My name in English has Irish roots, and means pure. Coincindentally, my Chinese name also has the same meaning. To me, it is a green field of small wild flowers, with the blue sky overhead and fluffy white clouds overhead and a soft quiet breeze blowing across the meadow. It is the untouched, undisturbed serenity of a gem-like lake nestled at the base of the Alpine Mountains, the water so clear that sunlight shines right to the bottom where the countless smooth, shining pebbles and stones sit.

My name was the identity given to me by my parents at birth. They disliked Elizabeth, which was thought to be too hard for my Asian grandparents to pronounce, and shook their heads at Emma, which sounds like 爱骂 (Ài mà) , or “loves to scold others” in Chinese. Mom and Dad finally decided that Kaitlyn sounded very pretty, so onto the birth certificate she went.

My Chinese name was decided for me by my grandpa on my dad’s side. Newly diagnosed with lung cancer, he decided that I would be called 怡清 (Yí qīng). Everybody knew he was slowly nearing his death, so nobody cared to argue or suggest a different name for me. The name acts as a memory of him, one of his dusty fading footsteps he placed into the ground of the Earth.

I also have two different last names for the two languages I speak, which causes many people to look at me weirdly. This may be one of the reasons why that I have associated my names as two separate cultures and identities for many years. Kaitlyn goes to school in the States. She speaks in English with her teacher and classmates, swims and practices piano daily at home, and doesn’t write one Chinese character on her homework. 怡清 is Chinese; she goes to Chinese school over the weekends, frequently travels to China to visit her grandparents, and is capable of interpreting the most of the menu in a Chinese restaurant. However, over time  I have learned to blend these two cultures into one; I get the best of both worlds and so many more perks that others don’t have.

Names are such interesting things. It’s quite funny that two people that have never met you once in their entire life get to decide what you will be called; it’s like giving a seven-year old child the task of watching your house the entire week. Your name is a huge part of your identity. It is who other around you will see as. It is who the world will know you as. A name basically represents who you are, and it really sucks if you don’t like it. Good thing I’m satisfied with my names. Even though I took no part in deciding what I would be called, even though I’m sometimes still uncomfortable by my two different last names, and even though it took me a while to stop associating my names as two entirely different parts of me, I have finally put them together and learned to embrace both. I am Kaitlyn. I am 怡清. I am both Kaitlyn and 怡清.