If a persons room tells their story what would you think? Four walls painted a pale pink, the remainder of a childhood. Void of posters, drawings not a personal touch in sight. The dresser covered in makeup, dark eye shadows and liners mostly. Not a single photo in sight except one. Taken just four months ago, a girl hugging a young boy, his fair hair blowing in the wind. His face full of joyful innocence. Her smile is wide, dimples mark their faces. On the shelves journals from each year of her life stacked up neatly, the colors of the rainbow. On her bed a little black book is open, her page marked with a silver ribbon. Written within is her feelings, just thoughts about her pathetic life, is what she tells anyone who bothers to ask.

These days no one seems to be asking her anything, teachers stop calling her name at attendance, classmates stopped asking her for help. Her friends stopped texting her, her mother stopped talking to her, even her brother seemed to be too busy with his own life to make time for his big sister. Deep down everyone had the same thought, but it scared them to much to ever ask, they all feared the answer. Everyone wanted the same things, to save Alexandria Miller, but how or from what they had no idea.

I should probably introduce myself, just a fair warning I’m not who you’d expect me to be. I’ve been apart of Lex’s life for years now, when I first met her all she needed was an escape, now she needs me to live. She keeps me hidden, no one has ever seen me, no one ever will. I’m Lex’s worst enemy, she hates me almost as much as she hates herself. No matter what I know she’ll always come back to me, she’s in too deep, she couldn’t give me up if she tried. After all this time she’s grown used to me, I’m always there for her. I guess you could say I’m her best friend. She calls me Tempe, short for temptation. But frankly its just a nicer way to say addiction. I’m here to tell her story in a way that I know she’ll never be able to, because I’ll kill her before she ever faces the truth.

Lex has changed so much since the first time we met, back then she went by Alex. I remember that day so clearly, but as people always say, you remember your first. It was a clear October day, a girl was crying, her deep green eyes filled to the brim with tears, she felt the pressure on her chest and writing wasn’t lessening the pain. Beside her sat a piece of paper, a test with a 72 circled at the top. She was so distraught she studied for hours, trying to prove herself, to show everyone she was smart. She stood up and stared at herself in the mirror, studying her own reflection. Her dark hair was messy, her skin blemished, her eyes red, tears streaming down her cheeks. That’s when I reached out, at first she didn’t realise what I was asking of her, she held the safety pin delicately. Her hands shook, her vision was blurred, she didn’t even feel it at first.

She fell asleep that night not realising, until the next morning when her sheets were stained with drops of dried blood. Her arm dyed a pale, smeared red. She was horrified, her mind filled with a thousand questions, she looked at me with fury, hating my very existence. She wanted to yell and scream but all I could do was laugh, because she was missing the big picture. When she had calmed down I asked her to smile, and she did. She found that the pressure had been lifted, she was free. She looked at me with wide curious eyes, and said “thank you,” I replied “this is just the beginning… trust me”

She didn’t believe me, she went a week ignoring my every call. I started showing her how much pain she was truly in without me and each time she kept coming back. She tried to leave, because deep down she knew it was insane. I was making her insane. Let me be clear she always came back to me but always with an air of caution, she knew her limits. She had her limits even with me, until one day that changed, I feel I should warn you if you’re faint hearted please read no further because this story does not have a happy ending. This story is dark, cold and twisted but its reality, Lex’s reality and my reality. A dark transformation and a fall from grace. Do you ever realise how much one choice can affect your whole life? One wrong move, and it’s game over. Maybe we’ll teach you a lesson, you’ll choose differently or maybe this will become your story.

This is my last entry, this is goodbye. I made up my mind I just can’t fight anymore. Today I went to the beach with a perfect smile plastered on my face, I hugged my brother and told him everything he needs to know, I said my goodbye with him in my arms. He’s too young to realise what’s about to happen, but I have letters ready for later. This past week has been the hardest, I knew this was coming and I was out of control. Today when Mom seen me smiling and when I let her take pictures of me and Brad she looked so happy and at peace. I’ve been carrying the crushed up pills with me, it was comforting to know whenever I felt anything that I’d rather avoid that I knew it would end. I dumped them into my water and prepared myself for the end. I know it will probably take hours and that I will feel my body shutting down. But I’ve come to find that I don’t care anymore because soon its going to over. I can finally rest, I can finally sleep. The water was gross like drinking fire, I had to be careful because it was so disgusting it made me want to puke and I had to try my hardest to keep it down, now its just the waiting. Earlier Mom noticed that my fingers were tinted grey and how cold they were. Now its my arms, I can’t see my veins anymore even when I run my wrist under hot water, they’re way too faded. I keep trying to warm myself up but nothings working. I’m getting scared Diary, is this really what I wanted? Maybe I should tell Mom. No, who am I kidding? There’s no way in hell I could do that, all I can do is lay here and wait. Its getting harder to breathe, I can’t put any kind of pressure on my chest, oh god I’m so scared. I wish someone was here to hold me. Why did I choose this way? Why does it have to last for hours? Why didn’t I choose hanging or a gun? That’s a hell of a lot quicker, less painful too. Of all the times to think of Alex, I remember my stupid ex at this moment? Really? The one person I ever told about this and all he had to say was “quit whining about it, if you’re gonna do it, use a gun, no way you could f*** that up” I hate him so much, I know I can’t really blame anyone for this because this is my fault. I did this to myself but there’s so many people I want to scream at right now! Dad! How could you just leave me behind? You take Brad cause he’s your son and you’ll always love him more, but then you trade him for your slut of a girlfriend? What did I do wrong? I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove myself to you. I seen the letter you wrote Mom telling her that if she didn’t abort you would leave her. Daddy I love you so much, and you’re supposed to love me back. Don’t you dare go cry over my grave, you’re selfish and I hate you, all I wanted was to make you proud. Wow, I can’t believe I just wrote that. I don’t know where that came from, maybe I just have things that I don’t want to leave unsaid. Don’t get me wrong it felt good but its not like me. I shut up and take everything that’s thrown at me. Why did I do this? My head hurts, my throats on fire. Why? Omg I was so stupid, I can’t do this. I don’t want to die someone please come save me! Please anyone? My eyes feel heavy but I’m fighting it, I’m not ready to go, no not yet. Its getting really hard to breathe, my heart is racing. Oh my god Diary I’m dying, this is actually happening. Tomorrow Mom is going to find me. Will I be cold? Will she scream? No, I can’t think about that because then I start panicking then I can’t catch my breathe and then my room starts to spin. My body is dying but my mind is racing, still fighting itself. Part of me wants to just give up and the other half is telling me how f*ing stupid I am for doing this. Its telling me to fight, but I have no fight left. There’s a small chance I’ll wakeup tomorrow, no overdose is guaranteed but I’m accepting my fate, this is meant to be. Goodbye. And to anyone who reads this I’m sorry please forgive me I love you forever Alexandria Grace

She lays, unmoving, her breathes shallow barely there. If you were to feel her pulse, well it would take you awhile to find one. Her skin is pale, cold to the touch but none of this matters because she’s still alive. Against every wish, every thought and every emotion she’s still here. Downstairs I can hear her mother cleaning away, blissfully unaware of what could have transpired. If you were to go to next room over you’d see a little kid talking to himself while playing dinosaurs and robots. His innocence visible to all but no one will ever know how fragile it is to shattering it all depends on another’s choice.

Slowly her eyes open and her usual bright eyes are no where to be found instead a haggard look of defeat and exhaustion. She’s confused, she can feel herself struggling against her body but she can’t figure out why. She blows her messy bangs out of her face and attempts to sit up but rolls back down. A little voice shouts down the stairs “Mom! Is sissy up yet?” Hearing the voice fuels her determination to get out of the bed that seems to be holding her prisoner. Carefully she eases herself out of bed and triumphs as she stands up but before she has the chance to take a step, she finds herself on the ground. Hearing the sound of her body hitting ground but finding that it doesn’t hurt.

Pounding up the stairs her mother runs to her side “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asks her tone so filled with worry. Alex’s eyes shift from side to side, pondering her options but realising she only has a moment to decide. Despite the fact her throat is on fire and her tongue feels like mush she speaks “I’m fine mom, just a little dizzy”
“You’re so pale! Is there anything I can get you?” struggling to find the word Alex finally whispers “Water?” Her voice cracks when she realises the sound, the voice spilling out of her lips isn’t her own.

Within a millisecond there’s water flowing down her throat, the fire fading away, if only there was such a simple cure for the confusion. Feeling her Mom’s eyes staring that worried stare then second pair of eyes just looking. As if she had a sixth sense she turns turn to see Brad staring. His dark eyes watery “buddy, there’s no need to cry. I’m okay, come here” she says softly and tries with all effort to lift her body and finds that she can sit up.
“are you okay? I heard you fall, why are you so white? Can we go to the park?’ his sweet little voice prattles off another ten questions by the time he’s finished he’s smiling again. “Sorry buddy but the park may have to wait, but if you want you can bring your toys in here and we can play later” his face lights up as he skips down the hallway, leaving her with Mom. “You’re quite pale dear, do you want some pills?” her mother asks

Upon hearing the word, it finally clicks. “No! Its okay, I’m sure it clear up on its own” she answers quickly, probably too quickly but her mind is spinning, racing too fast to even consider, to even worry about it. Questions overflow her mind, it pounds as her can feel every vein in her body pulsing. Her composure is lacking, she doesn’t know how to feel or what to say, so she just stares waiting for her mother to break the silence.

“Well if it doesn’t or Brad gets too loud just tell him you need sleep, I hate to mention this but I got called into work, are you okay watching him?”
“yeah sure, I don’t mind.” Mom gets up and walks to the door, trying to keep herself steady but in the end she looks back lovingly at her only daughter and smiles. As the door shuts Alex looks around the room and calls my name.

I step out of the shadows and hand her, her weapon of choice. She’s evolved from a safety pin, to a tack, to now a razor. She grabs it from my hand and stares lovely then looks at me with her cold eyes and asks “Why Tempe? How could you do this to me? I have rules and I have limits. You should know this by now!”
“Honey, look what’s in your hand? Is that a knife? No, so try as you will but you’ll find that this is in no way my fault. You made your choice, I had nothing to do with it”

Okay, I do feel the need to point this out. Me and Alex have conversations, I know it’s crazy, but look who’s telling her story? Its quite an odd way, but face it nobody knows about me, nobody ever knew Alex, the real Alex. She kept it hidden from them, she was trapped in this cycle of wanting perfection and I was her escape. Back to the story

Cold fades into worry as tears filled her eyes “T-tempe, what happened to me?”
“You don’t remember?”
“No, yes, well kinda. Um, I remember that took pills, a lot of pills but, I don’t… understand why?” her voices cracks before I get the chance to answer she brings down the weapon with all her might, and slices her thigh open. Digging the blade as deep as it will go into the skin. Then crumbles to the ground. Bawling and bleeding, she curls up into a ball.
`
Her sobs turn into wails, I give her a moment to catch her breath before I speak “Honey, if you really want to remember what happened, read your journal. But let me warn you you’re probably better off not knowing. Cause this is gonna haunt you more then I do. Just let it be, please?”
“you know I can’t do that
! I have to know what the f*** happened to me. Don’t worry I’ll be okay. I can’t get any worse, there’s just no way, relax Tempe”
“Things can get a hell of a lot worse really fast, you have to be careful about these things, starting with if you’re going to tell anyone, are you?”
“Are you crazy? Of course not, I’d rather die! Okay, um not the best choice of words but seriously I can’t just spill this to anyone without telling them the whole story and show them what I’ve been doing for the past four years of my life.”
“you mean showing them the scars? Telling someone about me, right? Asking for help? Yeah, I kinda hate to remind you at a time like this. But do you recall the one person you did tell?”
“Shut up Tempe, I’m not that stupid. They’d make me give you up, and well that would push me over the edge” when her eyes meet mine they dart to the floor and she whispers softly “again.”
“Here, if you really want to know, read it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you” I hand her the journal and watch her eyes as she skims the pages re reading the past couple months of her life. Until she reaches last night’s entry, bowing her head she takes three deep breaths before reading her suicide note. Her eyes resemble a deer facing down headlights. Shocked, stunned her head tilted in utter dismay. Reading the words in front of her but not truly comprehending what it means.

I wait for her to speak, a minute passes then two then five still nothing. I glance over and see her staring into the mirror. Odd because I didn’t even hear her move. Odder still she’s smiling, this wide and perfect smile. Anyone would believe it except for her eyes they’re flat completely dead. A stranger passing by wouldn’t look twice, even her own friends and family would shrug it off as nothing. I turn away I can’t bear to look at what I’ve created, what I did to this girl.

I fade into the shadows without looking back. The guilt stings even though I didn’t make her do what she did but I certainly didn’t make things any easier. She’s not going to tell anyone, ever and it’s going to kill her. It will eat her from the inside out. Right now she’s all smiles and faking it but that won’t last long.

I take a quick peak and still see her smiling into that mirror. Is she perfecting it for the world or to convince herself that last night didn’t happen. I could ask but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. As some famous person once said “ignorance is bliss” and I guess that’s true for the both of us. Expect one day she’ll have to face herself, and I can tell you that it won’t go over well

I’ve never been one of those girls, normal, happy with tons of friends and is always going out with boys and to parties. No. I’m the outcast the one that always stands alone no matter what. People shy away from me as if they can sense the fact that something just isn’t right like I’m damaged goods. Maybe I really am. If any of those stupid preppy bitches or jerk jocks knew what I’ve been through the past year they would probably just laugh and point the finger at the crazy girl.

No one even noticed when I didn’t show up at school for a month straight, not even the teachers. My parents were away so they have no idea, I’m just that kid that everyone assumes is okay because they think I chose to be this way. Just to let anyone know no one ever wants to be alone in the world. Things just happen and there’s always one who ends up on the side lines and in this town that’s me.

I was born into a world of privilege, I am the third child of Emma and Carl Davenport before me is Darcy who is three years my senior and unlike most siblings we are the best of friends. It’s probably due to fact that our older brother Tyson isn’t here anymore. Hey, maybe you’re starting to think that him dying explains my problems but think again. I don’t even remember him and everyone acts like he was never there.

According to my mom I’ve always been this way. I was born screaming apparently that’s a sign from god that I would be a handful all my life. So my parents being so smart as they are. Left me alone with Darcy all the time or with a nanny up until I was fourteen and Darcy left for university. They would leave for business trips, vacations and charity events whenever they felt like it. Maybe I have abandonment issues, whatever not like it really matters. All I do know is that I can’t do anything alone anymore.

The tiny flames flicker as I stare them down finally realising what magnitude they hold. The moment I’ve been waiting years for is here, my sixteenth birthday. No, I’m one of those girly girls you see on TV who spend thousands of dollars on this meaningless birthday. No, not I’m having a huge party. No, I’m not surrounded by friends as I blow out my candles. The only family I have with me is my sister because my parents are away on some cruise. If you were to give these circumstances to any other girl on the planet she’d probably cry or complain but I guess I’m not any other girl now am I?

A simple heart shaped chocolate cake holds sixteen candles. Each candle gives me a wish.16 wishes but I only want one. My eyes close for a moment as I draw in my breath and blow. With widening wonder I smile because now it’s time for my birthday present. It’s not a car, it’s not money or designer clothes that you’d expect rich parents to buy their kid. This gift isn’t from anyone I love actually it’s the opposite. This present is from the person I hate most… myself.

Everyday of my teenage years I wanted something that I couldn’t have because it was unreachable. I had two ways that I would ever come to possess it, I could either reach out and ask for it or wait until I could do it on my own. Which brings us to today, September 2nd 2011. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I give myself what I truly need. A second chance.

I stared out into the darkness until Darcy stepped in to break the silence by saying “I can’t believe you’re sixteen V, I can’t help but think where did the time go? I feel so old right now”
I smile and reply “You’re only 19 D, you’re far from old. Maybe the past two years have flown by for you cause you were off at university but for me it’s felt like an eternity”
“I know it hasn’t been easy but look at that cake, you made it. You’re still here, alive and breathing. I know it doesn’t feel like much but that’s an accomplishment for someone like…” Darcy’s voice stops mid sentence as she realises what she’s just implied.
Casually I finish her sentence ’someone like me. D don’t worry about it.
“but Hun you’re not just that girl, you’re so much more. I’m very proud of you, Mom and Dad are too. Even though they have never showed it”
“Thank you for not telling them about, well you know everything. And if you don’t mind do you think we could keep my present a secret too? It’s just it would require some explanation, then secrets come up and old wounds are opened. We don’t remember him but Mom and Dad will never forget”
“V, since you’re going to go get help I think it’s time I told you the truth. You’ve been so fragile these past through years that I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you. But I do remember Tyson. I was shopping with Mom when the accident happened and I was 10 meaning you were 7 and he was 16. Dad was away on business like he always is and you and him were. Home, I mean. well. Just tell me right now exactly how you’re feeling honestly before I say the rest”
I paused trying to process what her words meant and felt the rumble of the ground I was on. The feeling of the light at the end of the tunnel and the realization that it’s a train coming your way.
“Ì want to know no matter what the cost I’m stronger then before just tell me”

She looks down and the floor, her expression puzzled and wondering but confusion are written in her every feature. Then finally the impact.
`Violet, you were in the car with him.”

The rest of the summer flew by and that smile never left Alex’s face. Whenever I asked all she ever said was “I’m great, I feel amazing” but I think we both know there’s no way in hell that’s true. I spent every day just waiting for it to hit her, until one day it happened. She woke up that morning and put on her smile, got ready, picked up her books and left for school. Wearing a brand new outfit as she walks through the doors you can feel the confidence seeping with every stride. Another new year at school, one year closer to her future that’s fast approaching. Under her breath she whispers “I can do this, I can do this.” “oh my god! Lexy!!!” a girls voice squeals. Alex turns around to see Jenny holding out her arms expecting a hug. “hey, how was your summer” Alex asks ignoring the open arms. With a quick look of embarrassment Jenny puts her arms back at her side and smiles “great! I missed you like crazy, did you hear about Lindsay? You’ve missed so much!” Alex looks down and says “yeah I guess.” “when did you get back?” “Well, um I never actually left” “You WHAT? I thought you were gone to your Dad’s in Vancouver. You could have called me, I’m so sorry. We could have hung out” “It’s okay I wanted to spend time with my brother, I didn’t see him like all last year so” When she finishes her sentence Jenny is staring at her in utter disbelief. As the silence settles between them thoughts creep into Alex’s head. Clouding her judgement and reminding her of what she did, it only takes a second for the first tear to fall. At first Jenny doesn’t notice until they’re streaming down like a water faucet they run with no chance of stopping. “Are you okay? Is it something I said? Alex?” All the questions go unanswered as she walks away. “No, not here” she whispers to herself. Reality wrestles denial as she fights for her sanity but in the end it’s no use. The tears are unstoppable and she can’t find her breath. Gasping and grasping for that little bit of air that seems just out of reach. She can feel her heart tearing itself apart. Her mind screams why. Why couldn’t it just work. Why am I still here. This life, my life is lost. I can never go back. “maybe you could” I whisper stepping out of the bathroom mirror “what are you doing here? I thought I said school was off limits no… you know what screw it, screw everything. Nothing f*ing matters any more, give me it” Alex’s voice is laced with regret but her eyes grow wide when her skin breaks. “things still matter Alex, take my advice, put me away and let yourself feel this, stop hiding from it. Ask for help. You’re old enough to seek counselling yourself. Please you can’t live like this.” “No, you shut up! Leave me alone do your job, make me go numb and go away. I don’t need help, I’m fine!” With the final words she falls to the ground, her body shakes and I see the blood seep through her jeans. Her tears are uncontrollable, the sobs grow louder. Her makeup is beyond ruined and her composure lays broken around her. The bells rings a familiar sound, normally Alex would be the first one in the class. But now, she lays on the floor, unmoving. Her hand goes over the wound and it goes warm and wet. The blood soaks her hand and her screams, well not really a scream more like a yelp. She tries to lift herself back to her feet but finds herself back on the ground. The cold, uncomfortable ground of the bathroom. I have to hand it to her she managed her drag herself into a stall so no one would have to see her. This girl doesn’t stand a chance alone. Alone brought her to this point and alone will take her away from this cold world. Time passes faster than expected, the bell sound makes her jump and she pulls herself up and wait for the break to end. When all goes quiet Alex slowly opens the door to the stall and examines herself in the mirror. Her face is puffy, her eyes bloodshot, her hand covered in blood and her perfect eyeliner has run beyond belief. Traumatized she shrugs it off and makes a choice that isn’t in her nature. She walks out the bathroom and out the doors of the school. She walks and walks without noticing where she’s going, the blood continues to run down her leg, she shutters at the feeling. When she finally lifts her head she finds herself staring at her front door. “What the… hell? How did I? Whatever” she mutters to herself. She searches for her key and struggles to unlock the door after the 5th try she succeeds. The house is silent and still, Alex holds her breath and waits for something but the silence holds its grips. Dazed and slightly confused she wonders throughout the halls of the house where she’s lived all her life but everything seems new. All the happy memories that go with each object are gone and are replaced with a strong hatred. Pressures rises in her chest as she stares at the posters, pictures and memories that fill the four walls of her bedroom. The pain that once seemed unbearable is snuffed out by rage. A rage this young girl has never known or let herself feel radiates from her very essence. She pauses a moments, lets herself take a breath before deciding what to do. With that one simple breath everything fades away until only exhaustion remains. She collapses where she stands, her mind drifts off into a deep sleep.

Many years ago two little girls were born on the same day in the same town and in the same hospital but let me tell you they were nothing alike actually they were total opposites. The first girl was chubby with dark eyes and light hair and from the moment she arrived into the world she screamed. The second was willowy with bright eyes and jet black hair but unlike the girl beside her she didn’t cry she stayed silent for such a long time that her parents thought she was stillborn. They were all waiting to hear her cry but she didn’t utter a sound. In fact she just stared up at the doctor and tried to smile but nothing happened except she turned an unnatural shade of blue.
Fast forward three years. 15 Moms and toddlers meet at the public library for play group and among them are Alexandria the meek and mild and Violet the wild child. Even at the tender age of 3 their personalities were obvious from the moment you met either of them. They were at either extreme so you would naturally assume they’d hate each other but something eerie drew them together. They were both dragging their Moms towards the same book and within a matter of minutes they became best friends.

Most childhood best friends don’t last more than a couple years but something held those two together. Throughout elementary school they played on the sidelines of all the other kids. At first lots of kids approached Alexandria wanting to be friends there was something mystic that made people drawn to her but she never really responded to them. Violet, once again was the opposite there was this sense of insecurity that seemed to seep from her essence it made all the other kids feel uneasy. So they kept as far away as possible which was a blow to her already low self confidence.

When kids reach middle school they start to change and move to different cliques and friends. Everyone except Violet and Alexandria they almost all their classes with each other and in the ones they were apart they may as well have been mute. This is really saying something about Violet who always seemed to have her mouth open, but when your temper controls you that’s just natural. They put headphones in and worked away in silence waiting until the bell would ring so their voices would be restored

To the people around them their friendship never seemed to change but something was wrong between them. It wasn’t a shallow problem that they could just laugh it off. It was things that they couldn’t even admit to themselves let alone each other. So guess what they did? They kept their mouths shut and worried about it in silence.

They went into high school and all their classmates they didn’t even bother trying to be friends with them because they knew they would be rejected and would never reach their inner circle. Alexandria’s Dad had moved out that summer which increased a little problem and Violet found a new way to cope with her illness. The transition into high school shook the foundation of their friendship when they both realised they were hiding the biggest parts of themselves from each other. The lies and secrets mounted and mounted as the months passed. I’m not so sure about Violet but Alexandria had come to terms with herself and had found a way to justify every lie. She also accepted Violet’s deflexions about whatever the hell she was hiding because hey she was hiding something too. Deep down she hoped and prayed that whatever Violet was keeping from her wasn’t the same thing she spent every day hiding. Alexandria was barely hanging onto reality the last thing she needed to be reminded of is how she spent every night.

Like I’ve previously stated these girls were best friends, were past tense. It wasn’t gradual that they drifted apart, oh no let me tell you it was messy and horrible. The higher you are the harder you fall. One warm June afternoon they were laying on Violet’s back deck by the pool taking a break from studying normally they’d be chatting but there was this unheard of silence that hung in the air. To anyone who was relatively close to the girls or maybe they noticed too, it was almost foreshadowing what happened next.

There was no beating around the bush they both went for the throat, demanding to know what was wrong. They met each attack with a deflection and it seemed like they would never get to the point

I have no idea what possessed Alexandria suddenly rolled up her shirt and show Violet what I’d done to her. I remember warning her every single day about how she had to hide it. I’d threaten her with the fact that the person would either get freaked out beyond belief or they’d make her stop. Maybe at that point she could have found a way out. Maybe if someone saw or reached out and offered her a different way or maybe if Violet wasn’t such a b**** about it.

What happens next is complicated I’m not even sure how to put it into words, it’s kinda like one of those you had to be there to really experience moments. It was real and terrifying to see everything come to light. I remember the look on Violet’s face when she turned and saw the scars. Her eye’s were huge, her eyebrows couldn’t have been raised higher and her mouth was frozen but most of all what gets me is the fact that she wasn’t truly horrified. Yes the shock was real but the rest I’ve always wondered about. Alexandria knew that Violet’s emotions were used to deflect how she was truly feeling but even knowing that wasn’t enough to save their friendship. She couldn’t figure out what was right in front of her so she walked away from the huge house on the hill with tears in her eyes and a clouded judgement when she sent that last text to the only girl she had ever truly known.

Alexandria was confident throughout this whole ordeal and the kids she’d known forever accepted her into their group like she’d always been there. No one ever questioned why she’d left the freaky fat girl they were just happy that Alex was finally where she belonged. The popular crowd.

The old saying is true opposites really do attract and they last until life gets in the way. If only they hadn’t been hurt by everyone else in their lives maybe they would have had the courage to open up and accept what the other was dealing with. Maybe they would have realised that life is harder on your own and that sometimes you need help. I have to admit I hate Violet for those cruel words but since that day Alexandria hasn’t been the same. She stopped caring about how deep the cuts went and how many there was. One event can really set the wheels in motion and up until a certain point the chain reaction can be stopped before the damage is permanent and life altering. Once that point has past well I guess the chances of you getting out alive gets smaller and smaller

“this is your third session Ms Davenport and I don’t think we’ve spoken ten words to one another. Why are you here? What can I do to help?” The therapist’s tender yet firm voice questions. I barely take a moment for her words to sink in before the words that should have been thought in my head were spilling out my lips “I had this all figured out, this is what I wanted. I knew the words and the problems that needed to be solved but now everything has changed.” “There’s a start! What changed since you decided you wanted therapy?” “You’re a complete stranger to me, I don’t even know your name and I doubt you know mine. I want to be open and to work through all of this but I don’t even know you” “Let’s start there then my name is Bonnie and I’ve lived here in Halifax all my life and for a random fact I write songs. What about you?” “I’m Violet but not after the color or the flower but because it means “her heart rules her head“. I’ve lived here all my life but I’ve been to five of the seven continents and to be random I like to attach mice to Doritos and see if they can fly! Just kidding I like write poetry.” “So my next question has to be a serious one, because it helps for me to know. First how old are you? And do your parents know that you’re seeking counselling ?” “I turned sixteen two weeks ago and no they don’t and I would like to keep it that way. I know the rules of therapy in this province so I know that I’m of age to make this choice and my parents don’t ever have to know about it” “someone did their homework! Yes, that is true. The girl who came in with you the first day. Tell me about her is she your bff? “ her voice chuckled on the last word. “Um, no actually she’s my sister Darcy, she’s three years older then me and is basically my only friend. I don’t have a “bff” as you would call it” I say with a hint of sarcasm. “so you said that you knew what you wanted until you got here but did your sister say something that has affected you in a negative way. Why are you now so unsure about taking this course of treatment?” “I had an older brother, his name was Tyson and on my birthday D decided that it was finally time to tell me the truth about how he died. She called it the family secret because they hid it from me all these years. I guess I’m afraid because the story she told me makes complete sense but I should remember! I should remember something about it but my memory is blank.” “Betrayal is a very strong emotion Violet, do you mind telling me what you used to know about his death and the reasons why you wanted help. Maybe once we work through those you’ll be able to handle the truth that you found out. Does that sound okay to you?” “ I guess my problem has always been the fact that I let my emotions rule me, sometimes I just can’t control them. No matter how hard I try. I’m in high school now and I don’t have any friends, well I used to have one but it didn’t work out. Because I f*ed it up, like always. I’ve developed some very bad habits and ways of dealing with the rejection of almost everyone who is in my life. Last April I ended up the in hospital because I was suicidal. Well I shouldn’t exactly say I was suicidal, I attempted suicide when my parents were on a charity mission and my sister was at University. I can feel myself getting worse every day. It’s such a struggle to lift myself out of bed every morning. I know in my heart that if I don’t confront my issues that they’ll kill me. I’ve kept my mouth shut for years but that just won’t cut it anymore. I’m here in front of you simply because I want my life back. I’m willing to do anything I just need to feel whole and pulled together.” I choke on the last words as the tears rise in my throat. “Here’s some Kleenex dear, if it’s not to hard can you tell me about what your family always told you about his death?” I pause a moment and string myself together long enough and then speak ”I don’t remember him at all they always said I was three when he died so that was why and there was never any pictures around the house, I thought it was cause they didn’t want to be reminded. When I was eleven my mom took me to church and explained that Tyson had gotten into a car accident but it wasn’t really an accident. He meant to die. I’ve never been to his grave before, hell I don’t even know where it is. I don’t know when his birthday is or what day he died.” “thank you for sharing that with me. You have something that I wish I could see a lot more of in my teenage patients, determination. Most are dragged in here by their parents and don’t give a damn about making their lives better. Most of them can’t look past Friday night let alone five years into the future. I’ll let you in a little secret. Therapy only works if you want it too. If you’re willing to give it your all no matter how difficult it is. You’ll be able to survive anything. I’m proud of you Violet Davenport. Are you okay with seeing me again next week? Say Tuesday at 4:30?” “That sounds great to me, Thanks Bonnie” for the first time in awhile I smile at someone and mean it. Hm maybe there’s something about therapy after all. stay tuned for more