"What would you say if I told you I was gay?"

The words slipped out as I nervously paced back and forth while every thought that I have ever had passed through my mind at a rapidly increasing pace.

My mother paused for a minute before replying, and every thought of mine stopped. "That would be really hard for me."

I felt these words in my chest. I felt them force my stomach to drop. Immediately my record for not crying in front of people was broken. Why had I been so stupid? Obviously my religious and conservative mom would have a problem with it. I don't know why I was expecting a better response.

The thing that continuously haunts me is the phrase she used: "hard for me." Hard for you? Can you even imagine how hard it is for me now? I not only lost friends because of ignorance and "discomfort", but I also lost my own mother's trust and acceptance, something so important to me, rips me apart every time I think about it. I have always tried so hard to be the good kid that everyone could be proud of. And to have this one fact shatter all of my life's effort in one conversation was internally crushing

The most ironic part about this whole situation is that what started with one truth, me wanting to share something important to me with my mother, led to an endless trail of lies. I had never been much of a liar, and I still ache inside when I think about all the lies I have told now. At the time they felt necessary for my sanity, but now I'm wondering what sanity even is.

Even if I'll never get the acceptance and support from my mother that I want, I know that I can always rely on the friends that have stuck with me through this. And even though I constantly regret telling my mother, I feel better getting it "off my chest" than I did keeping it to myself.