We go together perfectly. Like macaroni and cheese or like shoes with laces. She’s the missing piece to my jigsaw puzzle. I guess I should say that she was. Kailynn isn’t here anymore though. Now, my puzzle can’t be completed. My shoes can’t be tied, and the macaroni is bitter. Everything that was once “picture perfect” is now a picture of a disaster.

When I found out about her accident, I felt so many different emotions that I could barely keep up. Somehow, I managed to find a light in the dark. If I could change one thing about my life, it would definitely be letting her down. I disappointed her and I ruined our friendship. They say everything happens for a reason, but so far I haven’t found one yet. Everyone has that one friend that they would be absolutely devastated if they lost them. Well that is how I feel all the time now.

Every day for almost two years, I wake up every day hoping he will just give her back. I understand that it’s a completely illogical thought and it could never happen, but I’ll never stop wishing he would. Kailynn and I used to talk every chance we got. Then, we began drifting further and further apart until one day, she just stopped messaging me. She just never texted back, and that was all I’d known. That was the last day I had spoken to her. On December 11th, 2012. She took her life on December 14th, 2012.

There is something about that day that will always be unclear to me. Mostly, it’s why. You know that feeling you get when someone tells you they have a surprise for you, but they won’t tell you what it is? Well this is exactly like that. The emptiness, the confusion, the pure curiosity. The only difference between the two, was with surprises there is excitement and happiness but with Kailynn’s nonexistent explanation. It was pure pain and torture.

It’s a never ending sadness. Just an endless supply of hurt. I never know what to expect out of my emotions. Some days I’m so mad at her! Other days I just feel an agonizing pain because I refuse to admit that she is dead, and I never will. I just can’t do it. I hate that she isn’t here with me anymore. I know that’s really selfish, but it’s true. I needed her like people need warmth, children need parents, and flowers need water.

Earlier, I made a reference that I wished “he” would give her back to me. By “he”, I meant God. I believe in him at times, and others I think he was never here to begin with. The bottom line though is that she’s out there somewhere. I don’t believe she just disappeared. I know where her body is, but is Kailynn’s soul still trapped inside with everything she was ever afraid of? With all those terrible things she saw when she turned the lights out at night? I’ll never really know but I do know I’ve felt her all around me. I know she’ll always be here for me, just like before. Some things never change. Like the fact that no matter where she is, I’ll always be here to comfort her when she finally comes home.