maybe next time | Teen Ink

maybe next time MAG

March 1, 2009
By hillary811 GOLD, Bozeman, Montana
hillary811 GOLD, Bozeman, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 3 comments

you’re as sweet as the sugar pan of rio
the words dripped from your mouth
like water from a leaky faucet
i’ve been meaning to fix it
but just haven’t had the time
or so they say.

the look in your eyes
like straight black coffee
no sugar, no cream, no nothing
almost makes me wince the first hot sip
trickling down my throat
still swollen from your kisses.

surviving off a staple diet
of lattes – extra foam
sleep crusted at the corners of my eyes
doesn’t let me forget last night.
not yet.
flannel shirts against my cheek,
tear-stained and puffy,
but when is it not.
sour gummy worms snake through my throat
as slippery as your glances in the hall
dripping with disdain.

you’re too good for me,
you once said to me over a coconut macaroon
and a grande chai,
too hot still.
you told me I didn’t deserve this
damn right I didn’t deserve it.
and here you are now, wondering why I left.
wondering why I turned away when you told me to go.
I didn’t think it was that hard of a concept
to follow words as simple as those.

sleep drifts in and out of the window
like coffee at two in the morning
trying to stay awake, desperate to sort out my thoughts before I can lay my head down
but it doesn’t seem to be working.

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This article has 94 comments.

on Aug. 16 2010 at 3:12 pm
MelanieLouise PLATINUM, Plymouth, Minnesota
37 articles 0 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
to live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong

bloody brilliant. keep writing, Mel.

on Jul. 11 2010 at 11:01 pm
SaltwaterRoom PLATINUM, Scottsdale, Arizona
38 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it."

the way you incorporate coffee throughout the story is brilliant.

on Jul. 3 2010 at 10:38 pm
WriterJK SILVER, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
5 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
[The Young Poet] should stay the hell out of writing classes and find out what's happening around the corner. And bad luck fo the young poet would be a rich father, an early marriage, an early success or the ability to do anything very well.

You know as much as people like to criticize, have they ever taken a second look at a piece of writing before? Because when you do, things may seem to reveal themselves in a new light. I have read poems that I could read 100 times and still get the same thing out of them. But in the case of a poem as unclear as this one, one's imagination can be quite the observer. All in all I enjoyed your poem and find writing to be the best when it doesnt necessarily follow the strict writing rules.

on Jul. 3 2010 at 7:31 pm
haventy0uheard PLATINUM, Kings Park, New York
28 articles 0 photos 186 comments
Simply beautiful you're an amazing writer!

on Jun. 11 2010 at 8:37 pm
crubs33 DIAMOND, Lido Beach, New York
58 articles 3 photos 750 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."- Coco Chanel
Life isn't about surviving the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

i dont care wat anyone else says that was amazing! 

on Jun. 11 2010 at 7:41 pm
Sileron-evol PLATINUM, Providence, Rhode Island
44 articles 0 photos 98 comments

Favorite Quote:
"we are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation"

D*** yhu know how to write!!! loved iht btw :D

on Jun. 2 2010 at 5:26 pm
hillary811 GOLD, Bozeman, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 3 comments
"have you ever took english" should probably by "have you taken english" --- remember to correct someone on their grammar with good grammar yourself, or your comment won't be very convincing.

on May. 20 2010 at 8:00 pm
hillary811 GOLD, Bozeman, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I didn't realize there were so many food references throughout --- wow, I must have skipped lunch or something! Haha. I actually submitted this for feedback, and was surprised (and pretty confused) when it got published --- but hey, I probably shouldn't complain ;) Thanks for your comment; it does need some work. Doesn't make much sense, does it? Thanks!

on May. 20 2010 at 7:57 pm
hillary811 GOLD, Bozeman, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 3 comments
Thank you for posting the first comment with critique. As much as I love hearing support (thanks guys :) ), this poem was submitted quite a while ago and has changed considerably. I find it strange to get such nice comments when, looking back on it, see that it doesn't make much sense and isn't very cohesive at all. So thankyou :)

on May. 20 2010 at 7:03 pm
Origami_Giraffe, Goose Creek, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments
Did you, by any chance, happen to be hungry when writing this? Themed similies and metaphors can be lovely when done right, but they have to, you know, make at least an iota of sense.

Eilatan GOLD said...
on May. 20 2010 at 7:02 pm
Eilatan GOLD, Old Greenwich, Connecticut
11 articles 1 photo 307 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Nobody is normal. Everybody in the world is a weirdo freak. Except you, which makes you a weirdo freak."

This is very metaphorical.

If everybody who reads this comment could check out my work, that would mean the world to me.

on May. 20 2010 at 6:46 pm
olympian-queen, Charleston, South Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
Yesterday is history. Tommorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift that's why they call it the present.

the last stanza? umm.... since when does coffee drift in and out of the window? try and work on making a cleaner description and a clearer image because it is a little bit confusing about what is happening.

on May. 20 2010 at 5:43 pm
avidDreamwriter BRONZE, Ridgeville, South Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all those who wander are lost"- J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of The Rings

Umm, yeah. There's more imagery and similes than what's needed. The comparisons don't seem to tie together at all.

on May. 20 2010 at 4:24 pm
Its.beautiful. BRONZE, Goose Creek, South Carolina
1 article 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you." — Erich Fromm

What is a sugar pan of rio? I thought rio was a city so how did they manage. Who is They n-e-way. Have you ever took english? Im positive they would have assured you that no nothing is a double negative; as well as the rest of the poem. And I've never kissed anyone that made my lips swell. You might wanna get that checked. And why is coffe drifting out the window @ 2 o'clock a.m.. Lay off on the caffeine. 

on May. 20 2010 at 3:44 pm
WritingLoverForever PLATINUM, Bowling Green, Ohio
32 articles 2 photos 198 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not about success; it's about significance.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I am in love with this poem! It's incredible!! You are an amazing writer. And hey, feel free to check out some of my work if you want. :)

on May. 20 2010 at 12:21 pm
pedrobob BRONZE, Waterford, Other
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments
Love it. Please read mine..

on May. 20 2010 at 11:33 am
savagivity777, Sante Fe, New Mexico
0 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fo rizzle."

This poem has damaged my sensibility.

on Apr. 28 2010 at 10:40 am
bkcrider92 GOLD, Roslyn Harbor, New York
10 articles 0 photos 180 comments

Favorite Quote:
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

This is so great! I loved it!

on Apr. 28 2010 at 10:15 am
live.create16 GOLD, Dedham, Maine
11 articles 4 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott.

this is such a great poem! everything you discribe sounds so beautiful and unique! :]

on Apr. 15 2010 at 6:09 pm
agtha.shellen SILVER, Clifton, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
Albert Camus
A mere friend will agree with you, but a real friend will argue.
Russian Proverb

this is great...i love the comparison it flows so well and very sad it actually affected me personally..keep it up!!