Why am I so stupid? That’s what I told myself the night before my big math test. I felt like I could not do anything right. My mom tried to help with the pain that was poking me in the back of my head but she just made it worse.  All I wanted to do was skip school. I didn’t feel prepared. I was so stressed out from balancing soccer and school. Although I studied for over 2 hours reviewing every single thing I learned, I went to sleep with a feeling in my veins that I was going to FAIL. I hate failure. It is the worst feeling ever. What is wrong with me? I should have been dreaming of getting an A and feeling so confident, I knew that, but my mind was in a different direction. I woke up in the morning, eyes puffy and rain dripping down my window. The thunder wailed and the lighting glowed across the dark early morning sky. The darkness grinned as if it was there to scare off little kids. I walk into the school doors not ready to conquer this day. 

“Clara, are you ready for the test today?” 

“Yes, I feel so prepared.”

Shoot!! How does she feel confident? Oh no! I hope and pray that I do good. I realize that I forgot my lunch and I think that it is a sign. I am going to do terribly. I have an ache in my stomach and I want to crawl inside my own body and escape the school. 

I look and see the bad grade I got on the last test. It’s a C. That is not very much help. I lost all confidence in myself from that last test, so I don’t think I will get a good grade... Going into the test I know failure is staring at me from every angle. Nerves scattered across my body grabbing onto my fingers and toes. 

I get the test and forget every single thing that I studied. I see everyone else in my class writing stuff down, but I don’t know what to write. All I have written is my name, Addy. I feel like a little kid in a room full of smart adults. Every single thing I studied disappeared from my mind like dropping cotton candy into a cup of water.  The other 8 kids in my class looked almost hypnotized to write the right answers down and know everything. Why does this always happen? Everyone is going to make fun of me. I am never going to graduate high school. Why can’t I do anything right? My stomach twisted and I felt dizzy. Tick tock tick tock. The minutes go by in the short 48-minute period. What should I do?

I think about cheating, but I know that is not the right thing to do. Cheating is the worst thing that I could do right? I really want to though!! I take many deep breaths to calm my nerves, but nothing is working. It’s almost like I can see myself in the future dreading the moment when I finally get my test score back. I decided to take a bathroom break to calm myself and hope everything I studied randomly would appear back into my spinning mind. Standing in the bathroom I feel as if I am never going to succeed. I don’t know why though, I thought studying was the trick. I guess not. I walk back into class and start to try to write as my pencil slips through my sweaty palms. I write down as much as I know. Not many more questions, power through!

Staring at my test I reviewed each question trying to pull any piece of brain power I have left. I turned in my test last. Now I could only hope that somehow I got most questions correct. I smell and feel failure walking behind me as I walk to my locker to text my parents. I hear everyone else in the class saying how easy the test is. My eye twitches and I feel a tear dripping down my face. No, I can't cry. I take a few deep breaths and know everything will be okay. Why do I have anxiety? Why can't I be normal? 

I text my parents. I say I am so stupid. I know I just failed. What should I do? They replied back with, You did your best and that is all that matters. I am sorry you feel you didn’t do well. You can not always be perfect and the best. Hmm, I understand what they are saying a little bit. I guess, It won't make or break if I get into college. Thinking about that reassures me that my life doesn't depend on one test grade, for some reason I am still disappointed in myself. I know it's okay to be disappointed though. I text them back with I guess I don’t have to be perfect, but I want to be :)

The sun finally seeped through the clouds. I felt a warm sensation hit the back of my neck. During the 7th bell, I have been on the tip of my seat waiting and waiting for the grade to be in. My mind has been spinning since the first minute I walked into school. I checked Schoology. I saw a D. A punch in the gut. Deep breathes Addy. I wanted to cry and complain to my parents, but then I realized that I should listen to them and believe in myself. I now know I don’t have to be so extravagant when it comes to school. Although I didn’t have the choice to retake it or fix my answers I decided to forget about my score. I just wanted to not think about it. I needed to move on to do well on my next test. 

I heard cars across the street on the bus ride home and thought to myself, even though I didn’t get the outcome that I wanted, I learned that I can not always be perfect. It is important to study hard, but having a positive mentality is the main way I will get a good grade. I am my biggest enemy. Science test tomorrow and I know I will think positive. I can do this.