Chapter I

"he was looking for a purpose...

and then he met her.”

-vedha nagpal

_________________________________________________Oliver Parker. The boy with the soft curls that fell in cinnamon swirls. The boy with the green eyes that spoke to nature. His eyes seemed to sparkle in the night and speak to the deepest parts of my heart. 

Oliver Parker. A name I have only known for a few moments but has seemed to etched itself across my heart. I don’t know what it’s about him. Maybe it is the low rumble of his voice and how it soothes me or the way his dreamy eyes seem to twinkle down upon me...but a heaviness in the bottom of my heart tells me I know him. As ridiculous as it sounds, it’s like I have known him in my previous life. All I know is that it feels like I have spent an eternity with Oliver but it could never be enough. 

As soon as my words register, I shake off my gormless thoughts. ‘It feels like I have spent an eternity with him?’ Seriously? Who am I now, Romeo? 

‘I am pathetic; I don’t deserve anything good in this world’ I remind myself yet again. I shake off the giddiness I feel when I catch sight of him staring at me with a look of pure adoration. 

His content look soon morphs into one filled with worry; I notice how he doesn’t pity me like the others…

“Avelynn, you need to tell me what’s wrong...” he says softly as if one sour word could shatter me to pieces. I immediately scowled at him; I despise when people treat me like I’m fragile...like I’m someone who would burst into tears at any moment. That’s when it all hits me; he’s lying. He doesn’t care, of course, he doesn't! No one cares about me.

‘I am pathetic. I don’t deserve anything good in this world’.

I can’t believe I actually thought he was concerned; that he actually cared. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open them, I know they reflect the emptiness in my chest.

“You want to know what’s wrong? Every single day I wake up, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I have to spend every second tolerating this unbearable pain inside of me. All I ever want is to end this misery called my life! Do you want to know what’s wrong? Every time I stare at the mirror to see my face, I feel disgusted! I hate who I am and I just want it all to stop!” I sorrowfully yell at him. I can feel the tears now streaming down my face but I don’t care. The only thing I can feel right now is that monster inside of me...the monster that wants to crawl out and take over. The monster called death. “I just want it all to stop,” I whisper brokenly.  

I don’t meet his eyes, I know what I will find. I don’t want to see him look at me with disgust; just like everyone else in my life. 

Nevertheless, I look up to meet his forest green eyes because I know I deserve it, I know I deserve all the hatred in the world. But when I look up I don’t find the hatred, disgust, or pity that I was expecting. Instead, I find a distraught look filled with pain. 

He looks broken like everything pure in the world has disappeared. In his beautiful jade eyes, I find pure agony. It physically hurts me to see him like this but I have to remind myself that I don’t care...I don’t even know anything about him.

“Avelynn, why? Why don’t you see how admirable you are? Why would you want...” he whispers with a broken voice. I can hear the pain and anguish behind it. My heart stings to know I was the cause of such pain. It’s always me. I always manage to destroy everything in my path. Nonetheless, I reply because I know he needs it.

“You don’t understand, Oliver. I despise the person who I am. I don’t have a reason anymore; I don’t have a reason to take another breath.” I reply with the same hopelessness that fills me every day. The same feeling of dread that consumes me at the thought of living to see another day…

The same look of pain seemed to subside and a new sense of determination seemed to cloud his eyes. He spoke with a newfound purpose but even I could hear the underlying sadness. “Avelynn Miller, will you give me a chance? Give me 10 days. Every day, I will give you a reason; a reason to live, a reason to cherish. If, by the end of the 10 days, you still can’t bear to live anymore...I won’t stop you.” I could feel the desperation coming off of him in waves. I could see his eyes fill with doubt with every passing second that I remained quiet. The silence seemed to stretch between us as he waited for my answer. I could hear my heart beating loudly in my chest as I said the next few words that would undoubtedly change everything…

“Yes, Oliver Parker, I accept.” I say boldly because I knew I would chicken out if I didn’t. Even though my mind told me this was a bad idea, the bubbling in my heart told me I had made the right decision. All my doubts flew out the window when the brown-haired boy seemed to smile widely at me with his twinkling jade eyes. 

At that moment I knew one thing for sure...this is just the beginning...

Chapter II

“they call her broken,

he calls her his miracle.

they see scars,

he sees love.”

-Medha Nagpal

_________________________________________________

“Yes, Oliver Parker, I accept.” 

The words I said last night with such conviction have been spinning through my mind. 

All I said were these few words and they have managed to turn my world upside down. 

Seriously? What kind of an idiot accepts such a challenge? Apparently, an imbecile like me. After I accepted his ‘proposal’ per se, Oliver drove me home. Since last night, I have been spending my time staring at my ceiling and contemplating the mess I have thrown myself into. 

I have concluded that I, Avelynn Miller, am delusional. All the fantasies I was having encircling Oliver were simply that; fantasies. I had one chance; one chance to end all the pain but he snatched it with his bare hands. I had been preparing for the one moment when I would take my last step and fall; fall into eternity without emotions, without pain. I would be surrounded by darkness and I would enjoy every second of it.

Unlike most people, I enjoy the idea of death. I cherish the concept of ending my pain in this world and being able to leave it all behind. While most people fear the idea of death, I gasp in its glory. And I had it. My wishes had finally come true...but Oliver Parker took it all away from me. Most people would be glad that they were stopped from making such a decision, or others may take it as a positive sign. I, however, didn’t know how to feel about it. Most people don’t understand what it feels like to need to end the misery. They don’t understand the clawing monster that lives in your heart; the one who plants doubts in your head. 

My mind tells me I should be displeased. Livid, really. However, all I can think about when it comes to Oliver is how his forest green eyes seemed to glow in the dark. Or how his soft brown curls fell on his face perfectly. When it came to Oliver Parker, my brain seemed to turn into mush. Just the thought of the green-eyed boy sends chills down my spine and causes my heart to start beating erratically. It confuses me, really, the effect he seems to have on me. The thought of the amount of control he has over my feelings terrifies me to no extent…

Nevertheless, when it comes to him, I am willing to take all the risks in the world. 

Which is the only reason I have agreed to meet him tonight. Oliver insisted that we get to know each other inside and out...his words not mine. Although, the truth was I was looking forward to our rendezvous. The bubbling feeling in my stomach and the euphoric feeling that seemed to consume me proved my point. Anyhow, Oliver suggested we meet at the small cafe downtown and I couldn’t turn down the sweet offer. The cafe is my absolute favorite corner in the world. The homely and hospitable atmosphere makes me feel safe to be myself. It was almost as if Oliver knew it was a place I treasured. I shake off my puzzling thoughts and head over to the cafe.

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As soon as I enter through the squeaky burgundy doors, I’m hit with the strong aroma of coffee. The familiar rich scent of roasted beans instantly puts my nerves at ease. I immediately find myself trying to catch sight of the familiar pair of alluring jade eyes. To my disappointment, I realize he is yet to arrive. I don’t miss how my heart seemed to drop and my mood seems to instantly sour at the absence of the light-hearted boy. I refuse to acknowledge my bizarre reaction and instead head over to the available table that lies in the corner of the cafe. 

As I take a seat on the snug burnt umber couch and impatiently wait for the effervescent boy. Soon enough I find myself struck with an idea for a melody of a song I’m writing. I reach for my music notebook and start jotting down notes in a haste. Music has always been my escape; the only way I can escape reality even if it is only for a few hours. I lose myself in my music and start humming the tune to myself. 

Lost in the moment,

Blinded in the lights,

Clouded with doubts,

A soul has gone astray.

Wandering through the woods,

Hidden amongst the fear,

A forbidden love prevailed. 

“That was truly exquisite,” the ethereal voice I had been dreaming about seemed to whisper behind me. I swiftly turn around wishing Oliver Parker did not just hear me sing like an imbecile. I expected to find amusement or even repulsion in his eyes but what I saw made my knees go weak and my heart stop. Oliver’s eyes seemed to glow with admiration and wonder. The sight instantly made heat rush to my cheeks and my heartbeat erratically. 

“I wasn’t aware you wrote your own music and sang...” he said softly while deeply looking into my eyes. The intensity of his stare caused me to dismissively stutter out my reply, “Yeah-h I just writ-te music for fun. It’s my escape from the harsh reality we live in,”. 

His eyes seemed to be filled with a sort of tenderness only he could portray. Once again, I find myself lost in the way his soft chartreuse green eyes seemed to brighten the world. It felt like one look into those eyes and a person would find themselves entranced. His sweet voice interrupted my fantasies, “I find that admirable Avelynn. I can see how much your music means to you”. I find myself shyly agreeing as I reply, “Yeah, I just find it such a beautiful and ethereal way to express myself. With music, I can share stories and moments filled with magic; I find it celestial.” The giddiness in my chest was back now that I realized Oliver found my music admirable. The brown-haired boy has seemed to have given me something in the few moments that I have known him that I haven’t had in a long time; hope. The kind of raw and angelic hope that glows within your heart; the kind of hope that consumes you. A shred of hope that has shown me a glimpse into a future; a future filled with joy and love…

Oliver leans in next to me and softly whispers in my ear. I find myself completely paralyzed as I hear his next words, “Reason one...Music.”