"Why do I have to be so stupid?" I think to myself as I sit contemplating all that went wrong. It was always me who I was too late and regrets being too chicken and missing out. I was that kind of doofus. But as much as I tell myself that just fate- the world just wanted to trick you. It always happened the second before I got over my fear of explaining my feelings. I knew that it was my fault. I've written thousands upon thousands of words about waiting and falling in love, it is time I stop waiting and open up. This is my story.

It was half way through my twelfth year, the year when everything began to change. I was young and naive, a girl so caught up in her fleeted "fat phase" that she could not see what she had become. The ugly, fat, child had left my body and gave me a thin girl who was pretty, not gorgeous just pretty. I was back to the only place I felt comfortable. It was the only place which i fit in, had friends, was popular. And there he was.

he was a boy (he is a he. Of course he's a boy. Sorry I told you I was stupid). But I thought he was adorable. Everything he did was adorable. The blush of his cheeks the way he stays calm even when he said something ridiculous, I was hooked. That whole summer I spent watching him. Let me tell you I was not stalking, I was observing. I kept it all inside of me because I thought I had no chance- I would just be mocked. Him and I became friends actually, which was became another reason why I kept my feelings bottled up inside me.

Later that year I encountered him again. I had mostly gotten over him, but the appeal was not completely gone. Him and I reconnected in those short hours. I was sure we were going to be friends again... Until he asked me out. It was the most awkward thing to happen to me. I pretended to not hear him to give him the chance to take back his words. Instead he tells me it again, I wanted to smack him. I gave him the answer of "IDK" and pushed it along for a week trying to decide whether I would take the chance or not. I decided not. I barely knew him, and I didn't feel like arising my past feelings. He knew I was going to say no. For weeks him and I would text constantly, talk about everything. But the problem was my feelings came back, and worse than that summer. A month after he first asked me out I thought I was in love. I was obsessed with the boy. But once again I would not talk to anyone about my feelings. I encountered him later that month, and I knew if he asked me again, I would say yes. But he didn't ask me. He took his rejection and left it. I was absolutely devastated. Him and I continued to text throughout the rest of that year. At one point we became best friends, it was great. But the next month I asked him a stupid question. Why he ever liked me. he said it was my personality and that I was pretty, I was happy for the rest of that week. When he asked why I asked him te question I told him I was curious. I'm sure he knew that I was lying, but part of me wasn't lying. I wanted to know why he felt the way he did.

The next summer him and I had been best friends for around six months. I enjoyed talking to him, and who knows why he continued to talk to me. We were awkward for several days for the last time I had seen him he had proclaimed his love for me. The crush that died down that April came back. I thought he was long over me, and that was okay. His friends kept making fun of him, and I was hinted that maybe he still liked me. I had a formal confirmation from one of these friends, and even though I pretended to be slightly creeped out by the fact he had not gotten over me, I loved it. When we were fooling around with "hot lists" I jokingly asked him what his list was. "Isn't it obvious? Have you forgotten the fall?" Butterflies pounded my stomach, I was truly happy.
"I tried." I said
"So did I, but I couldn't." The words in that short conversation made me so jovial I smiled all night. Everyone except him noticed. All summer everyone was trying to get him to kiss me, I was perfectly fine with it, but if anyone mentioned it I rolled my eyes. He wanted to kiss me but he wanted to respect my feelings. All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs that he had my feelings all wrong! We spent weeks after that with friends trying to get us together, and us being awkward towards each other. He thought I wished for us to be platonic, despite people's talk of me returning his feelings.

There was a day that almost killed me. We were talking, I thought he was going to ask me to date him again. I was incorrect by a long shot. He starts to talk about how a girl he liked in June said she liked him. I wanted to tell him that I feel the exact same way. Later that night he got a message from one a friend screaming about how he should just ask me if had ever had a crush on him. I was ready to tell him. I was ready to be free. He said he was waiting for me to tell him without anyone forcing me. I am a girl who is afraid of speaking her feelings. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I told him to go after the other girl because she can make him happy- and I know it would take me forever to be able to tell him. I regret liking him last summer, even though I know now he shared the feelings. Then I would be out of this mess. And I wouldn't be such a mess.

I've taught myself to stop falling in love because every time I fall I break, and I'm tired of being broken. But if you are reading this I want you to know, that I can't stop myself from falling in love with you.