how you know you care too much

You miss the good times, staying up until the early hours of morning on a school night. hearing the crack in his voice. That's how you knew he was tired. You read him like the back of your hand.

You could read him better than anybody else. You knew when he was upset and when something good happened. It's the little things you payed attention too.

He didn't pay any at all.

Your heart breaks when you hear the hitch of his breath. You know he's crying on the other line of the phon. It hurts you knowing that there's you can do but say "it's okay it's not your fault". The heavy breathing continues

You want it to stop because every tear that falls down his face falls on yours ten times worse. Knowing what it was from kills you.

You begin to feel the pain.

When his name lights up on your phone it gives you a sense of accomplishment. Going from where we started last year to inseparable best friends. You're proud of yourself, you haven't cared this much in a while.

He got too close

Your grades rise to the roof. You're finally out of your bad state, things have never been better.

I was wrong

We couldn't talk much outside of school just because of time. Late April, early May. You were determined to make things work out and keep it how it was. He wasn't. You were everything and nothing to him at the same time.

It ends

You do this to everyone. They all
leave and its because of you. You didn't see the pattern until now.

It all came crashing down.

You're not mad at him when it all goes down. You learn to hide your emotions like your best friend hides that he wanted to ditch you the whole time. Yet you refuse to be upset at him. He will find someone so much better than you.

You couldn't hurt him

You think maybe he still cares but his eyes didn't glow like they used too. All you see is a green void filled with sadness and stress.
The stress that you caused.

It was because of you.

Or so you thought.

Wrong.

Nobody has cared more than you. You would give the world and the most he would give back is a one word text.

Hurt

You try and make conversation. It never works. You be yourself but then remember that he stopped talking to you because of yourself.
Your heart skips a beat

You stop.

Feet frozen in the ground heart beating a thousand beats per minute. Checking your pulse and thinking. I need to calm down. But you couldn't as much as you did all the breathing techniques it just made you think why you got back here in the first place.

What's worse looking jealous or crazy? You weren't either, just broken.

Felt like you stopped breathing but it wasn't sadness. it was anger, disappointment, anxiety and most of all fear.

disappointment. You let this happen. It's late at night. 2 am. You see his name on your screen. The phone rings and rings until you get the courage to pick up the phone. You're up because of him. You answer, get the question why are you up. Why do you care you think? He doesn't and you remember that so you don't fall so hard your ribs break and your lungs feel like they need to be free, but you don't say that. You answer back with a shaky voice knowing he could read what was wrong because he always has been able too. Then he called me out. Stop lying. Your heart dropped to the floor and everything gets worse you couldn't tell him he's got you so bad. You held your breath until you almost couldn't. You waited until it was slightly back to normal. Everything was fine. You had forgotten how well you two worked as friends. Conversation always flowed nicely, or at least that's how he thought. You were holding back everything you needed to say to him in fear of him being upset. When all it did was make you worse. Your heart skips a beat

anger. You knew friends wasn't going to work. Your friends didn't like him. My friends despised you. They saw how hurt i was. That's the only thing they could be Mad about.You lied to me when you said it wasn't working because of my friends. It was because of me. It was a thousand feelings at once. The fact that someone who knew everything about you now can't even talk to you without something being wrong. You would do anything to make sure they're okay but they wouldn't do the same for you. Not even close actually. Yourheart skips a beat.

anxiety. Hands trembling trying to type a response back that makes it look like you're okay. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say. You hide everything. Find yourself saying little white lies every other word. He knows you're lying. He knows you better than you can navigate your house. He knows you better than you know the back to your hand. he's trying for forget. He has someone else on his mind now and there's nothing you can do but pretend like you're happy. You're not. Your heart skips two beats this time.

Fear. It doesn't feel normal. Fear is drink bleach you’re afraid of the dark and ghosts. Childhood fears. Ive never been so wrong. Fear is being scared that he'll never be able to look at you the same way. Fear is losing all your friends you call family. Fear is knowing he'll never talk to you again, it'll always be someone else. Fear is being so scared you'll go back to where you were in July. The late nights staring at the ceiling asking yourself “why am I even alive?” Fear is failure, I've never failed more. Failure isn't the 85 you got on your essay that you worked so hard on. It's not a grade. It's a feeling. Knowing you've failed yourself and someone else. I've never failed more.
My heart stops.

you can't fix it now

it'll take time to fix me now

how you know you care too much.

-db