Click click! Click, click…click. Click. Click, click, click…click! Click!! …click. Click, click click, click…click… Click!!!

And finally, we have our first sentence: “This is my essay.” Only eighteen uneven, laborious “clicks” were required to form this great sentence in literature. Only billions more needed to actually write an essay and then go back to edit it! With ten fingers and a QWERTY keyboard, the successors of the Industrial Revolution must have meant for us to type with two fingers only. Maybe three. But that’s pushing it. Then again, maybe we can all just type with our thumbs and solve the problem of not being able to see the letters on our keyboards – if evolution gave us these thumbs, we should maximize efficiency for at least one!

Lunatics come up with all sorts of revolting ideas nowadays, from the promotion of reading to playing sports for health. Touch-typing is just another such idea. The 95 Theses to the Catholics of the time should be the equivalent of the idea of learning to type properly to society today. The heretics creating Mario and shark spelling games should be burned. The Princess young children try to save in Mario should be burned for forcing naïve angels to type “fad sad lad had” over and over again.

People, what have we come to? What happened to the good old days when people used only one finger to write by running it through dirt? Our society should have moved forwards, not backwards! So please, remember this the next time you sit before a screen: type with as few fingers as possible. Click click! Click…click, click… Click click! Click…click. Click.

“The End”