A green, plastic cutting board covered with scars expressed its desperate plea earlier this week to decrease the gender gap. It claimed that improving employment opportunities and decreasing the income gap for women are the only ways that the cutting boards it represents could ever hope for more humane treatment from their human owners.

The scarred plastic board, with counterparts in every household in the country, can only tremble in apprehension when faced with the results of gender inequality as its owner approaches it knife in hand. Without the chances of a proportionate paycheck, the woman left to care for the house can only relieve her stress through the abuse of the waiting cutting board.

“When she pulls out the serrated blades, I know she’s feeling particularly frustrated, and I can only cower and wait for the inevitable,” said the board as it shuddered in recollection. “I know she doesn’t do it on purpose; she’s just a helpless victim passing on her misfortune….” After a noticeable pause, it claims to be one of the lucky few, having lasted two decades since it was manufactured. “I hear so many stories of cousins that are cleaved straight through in one massive strike; they are then replaced by a younger unlucky board to face the same fate.”

After a few minutes to recover from a panic attack, the board calmly continued.

“If only the root of her frustrations could be alleviated, then I could hope for proper treatment, maybe even repair from all these pits and slash marks!” Stepping up to fight for better treatment led the plastic implement to the conclusion that providing the same quality of employment and wages for women as for men would alleviate the abuse of kitchen tools and appliances by providing wholesome and worthwhile career choices for women to properly relieve stress with. “I wouldn’t even mind her husband using me on a regular basis; maybe being shared by two humans would make them more considerate about the visible marks they leave.”

The polyethylene board expressed a sense of urgency tinged with extreme terror as it described its owner’s mental state. “It didn’t start like this. Every time those monstrous blades come towards me – I know it’s not their fault or choice and they’re facing a similar plight to that of us cutting boards – her eyes lose a little more compassion; the blade comes down just a little bit heavier.” The now-hysterical board added, “The slow progression only adds to the daily torture.”

“I can only imagine the paradise that could result from her fair treatment. I could then appreciate the fragrant touch of quality ingredients, and the enticing caress of a well maintained knife held by a gentle and careful hand. And that heavenly smile! If only this fantasy would become reality, I wouldn’t have to fear my ultimate annihilation. I might even live long enough to face retirement!”