When someone leaves you, you are then familiarized with the stages of grief: anger, sadness, disbelief, etc. But there’s one they don’t seem to talk about, or just maybe no one else feels it. Nothing. You feel absolutely nothing towards anyone or anything.

When I was eight my grandfather died, and it was a death that was expected. He had always been a sickly man, and it just wasn’t in the cards for him to live a long life. So when he died, I reacted like I should have. The death was expected, so the loss seemed easy to cope with. Dealing with death at a young age just seems so morbid. With each person that even glanced at me, I felt like they were judging me. Every glance that was shot in my direction made me feel like I had become the kid in the time out corner. With each cold look, I sank lower and lower into my chair, hoping not to be seen at a place where I should have stuck out and been welcomed with open arms. Soon enough, the wake and funeral were said and done with and I could continue on with my life as I wanted to.

Time flies. I was in my junior year of high school and the next thing I knew my grandma was dying. I had already succumbed to grief once, I wasn’t sure if I was able to do it again. The emotions that come with death are overwhelming, whether you’re ready for them or not. The last few months of grandma’s life flew by, and the ugly monster reared its head again. The tie that held the family together had left us and the family was left in shambles. That is, except for I.

Deep down, I truly felt nothing and it made me I wonder if there was something truly wrong with me. I felt obligated to mourn, but I felt like I couldn’t. Like I was actually incapable of the process. Mourning and grief are funny things. They affect us all differently, but it seems like we all show the same signs. So why was I different? Why couldn’t I just mourn and get it over with? I felt like an awful person. Deep down, I knew that I loved my grandma. Sobbing didn’t prove that I loved her, but feeling absolutely nothing didn’t help my case either.

Walking into the funeral home for the wake, I mentally prepared myself. I don’t do well with tears, and my grandma was one of the most loved women in town—not a good combination. You would think that seeing my grandma lie in the casket would make it real for me. Maybe I thought I was just dreaming. That’s why I was feeling nothing. I felt alone too. My family was unified by the feeling of grief and I was the outcast. They thought I was putting on a brave face, but little did they know I didn’t have to put anything on. It wasn’t a charade, it was what I was feeling.

I accepted condolences, handshakes, and hugs that day, but I knew some of them didn’t care. Saying “I’m sorry,” then going home to a happy household seemed unfair to me. I felt a twinge of anger. Saying “I’m sorry,” wasn’t going to bring my grandma back. Feeling something felt good, but it disappear as soon as it would show its face. I just wanted to why feelings wouldn’t stay with me. Being angry would have been better than nothing. I needed to feel something soon, or I knew I would lose my mind.

The next day was the funeral, and I had expected it to go the same as the wake did. Me just going through the motions. After we were all seated in the church, I felt different than I had the past couple days. I finally felt something— it finally hit me that I was losing my grandma. And I broke down. Everyone else was almost all teared-out, and I was just beginning. My mom asked me if I needed to leave. Letting go of my grandma in that moment was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was something that I had to do.

Saying good bye to someone is never easy, and how we cope with it can be confusing. I experienced first-hand how grief can affect you by making you feeling absolutely nothing. I’ll never really understand why I didn’t feel anything, but grief isn’t able to explain itself.