. ‘Reed while you’re in there will I still be able to see you like I did this morning?’ I asked as I watched my father leave a few tears trickling down my cheeks as I waited for Reed’s answer, I felt Micah staring at me as I watched my father leave the room leaving Micah and I alone. ‘You can see this nuisance whenever .’ Mira answered my question for me as I played with the hem of my hospital gown, a few tears trickling down my cheeks.

“I broke my own father, he raised me for f’s sake.” Micah took a bite out of his chow mein as he sat on the right side of my bed now, his rubbed my knee gently with his free hand.

“Hey Jocelyn your father isn’t broken, he’s just hurting.” He spoke through mouthfuls of food as he rubbed my thigh slightly, he looked at me as a lopsided toothy smile formed on his lips; I caught myself smiling back at him too.

“No he’s broken I’ve never seen him like this, his eyes don’t hold any emotion, he can barely smile and whenever he does he cries.” I quietly spoke while taking a bite of my food, the orange chicken making me sigh in content; a smile forming on my lips as I remembered what real food tastes like. Micah smiled at me while he took another bite of his chow mein, the smile reaching his silver gray eyes I ignored Reed’s complaints as I got lost staring into the gunmetal blue specks floating around in his irises.

‘Jo stop it, he’s a nurse and you’re a patient.’  Suddenly Micah pressed his lips against mine, a smile forming on my lips as he cupped my face with his left hand his tongue exploring my mouth as I placed one hand on his chest; my heart monitor increasing by the minute. ‘Oh god Jo stop it!’ Reed started yelling at me as we continued to passionately make out a soft moan leaving my lips as his fingers ran through my hair, his lips were so gentle as well as his touch; almost as if he was afraid he would break me.

“Hello Jocelyn I-” Dr. Perkins dropped his clipboard onto the floor as Micah pulled away from me, he was out of breath as he adjusted his scrubs.

“McCoy meet me in my office now!” Dr. Perkins bellowed as his face turning red with every passing second, his eyebrows furrowing in anger and the vein on his forehead was exposed and heavily throbbing. Micah gave me a saddened look as he got to his feet running a hand through his hair as he followed Dr. Perkins out of my hospital room. ‘What have I done?’ Picking at my fingernails I got more anxious as the minutes passed, blood trickled down my fingers as I sat there picking at them as tears trickled down my cheeks.

“Jo it’s going to be okay I promise.” Reed tried reassuring me as he placed a blood stained hand on my shoulder squeezing it tightly as his silver gray eye met my hazel ones, I immediately looked away as the thought of Micah’s lips against mine ran through my mind.

“He could lose his job because of me Reed! It’s  not going to be okay, nothing is f'ing okay anymore!” I yelled at Reed as I continued to pick at my fingernails, staining my fingertips with my own blood as I did so a few tears staining my cheeks and chin as well. ‘Jocelyn listen-’

“Mira not now okay?! Can the both of you just leave me alone! I don’t want anything to f'ing do with you guys,  you’re just making everything worse anyways!” Suddenly everything was silent within my mind, no more Mira, no more Reed only silence; it upset me somehow, I felt as though I was truly alone, and that scares me.

“Wait! Come back, please!.” I begged as I started sobbing as I sat in my hospital bed, warm tears running down my cheeks as I only hear my multiple monitors beeping, my heart rate increasing as I got more anxious.

“Reed? Mira?” I sputtered in between sobs as I gently rocked back and forth, Micah barged into the room his face was red, his eyebrows furrowed, his knuckles white.

“Jo-Hey..Hey what’s wrong?” His voice was calm and gentle as he wrapped his arms around me, his fingers running through my hair.

“I told them to leave..I got you in trouble..I’m sorry..” The words left my lips in a quick and confusing jumble in between sobs as Micah tightly held me whispering in my ear softly as I rested my head against his chest.

“You’re going to be okay Jo, I’m here for you.” Micah soothingly rubbed my back as he continued to hold me, his touch was rough yet gentle at the same time it comforted as I continued to sob. ‘Reed? Mira?’ I didn’t get a response which made me cry even harder, my entire body convulsing in Micah’s arms yet he didn’t let me go.

“Hey Jo look at me please?” He asked while he grabbed my chin making me look into his silver gray eyes, wiping a few tears with his thumb.

“They’re gone and they aren’t coming back.” I softly spoke as I crashed my lips against his, tears continuing to run down my face as I wrap my arms around Micah’s neck gently tugging on his hair; his tongue exploring my mouth causing me to let out a soft moan. My heart monitor started beeping more frequently and at a louder pitch as our lips moved perfectly in sync, a chuckle leaving Micah’s lips as he pulled away from me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I’m on probation until further notice and I’m not even supposed to be here right now but I want to be. Listen Jocelyn, I like you and I want to make something out of us.” Micah explained, a toothy and lopsided smile stretching onto his lips.

“You have the same colored eyes as my older brother. You smile just like he does. You remind me of Reed so much and because of that I..I’m not sure I want that for you, I hurt you Micah. I hurt you because I saw him.” I quietly spoke my words barely above a whisper as I picked at my fingernails chipping away at the dried blood on my fingertips.

“Jo stop hurting yourself!” Micah harshly said while grabbing my wrist and dragging me towards the bathroom, his grip making me wince a bit and he turned on the tap; the warm water rushing from the faucet. Shoving my hands under the water Micah gently scrubbed them the warm water and milk honey scented soap cascading over my hands, blood mixing in with the water and soap as he washed my hands I watched as it swirled down the drain.

“I..I’m sorry.” I muttered softly as Micah gently dried my hands with a white rag the cotton material feeling nice as it came in contact with my skin, a small smile stretching onto my lips.

“Hey it’s okay Jo, you’re okay.” Micah reassured me while he gently kissed my forehead letting it linger a bit before he pulled away, blush creeping onto my tear stained cheeks. Placing his hand in mine Micah led me back to my hospital bed, I climbed back onto the stiff mattress and laid on my back; just staring at the ceiling.

“He’s gone..He’s not coming back..” I quietly spoke more to myself really as I placed my hands on my stomach squeezing my sides gently, slightly digging my nails into my skin I felt Micah’s eyes on me.

“I could cost your job. I could hurt you again. I don’t want to do either of those things.” I spoke while continuing to stare at the ceiling, blinking every few seconds focusing on my breathing.

“You’re not going to do any of that Jo.” Micah assured me as he took in a mouthful of chow mein, a few of the noodles falling onto his lap as I broke my gaze from the ceiling meeting his silver gray eyes; getting lost in them as I focused on the gunmetal blue specks float around his irises. ‘Please just f him already.’  Reed commented which surprised me, a few tears rolling down my cheeks as he softly chuckled. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t realize we were making things worse for you.’ Mira snarled as I softly smiled at Micah, the smile not fully reaching my eyes.

“Why don’t you try and get some sleep Jo, I’ll be here when you wake up I’m not going anywhere.” His words were comforting as I positioned myself in the stiff hospital bed in order to get more comfortable, carefully laying on my side. ‘He’s seriously staying in here?’  ‘He’s monitoring me, he volunteered to so they don’t send me to psych.’ Reed didn’t further question me as I tried to sleep feeling Micah’s eyes boring into my back, a slight smile stretching onto my lips as I carefully rolled over my hazel orbs meeting his silver gray ones.

“I can’t sleep with you staring at me all night.” Micah lightly chuckled as he relaxed a bit slouching in his chair, spreading his legs apart a bit more.

“Well I’m supposed to be monitoring you.” He exclaimed while flashing me a toothy and lopsided smile.

“You’re not supposed to be in here. What did Dr. Perkins tell you earlier? When you walked back in you looked angry.” I questioned while slowly sitting up adjusting my blanket a bit as Micah slowly opened his mouth to speak, a sigh leaving his lips.

“He wants to transfer you to psych.” My smile faded and my fists clenched my nails digging into my palm, anger coursing through veins.

“Jo hey stop it, calm down.” Micah quickly appeared on my bed grabbing my hands and trying to unclench them, staring into my hazel orbs I met his gaze focusing on the gunmetal blue specks floating around his irises. ‘Jo stop it, he needs to be here comforting you not me I’m not taking his place.’  Ignoring Reed’s words I kept focusing on the gunmetal specks floating around Micah’s irises, letting him slowly unclench my fists his fingers gently touching my own; he was also go gentle with me.

“Jocelyn it’s ok-” I quickly pressed my lips against his my hands instinctively wrapping themselves around his neck, our lips moving perfectly in sync as my heart monitor beeping frantically. My lips attacked Micah’s my tongue fighting for dominance with his as I gently tugged on his hair; an animalistic growl leaving his lips.

“Jo..Stop it.” Micah spoke as he pulled away my hands limply resting on his shoulders, a smile stretching onto my lips.

“Why? I already got you on probation, a little more trouble can’t hurt right?” I softly spoke as I unwrapped my hands from around his neck and placing them on his chest.

“Jocelyn you’re in a hospital, you have an IV drip, a chest tube, you’re hooked to multiple monitors; more importantly I’m your nurse. Sex isn’t going to solve your problems.” Micah practically yelled at me while he pulled my hands off his  chest a frown forming on my lips as I started picking at my fingernails, a few tears staining my cheeks.

“You didn’t have to f'ing yell at me Micah.” I shouted as my hand striked his face, a definite crack echoing through the room; a look of shock transforming my facial features as I suddenly realized what I’d done.

“Micah I..” Micah glared at me while holding his bleeding nose, pulling his pager out of his breast pocket with his other hand, a frown forming onto his lips.

“Jo just please go to sleep, Dr. Perkins wants to see me I have to go.” Micah slid his pager back into his breast pocket while grabbing some tissue from the bedside table, gently placing the kleenex in his nostrils as he left the room without a word; leaving me alone. ‘You’re not alone Jocelyn, you have us.’  Reed spoke trying to comfort me as I stared at the ceiling, mentally beating myself up as I tried to let myself succumb to sleep.

The next morning I was greeted my Micah, Dr. Perkins, and my father; they were all talking among themselves until they noticed I was awake; their conversation quickly going silent.

“Morning kiddo.” My father spoke while striding over to my bedside, a small yet forced smile forming onto his lips as he bent down and softly kissed my forehead.

“Morning Dad, what were you guys talking about?” I ask while slowly sitting up resting my back on my pillow, a yawn slowly leaving my lips immediately after the words left them; my father darted his eyes to the floor then glanced at Dr. Perkins.

“Micah told us what happened last night, granted he wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near you; and we’ve been discussing our options with you. And we’ve decided to send you to Golden Slopes once you’ve fully recovered.” I watched as the words left Dr. Perkins’ lips anger quickly coursing through my veins as I clenched my hands into tight and tiny fists.

“That’s not f'ing fair in the slightest, I don’t need to go anywhere except home.” I huffed out as I dug my nails into my palm, warm tears trickling down my cheeks as I glared at Micah; malice dripping through my words as I spoke.

“I f'ing hate you.” I stared at Micah’s swollen eye and broken nose the realization that I hurt him pained me a bit as I instantly regretted my words.

“Jo sweetie calm down.” My father comfortingly spoke as he tried to touch my shoulder but I shifted in my bed a bit, his hand just falling back to his side slowly; a frown replacing the smile that was previously on his lips minutes ago.

“No Dad I don’t need to calm down, I don’t need to go to Golden Slopes; I just need to go home.” I sputtered out in between tears, setting my head in my hands I quietly sobbed as I heard footsteps they stopped next to my bedside, a gentle hand being placed on my back.

“I’m sorry Jo I’m just worried about you, we all are.”  Micah softly whispered in my ear as he hugged me, kissing my hair gently; Dr. Perkins cleared his throat.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Micah I really didn’t I’m so sorry that I did.” I sputtered through my tears Micah just held me, his touch comforting me.

“Do you guys mind giving Jo and I a minute?” Micah  spoke as he tightened his grip around me as my sobs grew louder, I heard two sets of footsteps leaving the room and the door slowly swinging shut; Micah unwrapped himself from around me and kissed me on the lips roughly.

“Listen Jo I forgive you and I always will, I know I shouldn’t be attracted to one of my patients but I can’t help it. I want to know everything about you Jo.” His words nervously left his lips as he grabbed my hands in his, they were sweaty due to his nervousness which made me cuckle.

“I’d really enjoy that Micah.” A smile stretching onto my lips as I stared into his silver gray eyes, watching the gunmetal blue specks float around his irises. Micah crashed his lips against mine one more, his hand cupping one side of my face; his fingers gently rubbing my cheek as I felt blush creeping onto them as our lips moved in sync. He quickly pulled away his hand slowly sliding down my face and falling to his side, a toothy and lopsided smile stretching onto his lips.

“You didn’t have to tell him that I punched you.” I grumbled while playing with the hem of my hospital gown, a frown forming onto my lips as I met Micah’s  silver gray eyes for a split second; his eyes having so much life in them.

“I didn’t Doc made the decision on his own, your father and I want you to stay at home. Being at Golden Slopes may help you but we still don’t think it’s the best idea.” Micah spoke while rubbing my shoulder gently in an attempt to calm me down, I smiled slightly as my father suddenly walked back in the room; his face was red and his eyes were puffy.

“Your f'ing mother’s trying to pin her addiction on me, apparently I didn’t love her enough. I tried the best I could with your mother, I stuck by her side while she was slowly killing herself, and according to her that’s not love?” The words quickly left my father’s angry lips as he turned his attention to Micah, his anger quickly receding, his skin slowly returning to its natural neutral beige pigment.

“Dad did you tell her that you want a divorce?” I quickly asked he simply nodded in response as he clutched a steaming cup of coffee in his left hand,  

“It just slipped out, she asked me a simple question and I stupidly told her I want a divorce. Then it went down from there.” Taking a sip of his coffee my father quickly emptied the cup, he set it on the table in the corner of my hospital room, a sigh leaving his lips.

“I’ll be back in a bit Jo.” Micah softly spoke while gently kissing my forehead causing my father to raise an eyebrow at me once Micah left the room, leaving the both of us alone.

“Kiddo what are you doing? You’re costing him his job.” My father scolded me while pinching the bridge of his nose with his pointer finger and thumb, a sign that he was slowly getting aggravated.

“I know but I can see Reed in him, he reminds me of Reed so much Dad. Micah even smiles like him.” I spoke as I felt a slight blush creep onto my cheeks as the thought of Micah’s lips against mine popped into my mind.

“Just be careful sweetie, I don’t want you getting hurt if so I’ll kill that kid.” My father jokingly said while he sat on the end of my bed, a soft chuckle leaving his lips.

“I’ll be careful Dad. Am I really going to Golden Slopes once I’m discharged tomorrow?” The question floated in the air for a few minutes before my father opened his mouth to answer it, a frown stretching onto his lips.

“I’ve talked about it with your mother and she wants you to go, but it’s your choice.” My father gently exclaimed while placing a comforting hand on my knee, a forced smile stretching onto my lips.

“I want to stay at home.” I softly mutter while playing with the hem of my hospital gown not really sure how to handle my emotions right now.

“You can stay with me at grandma’s, she’s letting me stay until I get my own place.” I smiled at the thought of my grandma, she’s my father’s mother and she helped raised me along with my father; she’s the kindest soul I’ve ever met besides my father. She a short woman with hazel eyes, a few wrinkles here and there, and a contagious laugh that could lighten anyone’s mood.

“What about Teresa?” I asked wondering what my younger sister thought about all of this, she just lost her older brother, her older sister is in the hospital; and now her parents are getting a divorce. She’s only 13 and she shouldn’t be going through this,she should be worrying about middle school, hanging out with her friends, and start figuring out who she is as a person. Micah suddenly wandered back into the room a brown paper bag in his hand along with a cup holder, two plastic cups filled with what I assume to be coffee; a lopsided and toothy smile formed on his natural pink and plump lips.

“You hungry?” He asked while handing me one of the cups and the brown paper bag, the scent of the caramel and the breakfast sandwich filling my nostrils; my stomach rumbling loudly causing everyone including myself to laugh.

“You didn’t have to bring me breakfast, I would have been fine with the cafeteria food.” I explained while ripping open the paper bag, unwrapping the breakfast sandwich and devouring it, the greasy sausage and the cheese making me hum in content as I swallowed; taking a sip of my coffee afterwards the caramel sliding down my throat.

“Well you seem to be enjoying it.” Micah spoke in between laughter as he smiled at me once more, exposing his pearly whites as the smile reached his silver gray eyes; reminding me of Reed. ‘I’m literally right here.’ He spoke as I continued to devour the breakfast sandwich, another content filled hum leaving my lips, my father softly chuckling under his breath.

“Your sister wants to stay with your mother even though I tried asking her to stay with me.” Plopping down in one of the chairs my father rested his elbows on his knees and signed once more. ‘Dad needs a pick me up, we should do something.’  Reed excitedly exclaimed while I finished my breakfast, taking one final sip from the plastic cup with the siren imprinted into the material.

“You can go home today if you’d like..” Micah soothingly spoke while taking a sip from his own plastic cup, a toothy and lopsided smile stretching otto his lips as he slightly bit down on the green plastic straw.  

“Seriously?” I questioned while a wide smile started stretching onto my lips, causing Micah to simply nod his head in confirmation.

“Doc signed of on it an hour ago, you’re free to leave at anytime,”

“Then let’s go home Dad.” My smile never leaving my lips.

Chapter Three-Home

The sticky maple syrup and the doughy pancakes slowly slid down my throat, as some of the syrup stuck to the roof of my mouth; a smile stretching onto my lips as I met my grandmother’s gaze while she wandered into the kitchen.

“Good morning Jo, where’s your dad?” The words dripping with kindness and concern as they left her lips, one of the cabinets slowly swinging shut as my grandmother held a mustard yellow coffee cup in her hands.

“He was called in this morning, something about the Elroy’s missing kid.” I explained through a mouthful of hashbrowns, my grandmother rolling her eyes at my actions while her coffee mug was being filled with the black liquid. My father was a search and rescue officer, he normally dealt with children or elderly straying from the marked forest paths and in some cases he deals with bodies hikers have found; mostly bodies of children. The missing kid in this circumstance is Noah Elroy, a six year old kid who went missing about a month ago; my father thinks they found him.

“That poor boy, I can’t imagine what his parents are going through. Nancy told me Walter Elroy’s in jail, apparently he abused Noah a lot.” My grandmother spoke while taking a sip from the mustard yellow mug, a red lipstick stain being left on the rim as she gently placed it on the wooden kitchen table; shoving another forkful of pancakes into my mouth I simply shrugged. My grandmother was always one who enjoyed gossip, when Reed and I stayed here for a few when we were younger she would always but her two cents in; no matter if it was her place to or not.  

“Why don’t we get out of the house today? It’s been three weeks since you were discharged and you’ve kept your ass planted on that couch since. And on top of that you haven’t been to school, your first day was yesterday.” My grandmother gestured to her tan sectional couch with her coffee cup, her hazel eyes meeting mine for a split second greenish yellowish specks floating her irises; I sighed while taking a sip from my almost empty glass of orange juice.

“I’m going to school tomorrow Grams, I’m walking it’s only a few blocks anyways.” I spoke through a bit of toast, a few buttery crumbs falling onto my sweater; my grandmother simply raised an eyebrow at me while taking another long sip of her coffee.

“I’m heading to a store in a few minutes do you need anything?” My grandmother reached for her purse and started fishing in for her car keys, the jingling of the metal making my skin crawl; harshly scratching my arm I gently dig my nails into my skin, chipping my nail polish a bit.

“Joce.” My grandmother’s voice bringing me back to reality slightly as I felt a bit of blood sliding down my forearm, the liquid was a dark crimson color and stained in between my fingers as my grandmother gently dabbed my arm with a damp paper towel; a frown forming onto her red lipstick stained lips.

“Dammit Jo it’s a good thing you didn’t scratch too deep.” Worry was evident as the words escaped her mouth while she searched multiple kitchen drawers for what I assume to be a bandaid, she reappears with a ninja turtle themed band aid; one of the turtles’ face was on the sticky green adhesive which was now on my forearm.

‘I need some more tampons and Cheez-its. Thanks Grams, I’m going back up to my room.” Setting my empty dishes into the sink I silently left the kitchen, dragging my feet up the stairs as a yawn left my lips; walking down the hallway and opening the first door on my right I entered my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

I hastily awoke and was greeted by darkness, the open blinds illuminating rays of moonlight which bounced off the graytint walls; sitting up in my bed I stared at the clock the red numbers read 2:28 am. This is how I spent a majority of my nights since being home, waking up in the middle of the night due to nightmares and staring at the ceiling until the morning; or until I could fall back asleep. Mira and Reed have seemed to disappear, I try speaking to them but I’m left unanswered so I’m completely alone with my thoughts and I’m not afraid this time. It’s almost comforting being alone with my thoughts, nobody else being able to know what I’m thinking was very comforting to me. I slightly shivered as my mismatch sock covered feet made contact with the hard wooden floor, sliding my feet into my piggy slippers the floorboards creaked as I walked towards my desk; sitting down in my black and white gaming chair. Staring into the camera lens I sighed before turning it on, staring at myself in the monitor I looked horrible; my hair was in a messy bun, my eyes were puffy and red from endless nights of crying; and my lips were dry and bleeding a bit. Licking them I tasted a bit of blood on my tongue as I took a few deep breaths.

“It’s currently 2:28 in the morning, and it’s been 20 days without Reed. I still have nightmares, I barely eat, I can’t sleep most days, my father is worried sick and so is my grandmother; and his funeral is this Friday. I’m supposed to be speaking about an amazing brother and overall person he was.” A laugh left my lips as I pictured Reed’s lopsided smile for a split second before I started to speak again, a few tears trickling down my cheeks.

“Reed was an amazing brother and and an amazing person, I just wish he was still here but he isn’t and it’s my fault.” Rolling up the left sleeve of my sweatshirt I showed my self harm scars to the camera, after a few seconds they focused into the frame; they were bright red and a few of them were still bleeding, a small amount of dark crimson liquid seeping from a few of the cuts. Rolling my sleeve back up I wiped a few tears away with the back of hand, staring at myself in the monitor for a split second I gathered my thoughts.

“There’s twenty of them on that arm, I haven’t touched my right arm yet. I’m actually going to school tomorrow which I’m pretty nervous about, the only friends I truly  had were Reed’s and I’m not so sure they’d want to see me. I’m nothing like Reed we were complete polar opposites I think that’s why we had a strong bond, we both balanced each other out; I’m too much of a reminder to his friends so I plan on avoiding them tomorrow.” Glancing at the clock across my bedroom it read 2:35 am I let out a sigh as I spun around in my chair, getting slightly nausea once I faced the camera again.

“My dad found a dead kid today, Noah Elroy he was missing for about a month and they found him dead this morning. My dad told me that he was already decomposing when they discovered him, they found his body in a hollowed out tree it was pretty gruesome. Sometimes I think about disappearing and never coming back, but then I realize my father would be lost without me; yeah he has Teresa but he has a different relationship with me I guess; he needs me and I need him.” Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt a few tears trickling down my cheeks as I turned off the camera, sitting in my gaming chair for a few minutes I got lost in my thoughts until my phone buzzed, reaching for it on my desk it buzzed again; I received two new text messages from Micah.

‘Are you still awake?’

‘I haven’t heard from you in awhile, are you doing okay?’’ My fingers hovered over my keyboard as I debated texting him back, typing a response I quickly deleted it before typing another response; deleting that one as well.

The warm water cascading down my naked body as I slowly washed myself, my soap smelling of blueberries and vanilla; Reed got this soap for me a while ago he said he prefers that I smell like vanilla rather than dog. I work at an animal shelter on the weekends and a veterinary clinic Mondays and through Wednesdays, and I work at the zoo on Thursdays and Fridays; but I haven’t been to work since the accident. Reed was actually driving me home from Perfect Paws, the animal shelter, the day of the accident; I’m not sure how I’ll be getting to work I’m not setting foot in an automobile. I’ll probably end up walking everywhere which doesn’t necessarily bother me, I enjoy walking a lot it helps me clear my head. Wrapping a yellow towel around my body as I stepped out the shower I stared at myself in the mirror, my hair was sandy brown was pretty long considering it reached to about my ribcage; and my long piecey bangs slightly covered my hazel orbs. Freckles were scattered on my cheeks and the bridge of nose, my nose ring glistened slightly due to the fact that it was slightly wet, my lips were naturally pink and plump; my freshman year of highschool people spread around a rumor that I got lip fillers which I never got. My phone that was sitting on the sink counter vibrated, a text from Micah popping up onto my home screen.

‘Hey Jo can we talk? I haven’t heard from you and I’m pretty worried, maybe we can go out to dinner later today?’  Grabbing my phone I unlocked it and opened the text message, my fingers hovering over my keyboard before typing a response; deleting the short sentence I came up with while exiting the bathroom and walking down the hall and re entering my bedroom. My walls were painted graytint with a few posters on the wall of various artists, a few 5 Seconds of Summer, Twenty One Pilots, and Shawn Mendes posters were plastered onto the wall. My gaming setup was in the far corner of my bedroom, my dual monitors, keyboard,my camera, microphone, wireless speakers, computer, and headphones sat on my desk; I was pretty impressed with my setup. Reed built my desk and my father built my computer, it took me a few months to finally decide on this setup; and it’s a lot better than my last one. I’m a YouTuber but I don’t like using that label because it’s not like YouTube is my main source of income, I don’t upload that much anyways; but Reed insisted on calling me one. It took my father and I hours to bring my desk up the stairs, mainly because I’m not very physically gifted and kept losing my grip of the desk. Opposite my gaming setup was my walk in closet, it was neatly organized, my clothes on individual hangers, my shoes neatly paired together on shelves; my hamper was filled with a few dirty clothes. My bed was in the middle of room I had a queen size mattress, my bed frame was white and had a string of lights dangling across the headboard, my bedding was white with pineapples scattered across the fabric; my comforter strewn across my bed. The rug I was standing on was a large white circular shape with a giant pineapple on it, my father  got my this rug for Christmas last year along with my pineapple themed bedding. Walking over to my closet I started searching for an outfit, I decided on a pair of light denim distressed jeans, a fitted black and white crop top, and a red flannel that used to be Reed’s; completing my outfit with a pair of white adidas sneakers. Admiring myself in the mirror I began styling my hair, leaving a majority of my hair down and messily braiding the rest of it; my phone vibrated from my back pocket, another text message from Micah appearing on my screen.

‘Do you need me to walk with you?’  

‘No I’ll walk by myself, thanks for the offer though.’  Grabbing my backpack and my airpods I left my room and walked down the hallway bumping into my father, who was wearing his work clothes; he widely smiled when he saw me.

“Morning kiddo, are you going to school today? Do you need a ride?” His eyes lit up as the word ride left his lips, his smile getting a bit wider.

“I’m walking to school, it’s only a few blocks away I’ll be fine.” My father’s smile faded once the words left my lips, I hated seeing him so broken especially since I was the one who broke him,

“Well be careful Jo, I’ll probably be home from work before dinner.” Flashing me another smile my father he strided down the hall and enter his room, gently closing the door behind him; racing downstairs I entered the kitchen where my grandmother was, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a full plate of breakfast.

“Morning Grams, I’m heading to school, and I have soccer practice then I’m meeting a friend for dinner. I’ll see you later.” Tightly hugging her I gently kissed her forehead and left out of the kitchen’s side door, being greeted by the cool spring air; pulling my phone out of my back pocket I opened Spotify and opened one of my playlists; Harry Styles ‘Sweet Creature’  loudly blaring in my ears. Quietly singing along to myself I started walking to school, the long journey ahead instantly making me regret deciding to go finally go to school.

After twenty minutes I finally arrived to Asheboro Heights High, home of the Sparrows, a personal hell especially for someone like me. Even though I played soccer that doesn’t mean I was popular in any way, I usually kept to myself and for that reason I was seen as an outcast and was sometimes bullied for it. Wandering through the halls I hastily made my way to my locker, where I noticed the pictures. Pictures of Reed and I, we both looked so happy we had wide smiles stretched onto our lips in every picture; in one picture we were both playing with a baby tiger I named Blu. In another picture I was on Reed’s shoulders we both were laughing, our wide smiles forever stuck in this small polaroid; my happiness stuck in there as well. Above all the scattered pictures were bubble letters made out of construction paper, spelling out ‘Rest Easy Reed’ the sudden urge to tear the pictures down consumed my thoughts as I felt the warm tears trickling down my cheeks; torn pieces of the polaroids falling around my feet. The bell rang drowning out my sobs as the bubble letters fell to my feet, a distinctively loud set of footsteps approached me; I didn’t bother paying him any attention.

“What are you doing? I put those up for you Joy.” His honeyed voice softly spoke while he bent down slowly picking up the torn pieces of film, coughing slightly as he walked around me; his electric blue eyes boring into my hazel ones, he flashed me a smile while wiping my tears away with his thumb.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I wanted to do something nice. I’m sorry.” He suddenly wrapped me in a tight hug, I sobbed into his shoulder as he just held me; rubbing my back soothingly, Clay Winters is Reed’s ex boyfriend; they dated for about three years it ended badly but that doesn’t make me hate him, they both made mistakes.

“I’m late for class.” Pulling away from him I wiped away my tears with back of my hand, stepping on one of the bubble letters while turning on my heel and walking down the hallway; my phone vibrating in my back pocket.

‘Can I see you now? I finally have an off day.’ Reading Micah’s text message I felt myself smiling while my fingers quickly typed a response.

‘Where are you? I can come to you.’

‘I’ll walk with you, are you at school? I’ll be there in a few minutes.’  Sliding my phone back into my pocket I turned back around walking past my locker, a few pictures still sticking to it, tearing the remaining ones of I stuffed them into my backpack; leaving the building in a few short minutes. That’s when I saw him, Micah McCoy a 23 year old nurse; he was my nurse for a month or so; and I had feelings for him. In the few weeks that I grew to know him I saw Reed in him whenever he walked into the room, he had the same eyes as my older brother, the same smile, the same protective and caring personality; some days it felt like I was with Reed. A wide smile stretching onto Micah’s lips as he tightly held me in his arms inhaling his scent he smelt of cologne and cigarettes, his hands tightly gripped my waist as we embraced; his lips gently kissing my hair.

“Hey Jo.” He softly spoke while slowly unwrapping himself from around me immediately reaching for my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine we began walking when my phone vibrated in my back pocket; grabbing the slim device I read the message on my screen. ‘Where are you? I’m sorry I made you upset Jo.’ Not responding to Clay’s message I decided to give my full attention to Micah, gripping his hand a bit tighter as we walked; a slight smile forcing onto his lips.

“How’s your dad doing? Is the divorce going well?” Micah questioned which wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling him into his side, I let out a long sigh before answering his question, waiting at the curb I focused on the cars speeding past, without even thinking I started walking into the street a few cars speeding past me; a few loud and drawn out horns being pushed. A car swerved past me and aggressively slammed his palm on the horn, yet I continued to stand in the middle of the street; a few tears staining my cheeks.

“Jocelyn!” I felt Micah tightly yank at my backpack I nearly tripped over the curb as he pulled my body into his, wrapping his arms tightly around me. Micah kissed my hair gently as he tightened his grip.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He softly whispered in my ear while letting his arms fall to his side, simply shaking my head in response Micah reached for my hand his fingers intertwined with mine; making me feel slightly better.

“Are you hungry? We can get some breakfast.” Wiping away a few tears with the back of my free hand I simply nodded my head and squeezed Micah’s hand tighter as we crossed the street, his lips curving into a twitchy smile he was clearly still in shock; I could tell when I looked into his silver gray eyes, worry and pain evident in his orbs.

“Do you want to talk about?” I question while we down the uneven sidewalk, a giant blue IHOP visible in the distance; my stomach rumbled in anticipation while Micah and I neared the restaurant.

“I do Jo but, you’re not going to listen to me no matter what I tell you.” Holding open the large door for me I was greeted by the cool blast of the air conditioning as I waltzed into the doorway, Micah snaking an arm around my waist we waited in line.

“Good morning, welcome to IHOP? Just the two of you?” Glancing at her nametag it read ‘Lauryn’ and the fakest and widest smile was plastered onto her face as she led Micah and I to a booth, she handed us two menus and the fake smile never leaving her lips as she turned and walked away.

“It’s good to see you, I’ve been pretty worried about you Jocelyn.” Micah spoke while I skimmed through the menu trying to decide what I should order, rolling down my sleeves in the process I set my arms on the table; noticing my scars I quickly rolled the sleeves of my flannel before Micah noticed my scars.

“I’ve been doing fine. To answer your question from earlier my dad’s doing okay, he’s focusing on work a lot. He found that Elroy kid the other day.” Setting my menu down I met Micah’s gaze watching the gunmetal blue specks float around his irises, his lips curling up into a lopsided smile Micah gently kicked me under the table and I blinked quickly; the waitress loudly clearing her throat.

“I’m sorry, can I just have the Split Decision breakfast with my eggs over easy and strawberry and banana pancakes. And can I get a side of white toast and hashbrowns?” Her name tag read ‘Camilla’ after she left our table I took a sip from my tall glass of Coke, my phone vibrating in my pocket; reaching into my pocket I grabbed the slim device; read the text message from my dad. ‘Hey kiddo I’m getting off work a bit early, I forgot Teresa’s play was tonight and your mom wants you there.’

‘Do I have to go Dad? You remember what happened on the drive home from the hospital.’  I fought off a few tears as I recalled those events, one the way home from the hospital I had a horrible panic attack; at one point I broke the passenger window, vomited on the floor, broke the passenger headrest; eventually passing out.

“Sorry that was my dad, my younger sister’s play is tonight; my mom wants me to be there.” I felt the tension rise as I just stared at Micah, a slight frown forming onto his lips then he reached for my hand across the table.

“You’ll be okay Jo.” He softly spoke while gently rubbing my knuckles with his thumb in an attempt to make me feel better, he quickly pulled his hand away as our waitress came to refill our glasses; flashing the both of us a wide smile before walking off.

“Last time I was in a car Reed died and I could have been dead too.” The words left my lips quietly as he waitress returned to our table, placing our multiple plates in front of us the wide smile still on her lips.

“Do you two need anything else?” Micah and I shook our head in response and muttered ‘thank you’ and the waitress simply wandered off.

“I know Jo but you’re not walking all the way to Lexington!” Micah practically screamed at me, drawing a few looks and gazes from strangers I felt a few tears trickling down my cheeks at his sudden outburst; his eyes immediately filled with worry and a smiled formed onto his lips.

“Shit Jo I’m sorry.” He reached for my hand again, gently rubbing my knuckles with his thumb as I wiped my tears away with my sleeve; it slid down my forearm in the process since this was originally Reed’s; so it was made for a man’s body. Micah’s eyes went wide as he got a glimpse at my cuts while I quickly rolled my sleeve up.

“Jo…” His voice slightly cracked while his words were barely above a whisper, shoving a forkful of pancakes into my mouth the gooey and sticky strawberry syrup somewhat sticking to the roof of my mouth; swallowing the mouthful I felt myself getting nervous, immediately shoving another forkful of pancakes into my mouth.

“Jo..” Reaching for my wrist Micah gently pushed my wrist down, my fork loudly crashing onto my plate as I swallowed my pancakes; a few tears trickling down my cheeks.

“What? It’s not like you care.” Taking another sip from my glass of Coke, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand; Micah examined my facial features while shoving a forkful of a combination of hashbrowns, sausage,and eggs into his mouth; swallowing before he spoke.

“I do care and you told me you stopped.” Worry dripped from his words as they left his lips but I didn’t need his pity let alone anybody else’s.

“I’m don’t need your pity.” Nearly jumping out of the cushioned booth I ignored Micah’s velvety voice beg for me to come back as I walked through the large double door of the IHOP letting the tears continuously fall, trickling down my cheeks and chin; I heard footsteps behind me.

“Jocelyn can you slow down? Can we just talk, I’m not purposefully trying to upset you.” Micah explained while reaching for my wrist I tried pulling away but he was able to wrap his hand around my wrist tightly.

“Everyone pities me when that’s something I don’t want, when I got to my locker Clay somehow put pictures of Reed and I on it. How did he expect me to react? Did he expect me to be happy? I’ve lost half of me but nobody seems to care about that, they just want me to f'ing forget about him.How can I forget about my own brother?!” I felt myself internally panicking it became harder to breathe as I only heard my frantically beating heart, I struggled to keep my breakfast in the confines of my stomach as nausea hit me; Micah’s lips slowly moved yet no words came out of them. Chunks of pancake and strawberries splattered the sidewalk as well as Micah’s shoes when suddenly my vision went black.

Chapter Four-Golden Birthday

“Nineteen years ago I was brought into this forsaken world by none other than my parents, Faye and Colin Moore; they’re not the best parents but they’re my parents nonetheless. My mother was strung out on drugs a majority of my life, while my father and my grandmother were the only two raising my siblings and I. To this day I still can’t fully comprehend why my parents stayed married for so long, I understand that my father was doing it for us but it’s better to live in a happy home than a broken one. Today is my brother’s funeral and everyone wants me to present a eulogy since Reed and I were so closely connected, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.” Tucking a loose strand of hair I continued applying my foundation as I glanced at myself in the viewfinder, struggling to fight off tears as I blended in my foundation; covering up a few pimples. ‘You’re beautiful without the makeup little sis.’  Nearly jumping out of my chair I dropped my blue makeup sponge to the floor, a frightened gasp leaving my lips as I heard his voice. ‘Reed? Is that really you?’ Bending down to grab the blue sponge I felt a set of eyes on me, scanning around my bedroom I glanced into the mirror on one of closet doors. Reed was standing in the reflective glass, a smirk plastered onto his lips a few tears sliding down my cheeks.

“Happy birthday Jo.” Before I even had the chance to respond he quickly disappeared a few more tears sliding down my cheeks, mentally cursing to myself I wiped off my foundation and quickly reapplied it with my pastel blue makeup sponge; completely forgetting what I was originally talking about for a few minutes.

“It’s supposed to be about three to five minutes long but knowing how much I can talk it’ll probably be longer than that. Well if I don’t cry before I even get a word out.” Applying my concealer I eyed myself in the viewfinder for a few seconds, my phone began ringing grabbing it off of my desk Micah’s named flashed across my screen; declining his Facetime call I quickly texted him, explaining that I’m doing my makeup and will see him at Reed’s funeral.

“Anyways a few weeks ago my younger sister had a play but I didn’t go, I haven’t been in a car since I got discharged from St. Luke’s. My mother and sister really wanted me to go so they’re both disappointed in me for sure. Most days I feel like my dad is the only truly there for me, and Micah of course but besides them I don’t really have a support system. But that’s okay I’ve been doing better, it’s been thirty five days without him and I’m doing okay.” Forcing a faint smile onto my gloss covered lips I quickly turned the camera off, running a hand through my hair as I slowly go to my feet; sluggishly walking towards my closet. After a few minutes of sifting through my clothes I decided on a black dress with sleeves, it fit me decently and it wasn’t too revealing for a funeral. ‘It’s too short. Wear the other black one.’  Reed spoke again as I felt something tug at the bottom of my dress, I gasped when I glanced down and saw Reed’s squatting form tugging at my dress.

“The other one doesn’t have sleeves.” I quietly muttered while a few tears trickled down my cheeks as Reed rose to his feet, tightly pulling me into a hug.

“Happy Birthday Jo.” He whispered in my ear while I tightly hugged him back, tears practically gushing from my ducts as he held me; Reed rubbing my back soothingly.

“I wish you were still here.” I sputtered through sobs as Reed tightened his hold, my body shaking as I uncontrollably cried in his arms ruining my makeup.

“I know Jo. I shouldn’t have left you I’m sorry.” His words held so much emotion as they left his lips, causing me to cry harder as Reed still held me; suddenly my bedroom door swung open and my brother was gone.

“Hey kiddo, are you ready?” My father as I stood in the middle of bedroom letting my arms fall to my sides as I still continued to cry. My father was suddenly in front of me, his lips were moving yet I couldn’t hear the words leaving them only my own heartbeat; which was slowly increasing. I felt as though the room was spinning as I fought the urge to throw up, my father continued to try and talk to me; pulling me into him.

“You’re okay Jo, just calm down.” He whispered into my hair as he rubbed my back soothingly as I began breathing normally, a few sobs leaving my lips as my father loosened his grip on me.

“I know it’s hard for you but you’ll be okay kiddo.” He tucked a few strands of hair behind and gently kissed my forehead, a small smile forming onto his lips. My father’s been doing a bit better since Reed’s passing, I don’t hear his crying in the middle night as much and his smiles are reaching his eyes; he’s not as broken.

“Yeah I’ll be down in a minute.” My father quickly nodded and left my bedroom closing the door behind him, walking back over to my desk I plopped into my gaming chair letting the tears fall as I stared at my camera; deciding to record a few more minutes of footage. Taking a few deep breaths I grabbed my phone off the white desk and quickly called Micah, wiping a few tears after a few rings he answered my Facetime.

“Happy Birthday Jo.” His smile quickly faded once he saw my tears, a frown quickly replacing it as a sigh left his lips.

“I can’t do this anymore Micah, it’s my nineteenth birthday and I’m f'ing going to my brother’s funeral.” I stuttered in between sobs as I started wiping off my makeup, sniffling a few times as I heard Micah buckled his seatbelt.

“Jocelyn everything is okay, it’s your day as well as Reed’s today and everything will be fine.” His voice broke up a bit as the connection got a bit spotty, the screen froze for a few seconds, his lopsided grin plastered onto his plump and naturally pink lips; a chuckle left his lips as he caught me staring.

“Jo? You’re staring babe.” Biting my bottom lip gently I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I wiped away my tears and reapplying my foundation; mentally groaning at myself.

“Jo...Stop reapplying your foundation please, you don’t need it.” A bit of frustration seeped through Micah’s words as the connection got a bit spotty again, his voice breaking up in between his words taking a makeup wipe I started taking off my foundation; more tears staining my cheeks. Staring at myself in the mirror I noticed Reed standing behind me, a frown settling onto his lips as I looked into his silver grey orb.

“Sorry I couldn’t get you a birthday present little sis, I’m sorry for a lot actually and I wish I could make it up to you.” Sorrow and worry dripped through each letter that left his lips while he placed both hands on my shoulders, my blood ran cold for a few seconds as I felt myself instinctually shiver.

“I have an idea Reed..” Reed’s hands slowly fell from my shoulders as another frown formed onto his lips, scanning my desk I spotted my pair of scissors, the handle was sunflower yellow and the blade was stained with purple hair dye; reaching for them I hesitated for a second before placing them against my throat.

“Jo…..” Quickly spinning myself around I faced Reed while applying a bit of pressure, already feeling a bit of blood drip down my fingers.

“Jocelyn are you-” Micah stood in the doorway a few tears staining his face as I met his gaze, I turned my gaze towards Reed, he just stared at Micah; digging the blade deeper into the neck. My bedroom door slammed shut I felt Reed’s hand grab mine as he threw the scissors to the ground, a frown settling onto his lips.

“Jocelyn what the hell were you thinking?!” Micah practically yelled as he barged into my bedroom his eyes going wide as he noticed the blood staining my neck and my fingers.

“F..Hold on I have a first aid kit in my car. I’ll be right back, apply pressure until I get back.” Sobs left my lips and I applied pressure to my neck, tears trickling down my cheeks and chin; I felt Reed wrap himself around me as he knelt besides me.

“Jocelyn what were you thinking? Dad needs you, Grams needs you, Micah needs you.” Reed’s grip tightened around my sobbing form as Micah could be heard stampeding up the stairs, nearly tripping over his own two feet he grabbed the door frame for support.

“Jo what were you thinking?” Micah questioned while I no longer felt Reed’s arms around me his kneeling form was no longer in the room, sometimes I wonder if he lets Dad see him as well as my mother; maybe Grams sees him too. Tears trickled down my cheeks as Micah knelt in front of me, meeting his gaze his silver grey eyes were filled with worry; a few tears stained his cheeks.

“You can move your hands babe, this might sting a little.”  Letting my arms fall to my sides I winced a bit as a gently dabbed on my wound with a cotton ball, digging into my wound a bit as he cleaned it the white cotton was now a deep red; Micah’s face was void of emotion as he started threading a needle tears trickling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry Micah, I truly-” Micah let out a loud sigh as he started to bandage my wound a frown stretched onto his lips as he let his hands fall to his sides, another sigh leaving his lips as his silver grey eyes bore into my hazel ones.

“Jo...” Micah’s face was void of emotion as he slowly got to his feet, a permanent frown stretched onto his lips as held out his hand; I hesitated for a minute before grasping his hand, pulling myself off the ground.

“Don’t you dare finish that f'ing sentence.” I quietly muttered while grabbing my jacket and purse wiping away the few tears the trickled down my cheeks, trudging downstairs I was greeted by my grandmother who was sitting on one of the bar stools in the kitchen; her eyes were puffy.

“Hey Grams are you ready to go?” I questioned while slipping on my jacket feeling the sleeve of my dress roll up I ignored it while staring at my grandmother, she continued to sit on the barstool staring at a small 4in by 8in picture; a few tears falling onto the counter.

“You were always so overprotective of her even when you didn’t need to be.” The sentence slowly left my grandmother’s lips as I heard footsteps making the kitchen tile creak, Reed stood behind my grandmother hesitating for a moment while he let his left hand hover over her shoulder; then he stared at me. At this point the gaping hole where his left eye should be didn’t bother me, instead it reminded of the gaping hole inside of me where something else should be; yet there was nothing and I’m sure this hole will never be filled.

“Jocelyn are you ready?” My father’s voice startled me as I continued to stare at Reed, a hand squeezing my shoulder nearly made me jump as a chuckle left my father’s lips as well as Reed’s; I bit my bottom lip out of habit as I simply nodded.

“Ma? Are you ready to go? Jo’s going to meet us there with Micah.” My father noticed the picture in her hands, the last few words of his sentence trailed off as his eyes were glued to the picture, struggling to hold back tears as he ran a hand over his lips; Micah suddenly appeared next to me his fingers intertwined with mine. I felt Reed glaring at me as I held Micah’s hand, fighting the urge to speak to Reed I bit the inside of my cheek; gnawing at it. ‘He’s disappointed in you Jo, it’s written all over Dad’s face and Micah’s. They just want  you to be happy again. I do too.’  I met Reed’s gaze as he stood behind my grandmother, his left hand currently resting on her shoulder which she didn’t seem to notice as she kept her eyes glued on the photo.

“Remember this weekend Colin? The kids had such a good time even if you and Faye were having a rough patch, but that’s what kept you going; moments like this.” A smile stretched onto my grandmother’s lips as she turned her attention towards me, the smile reached her hazel eyes as she stared at me; her frown disappearing once she noticed the bandage on my neck, she struggled to get to her feet before shuffling over to Micah and I.

“Sweetie what happened to your neck?” She questioned as her fingers brushed over the bandage, quickly forming an excuse in my mind I tightened my grip on Micah’s hand while swallowing out of nervousness.

“I scratched myself and Micah freaked out because I bled a little, the perks of dating a nurse.” I weakly smiled while kissing Micah’s jaw gently, my grandmother chuckled while rubbing my forearm gently her hazel orbs staring into my own; my father cleared his throat causing the three of us to glare at him.

“Ma we really need to go, Faye’s there already. Do you need help getting into the truck?” My grandmother grumbled something under her breath before waddling over to my father, linking her arm in his as they walked out the front door; the rain being visibly seen through the door’s glass window.’I know Reed, I’ve been trying to get better; it’s been thirty five days without you and I’m almost running out of room on my right arm for anymore cuts. But I’ll be okay one day I’m just not sure when that’ll be Reed.’  Reed slowly strided next to me as a frown stretched onto his lips as he intertwined our fingers, a frown of my own stretching onto my lips.

“You can wait in the car Micah, I’ll be out in a minute.” Kissing Micah softly I weakly smiled as his lips moved against mine, he instinctively pulled my body against his Reed let go of my hand and crossed his arms over his chest; clearing his throat out of annoyance. I quickly pulled away and stared into Micah’s silver grey eyes, his lips were stretched into a toothy and lopsided grin as he started to speak.

“Don’t be too long okay?” Micah stated while placing his hands on my waist while gently kissing my forehead, a soft blush creeping onto my cheeks as his lips quickly left my forehead; another lopsided and toothy grin stretching onto his lips.

“Also we’re having a conversation about earlier.” He spoke while fishing for his car keys his smile being replaced with a straight line, Micah’s facial expression was serious as he slowly turned towards the front door; the slight heel on his boots clicking on the wooden floorboards.

“I know.” The words quietly left lips as I tugged at the sleeve of my dress, that was slightly peeking through my jacket’s sleeve, a frown forming onto my lips as I saw a few of my scars. A sigh left Micah’s lips as he slowly closed the front door, leaving me alone that is until I felt a hand on my shoulder; Reed was still here.

“Today is my birthday and you’re not here to celebrate with me.” The words struggled to leave my lips as my body starting instinctively shaking, a feeling of panic setting in as Reed opened his mouth to speak before quickly shutting it; a frown settling onto his lips.

“You left me when you weren’t supposed to Reed! I never wanted you to leave me.” I was crying now as I practically yelled at him, quickly spinning on my heel so I facing him; his facial expression was filled with sadness and a sense of guilt.

“You left me alone! Mom doesn’t give a shit about me! Dad is too broken to even make eye contact with me! I’m f'ing alone Reed!” Anger suddenly replaced my panic as I felt myself roughly pushing against Reed’s chest, his body crashing to the floor with a loud thud as he lay a few feet away from me; a look of shock replacing his sadden one.

“Jo please calm down.” Reed softly spoke as I just glared at him a few warm tears trickling down my cheeks and chin.

“I wanted to kill myself today, I want to kill myself everyday because I can’t cope with you being gone Reed. Your my older brother and siblings are never supposed to leave each other, that’s what you told me the night that mom overdosed; you told me you’ll always be here to protect me.” The words quickly left my lips in between sobs as I walked into the kitchen, sitting on the same barstool my grandmother sat on minutes ago; the picture on the counter catching my eye. It was a small picture of Reed and I, he looked to be about twelve while I looked to be about eleven; smiles plastered onto our lips as I had my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms tightly wrapped around his neck. Behind us was what I assumed to be my grandmother’s backyard, the large oak tree a few feet behind us was currently standing tall in the backyard; a few leaves falling to the grass below as I stared out the kitchen window.

“I looked so happy here I don’t even recognize myself.” I openly spoke as I looked around the kitchen for Reed, he was sitting on the counter his elbows resting on his knees.

“Jocelyn you can’t stay here, you’re presenting my obituary and you’re late.” I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand as I stared at the picture one more time, picking it up off the counter and slowly ripping it into tiny pieces more tears staining my cheeks.

“I’m not this same happy girl anymore, I’ll never be the same Reed.” My voice was slightly above a whisper as I trudged towards the front door, placing my hand on the handle before turning back to look at Reed.

“I still you as that happy little girl Jo, you’re just lost right now and that’s okay.” Reed flashed a toothy smile as I slowly opened the door, a few drops of raining landing on my jacket as I continued to stare at Reed’s slowly vanishing form.

“Happy Birthday Jo, I love you.” He softly spoke before completely disappearing, warm tears trickling down my cheeks as I walked through the doorway; walking towards Micah’s truck nervously reaching for the handle before hastily opening the door. Climbing into the passenger seat I quickly buckled my seatbelt I looked over at Micah, he was  just staring out the front windshield as if he was concentrating on something; he quickly snapped out of it as his silver grey eyes stared into my hazel ones. His eyes were filled with fear, worry, and something I couldn’t figure out, a few tears slowly rolled down his cheeks as he slowly blinked; slowly opening his mouth to speak.

“You...you almost killed yourself today Jo.” Micah’s statement hung in the air as he rested his head on the steering wheel, the words I wanted to say were caught in my throat as I rested my head against the headrest; tears trickling down my own cheeks.

“I know.” I mustered up the strength to mutter those two words as I sniffled feeling Micah’s stare, I hesitated before meeting his gaze his silver grey eyes boring into my hazel ones; giving me the feeling that he was trying to read me, trying to get past the multiple walls I put up.

“If I didn’t…” Micah’s sentence trailed off as his eyes bore into the bandage on my neck, he stared at it intently for a few seconds before looking into my hazel orbs once more.

“I know.” My eyes darted to the floor as I placed my head on my lap, sobs leaving my lips as the revving of the engine startled me slightly, Micah’s free hand rubbed my soothingly as the truck’s tires crushed the gravel underneath them; my body shifted slightly as Micah reversed out of the driveway.

“I’m sorry. Micah I’m sorry, I just miss him so much without him I’m not the Jocelyn I used to be. When Reed left it was like he took part of me with him, and I desperately need that piece back.” The words that left my lips shocked me considering I’ve never said them out loud before, the ride through my neighborhood was silent until we reached the main intersections Micah struggling to speak.

“Jo..your father and I spoke the other day along with K--uh Perkins and we all came to an agreement. We….decided to admit you to Golden Slopes we just need your approval.” The words stuttered from Micah’s lips as I finally lifted my head from my knees, my face was tear stained and my eyes were probably puffy from crying; I sniffled before the words shakily left my lips.

“I’ll go under one condition.” My hazel eyes bore into Micah’s for the split second he diverted his attention from the road, I nervously swallowed as I slowly stated my condition a few tears trickling down my cheeks as Micah’s eyes darted between mine and the road.

“You’ll stop looking at me like that, that everyone stops looking at me like that; like you’re disappointed in me. My own father can barely look me in the eyes and whenever you look at me your eyes are filled with disappointment.” Micah’s lips slightly quivered as he thought of something to say, his lips abruptly stopped moving as he sat there silently; bringing his eyes back towards the road. The rest of the card ride was silent, the only sounds being heard were our breathing and the hum of the engine; a few more tears rolling down my cheeks as the church slowly came into view through the rain splattered windshield. Micah took one hand off the steering wheel and reached for mine, intertwining our fingers together his grip tightening every few seconds.

“Jocelyn...I’m proud of you for taking this step, I truly am.” Micah stated while searching for a parking space as the windshield wipers swayed back and forth, I sniffled while bringing his hand to my lips and gently kissing it before letting out hands drop into my lap.

“You’re still disappointed in me.” I stiffly spoke while unbuckling my seatbelt with my free hand remaining in the truck for a few minutes. ‘Reed? I’m scared to go there, what if they make me forget you? What if I don’t get to see you again?’ Micah’s hand suddenly left my mine, it suddenly cold as I slowly balled it into a gentle fist trying to hold back tears. ‘You’re not going to forget me Jo I promise.’ Closing my eyes for a few seconds I saw Reed’s faee slowly begin to appear, a toothy and lopsided grin stretching onto his lips before he quickly vanished.

“Jo? You ready? We’re already late.” Micah reached for my hand one more rubbing my knuckles with his thumb gently as I opened my eyes, my hazel orbs boring in Micah’s silver grey ones; disappointment was evident in them for the few seconds I looked into them.

“I’ll be in there in a minute, I just need some time.” Resting my head in my hands I felt myself shaking as a gentle kiss was pressed against my temple for a few seconds, then I was alone once Micah’s driver side door closed shut; a few seconds later it opened.

“Joyce look at me.” Reed’s voice softly spoke as I lifted my head from out of my lap turning to face him, a few sobs escaping my lips as I stared at him; his clothes were different. He was no longer wearing his black ripped jeans and white shirt which was soaked in dark crimson blood and white hightop Vans, instead he was a grey suit, a white dress shirt underneath his blazer, a blue tie, and black dress shoes.

“It’s going to be okay, I’m not leaving you I promise. Siblings stick together remember?” Reed placed a comforting hand on my cheek and flashed me a toothy grin exposing his exceptionally white teeth; a slight grin stretching the corners of my mouth instinctually.

“Siblings stick together no matter what.” Reed’s hand left my cheek and he instead slightly leaned over the console and tightly embraced me, sobs uncontrollably raked my already shaking form as Reed’s hold tighten; his hands soothingly rubbing circles on my back then suddenly he was gone.

“Jo are you okay? Your mother’s asking for you.” My father’s voice was a bit raspy and hoarse as he spoke, a sign that he was crying I cleared my throat before adjusting my jacket and looking at myself in the dash mirror, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand before climbing out of Micah’s truck. My father tightly embraced me before pulling away after a few short minutes not looking me in the eye as I stared into his hazel orbs they were void of emotion, yet I knew he was disappointed in my afterall everyone is.

“I’ll be okay eventually.” Linking my arm with my father’s we made our way towards the entrance of St. Margaret's Church of Christ, a few more tears rolling down my cheeks as we walked through the large double doors. The array of voices echoed throughout the church as  my father and I strided through the aisle, a few familiar catching my eye the expressions on their faces were filled with sorrow as I stared at them; a sudden hand gently gripped my forearm startling me slightly. Staring at the hand clutching my forearm I noticed the white gold wedding band, the diamonds glistening slightly as I looked at it; my mother’s wedding ring was something that I was always captivated by, it was absolutely stunning. The design itself was simple, the band had six tiny diamonds placed in the channel setting, while the three diamonds resting in the center of the ring varied in different sizes; the middle diamond was the largest while the other two were relatively bigger than the six diamonds in the channel setting. My mother no longer deserved this ring she’s broken every single vow of her marriage with my father, the fact that the ring still sits on her finger disgusts me as I look at her her face was stained with tears and mascara.

“You look different, did you cut your hair? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, the house is so empty without you Jo when are you coming home?” My mother questioned while putting my hands in hers, her grip was airtight as I stared into her silver grey orbs her pupils were constricted; she was using again.

“Mom we talked about this I’m staying with Grams and dad, I’m not living with you anymore.” I softly spoke while tears trickled down my cheeks and chin, my mother slowly loosened her grip and let her hands fall into her lap; a frown forming on her lips.

“It’s so lonely in that house.” She muttered while running her hands over her face, smudging the mascara staining her cheeks; I just stared at her.

“Teresa isn’t living with you anymore?” I questioned while continuing to stand as she gestured the empty pew cushion next to her, another frown forming on her lips as she stared into my hazel orbs a look of confusion quickly replacing her look of sorrow.  

“That little skank?” The words slowly left her lips as her body suddenly slumped into the pew, her neck lazily rolling backwards before her head shot forward along with her upper body; she sat in a slouched position her body was motionless as I just watched her.

“Is she okay?” I didn’t even notice Micah next to me until he spoke, I glanced over at him and felt myself blushing; he was so attractive. His hair was down to his shoulders, his silver grey eyes had a hint of worry in them as he stared at mother’s slouching form; his naturally pink and plump lips were set in a straight line, his beard was starting to grow out it wasn’t just stubble anymore. He was wearing a simple black suit with a white dress shirt, black necktie, and black dress shoes; a silver watch decorated his wrist. Sometimes I didn’t understand why he wanted me.

“She nodded off, she’s strung out. She’s using again.” I muttered while Micah went to lift her body, slowly resting her back on the pew her head slouching into her shoulder.

“Mrs. Moore, can you hear me?” Micah got no response as let out a sigh, turning his attention towards me.

“Jo? Can you watch her while I grab my examination kit from the truck, I won’t be too long.” He gently kissed my cheek before quickly striding down the aisle and leaving the church, I let out a frustrated sigh as I looked around the church for my father; I spotted him sitting next to my grandmother he was comforting her as she cried.

“Dad, did you know Mom’s using again? She strung out at Reed’s funeral, she’s nodded out! She thinks I’m coming home, she called Teresa a skank when I mentioned her; I...I can’t f'ing handle this.” Before my father could response I already felt the tears rolling down my cheeks, leaving the chapel I entered the women’s bathroom; placing my hands on the sink and staring at myself in the mirror. My face red, my eyes puffy, I looked horrible; then one of the stalls behind me opened as Reed slowly stepped out.

“She’s using again. Reed I can’t...I can’t handle all this shit. What the f did I do to deserve this shit!?” I stuttered out in between sobs as the bathroom door swung up, Reed continued to stand in front of me as we both stared at our younger half sister; her left eye was slightly swollen as she stumbled into the bathroom.

“Teresa you know mom’s using again right- what happened to your eye?” Getting a few inches away from Teresa’s face I looked at her eye, it was purple in a few areas around her actually eye; and there was a small amount of blood in the white of her eyeball.

“Did mom hit you?” I asked as Teresa let out a sigh hesitating before explaining what happened to her, I crossed my arms over my chest and sniffled.

“I got in a fight at school with this other girl in my class.” I let out a sigh as I rolled my eyes, Reed placed his hands on my shoulders and slowly massaged them; after Teresa continued to explain her fight she walked past me and entered the stall Reed came out of. ‘Reed I can’t stay here I can’t, I’ll ask Micah to take me home.’  I left the bathroom and returned to the chapel, Micah was standing over my mother who was laying on the floor; my mother’s body was convulsing slightly.

“Mom?!” Running over to her I looked at her, my mother’s eyes were closed and she was gurgling the sound was guttural and animalistic in a way. My father suddenly appeared next to me squatting down to my level; embracing me tightly as I watched Micah gently turned my mother onto her side; vomit protruding from her lips a small puddle landing a few inches away from her face.

“I need an ambulance to come to St. Margaret’s as soon as possible. Her breathing is shallow, she’s going in and out of consciousness, -I’m a nurse- she’s intoxicated yes. She’s overdosing on heroin.” Micah shakily spoke into his phone as I locked eyes with my mother, her silver grey orbs were practically empty as they bore into my hazel orbs tears dripping down my chin as I reached out to caress her cheek; vomit seeping between my fingers.

“I love you Mom, I know I don’t act like it but I do.” I softly muttered while my mother vomited once more after I removed my hand from her cheek, her lips having a slight black tint to them as her pupils constricted; her breathing become shallow.

“Mom stay with me please, we can go get help together. I’m..admitting myself to Golden Slopes this weekend Mom, you can too.” I sputtered out in between tears as my father slowly brought me to my feet, a few sobs leaving my lips as I hid my face in my father’s dress shirt; his blazer was draped over my mother to keep her warm as she lay unconscious. This was the second time I’ve witnessed my mother overdose yet this time I was in my father’s arms instead of Reed’s, but he was still here I felt his presence; feeling the familiar arms wrap around me, my father and Reed both embracing me.

“You knew she was using didn’t you Dad?” I question in between sobs while my father rubbed my back soothingly as a sigh escaped his lips, my question floating in the air unanswered as my father broke our embrace; going to speak with Micah; I stared at him intently his face looked flushed as he spoke with my father sweat trickling down his jawline. ‘Reed? Is mom going to die?’  I question while still staring at Micah, Reed just hugged me tighter as he placed his head on my shoulder leaving my questioned floating around in my mind as Micah suddenly met my gaze; his eyes were filled with worry as he quickly looked away from me. Crashing my body into Micah’s once I stood in front of him he hesitated before tightly holding me, sobs raking throughout my body as I let him hold me.

“I..I don’t know what to say..this is my fault, you told me to keep an eye on her but I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry, this is all my fault.” I stuttered in between my sobs as Micah kissed my hair gently while soothingly rubbing my back before grabbing my chin with one hand, making me stare into his silver greyl orbs.

“Jocelyn Leigh Moore, this isn’t your fault baby this entire situation was out of your control.” His words were filled with sincerity as he blinked a few times his eyelashes brushing his cheeks slightly, he wiped my tears away with thumb as he kissed my forehead gently. A few paramedics rushed down the aisle their faces holding no specific expression as the assessed my mother, one checking her pulse while another checked her pupils; dried vomit stuck to the corners of her mouth and chin as they lifted her onto the gurney keeping on her side. My father hesitated for a second, he wanted to go be with her he still loved her I could tell.

“Dad, just go.” His eyes met mine for a split second before he practically jogged down the aisle, his eyes red and his face tear stained, he was still so broken; his son his dead, I almost died, and now his wife may die. No of this would have happened if it wasn’t for me.